


Heard You Crying

by metallicfey



Series: Heard You Crying [1]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Oral Sex, POV Third Person, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Some swearing but nothing that couldn't be said in the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-03-11 07:59:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 36
Words: 67,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13519965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metallicfey/pseuds/metallicfey
Summary: Deputy Rick Grimes was the only father figure Julian ever had. Well, the only decent father figure. With Rick in a coma when the apocalypse began, Julian fled toward Washington D.C., hoping he could survive there. The last thing he ever expected was to run into Rick, alive and well, years into the apocalypse. No, that's not true. The last thing he ever expected was to fall for the gruff, angry-looking Daryl Dixon.Basically, what if Rick and company had run into two new survivors on their way to Alexandria? What if Rick knew one of those survivors?(Starts during episode 10 in season 5. Ends during episode 1 of season 6. Follows Canon to the best of my ability. So, spoilers.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there. I'm excited to share this story with you! A few notes:
> 
> 1\. I do not own a single thing in this story, from the characters to the plot. All plot and characters and everything belongs to their respective creators. Please don't sue me. This was made because of, and with, love.
> 
> 2\. My original character has suffered physical and sexual abuse in the past. It is not shied away from. There is nothing too graphic and it all happened in the past. But it is there. And it does play a role. So, please, PLEASE, do not read if this makes you uncomfortable or upset. This story is not worth your discomfort or pain. 
> 
> 3\. This story is fully written. There are 32 chapters, most just over a 1,000 word count, because I prefer reading short chapters and thought you might too. If not, I'm sorry. I do plan to post about twice a week, whether people are reading or not. It's written. Why not share it?
> 
> Finally, spoilers. SO many spoilers below for everything, but mostly season 5.
> 
> This starts off during episode 10 of season 5. This is after everything has gone down at Terminus. This is after the church. This is directly after Beth and Tyreese (I miss him so much) have died. This is evident in the grieving Maggie and Sasha, but I didn't want anyone to forget. So, this story begins as Rick and company are just walking around hoping not to starve to death. Maybe it's worth noting that this is also after they have killed the small pack of walkers following them along the road. (If you don't remember, maybe read the synopsis, if it matters to you. I was surprised by how much I had forgotten until I started re-watching in order to write this story.)
> 
> Alright, if you got through all of that without leaving in annoyance, good for you :D  
> I hope you enjoy. I also want to note that I have no beta reader, so if you notice a mistake, please let me know while keeping in mind that some mistakes are just how these guys talk. I read this through so many times, I can't stand it anymore, but I'm sure I've missed errors somewhere.

#### Episode 05x10

Glenn thought there couldn’t have been a worse moment for someone who looked like _this_ to show up. The stranger was lovely and bright. He was short and slender with blonde hair and fair skin. How could they not look at him and see Beth?

His face was different from hers, composed of sharp angles, and he had persistent dimples dotting his cheeks. But he was still similar enough, and it was soon enough, that Glenn was momentarily at a loss.

There was a pained noise beside him, a mix between a groan and a gasp. He didn’t have to turn around to know it was Maggie.

It almost seemed like Eugene could be blamed. It was Eugene who uttered, “I truly do not know if things can get any worse.” It was an instant jinx; the two strangers crashed out of the woods, followed by a pack of feral dogs.

Sasha was the only one who did not hesitate. She shot the dogs without flinching and, once the dogs were fallen with a sharp whine, Sasha kept the gun trained on the strangers, but she didn’t shoot them.

Rick looked down at the young man and teenage girl lying on the road. The girl was focused on Sasha’s gun while the man looked forlornly at the dogs that had just been chasing the pair, his face turned away from Rick. Rick wasn’t concerned with what the man looked like; his hunger was at the forefront of his mind. He knew he needed to say something, to address the strangers lying at his feet, but he glanced to the dead dogs and hunger won.

He was going to cook and eat those dogs. He had no other choice if he didn’t want to watch the people he loved starve to death. He looked around and saw a large branch which could be used to skewer the meat to cook it over flame. Some of his people were watching him and some were looking at the silent strangers. Michonne’s eyes were fixed on Sasha.

“Who’re you?” Rick asked as he started breaking the branch down into manageable sticks.

“Gianna Bassani,” the girl answered instantly, sitting up. She didn’t move to stand, though, her eyes continually flicking between Rick and Sasha. “This is Julian…” She looked over at him. “I can never remember your last name.”

Julian stretched out on his back and put his hands behind his head. That’s the moment Rick got a good look at his face. “Do last names matter, anymore?”

“What if they know another Julian?” Gianna wondered. “What if one of them _is_ another Julian?”

“Julian Kline?” Rick asked.

Julian focused on Rick and his eyes widened. “Holy shit, Deputy Grimes? You look like shit!” His eyes slid across the rest of the group and he laughed. “You _all_ look like shit.”

The glares he received from just about all of Rick’s group caused Julian to flinch. He pushed himself up, so he was sitting in front of them, leaning back on his outstretched arms. Rick was just staring at him, shocked.

“Sorry.” Julian smiled. It was a radiant smile that made Glenn feel like he needed to shield his eyes.

Daryl grunted in disgust at the display of happiness.

“Ignore him,” Gianna said. “The world can’t seem to beat the joy out of him for long.”

“He’s always been like that,” Rick mumbled, still shocked to find Julian here, so far from where this journey began.

“How do you guys know each other?” Tara wondered, looking between the pair – there had to be at least two decades between them and she didn’t see many opportunities for the two to bond in the old world.

“Deputy Grimes used to be a huge pain in my ass, ‘til he got shot,” Julian joked. “Glad to see you’re alive, man. Surprised, but glad.”

“Yeah… you too.” Rick looked down at the dogs he was planning on cooking, then back up to someone who had known him before all this. “What are you doing out here?”

“We’re just trying to get away at the moment. I came out here at the beginning ‘cause I thought, if anywhere was set up to survive this kind of shit, it’s Washington. I didn’t think I’d see you here, Grimes.”

“We were headin’ that way.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised. I met a bunch of people thinking the same things I was… I don’t know how it worked out for them, but it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for, so… you know, some people are trying to get further north, like maybe Canada survived.”

Rick studied Julian for a moment before asking, “How many walkers have you killed?”

Daryl looked at Rick like he was crazy. Glenn and Maggie exchanged glances while Michonne was now watching Rick with interest.

“God, I haven’t kept count in ages,” Julian said. “I mean, for a while there, it was like you had to kill one every step.”

“How many people have you killed?” Rick asked next.

“Sixteen,” Julian answered without hesitation.

Rick’s shoulders straightened. An image of Julian as a messy, bruised kid crossed his mind. “Why?”

Julian looked confidently into Rick’s eyes. “Mostly to survive. Once or twice for revenge, but those guys did terrible things.”

“And you?” Rick turned to Gianna. “How many walkers have you killed?”

“Not many,” Gianna muttered. “Maybe a dozen. Maybe less.”

“Kill any people?” Rick asked.

“No.”

“Why?”

Gianna frowned at the question, like she didn’t understand why it was being asked when she hadn’t killed anyone. But, she thought about it a moment, then quietly said, “I’m not a good fighter. Hell, I shouldn’t have made it this far, but Jules has kept me alive.”

Rick said nothing else for a moment. He focused on the dogs, thinking of what to do with Julian and Gianna.

Maggie turned her back toward the road, so she would not have to watch Rick butcher the dogs. Glenn just kept his eyes on Julian and Gianna, trying to ignore what was happening just a few feet in front of them. It seemed best they just not discuss the line they were about to cross.

“You got water?” Abraham asked suddenly.

Gianna looked quickly to Julian. Neither said anything; Gianna’s eyes narrowed. Julian took a moment to look over each of their faces – his eyes connected with Glenn’s for a few seconds.

It was then Glenn realized Julian’s eyes were all wrong – if Julian hadn’t looked so much like Beth, his eyes would have certainly been the first thing about him Glenn noticed. Beth’s eyes had been big and blue. Julian’s eyes almost matched that description; his right eye was dark blue without any hint of green or gray. However, Julian’s left eye was a stunning blue-green. It appeared almost as if the inner ring of his iris was green and the outer was blue, melding until they couldn’t be separated.

“We have water,” Julian said after a moment.

“We’ll share our meat with you if you share your water,” Glenn suggested.

“I was planning on eggs for dinner,” Julian mused. “Haven’t had to eat an animal once considered a household pet in a long time – not sure I want to break that streak. It’s a nice streak, after all. One to be proud of. I’m still willing to share our water. But, Gia’s kind of in charge. I’m mostly around to kill dead things.”

“He’s pretty good at it.” Gianna finally stood, brushing off her worn clothes – a black tank top and long khaki shorts. The outfit looked strange on someone so young. “And, of course we’ll share our water with you.”

“We’ll go back to camp and get it,” Julian said.

“You got a camp?” Rick asked.

“Yes,” Gianna answered. “Those dogs chased us away from it.  We’ve got a couple gallons of water back there.”

“And most of my weapons,” Julian grumbled to himself.

“You have… gallons of water?” Rosita sat straighter, gripping her gun tighter.

“Yeah. We stumbled on some survivalist’s stash. Didn’t do him much good, but saved our lives,” Julian explained.

“Do you really have eggs?” Eugene questioned.

“From an abandoned farm, yeah. The chickens were thriving,” Julian answered. “Anyway, it looks like you all might drop dead from thirst, so… we’re gonna head out. It shouldn’t take more than half an hour to make it back.”

“You go,” Gianna said. “I’ll wait here.”

Julian raised his eyebrows. “Gianna.”

“What? They won’t kill me until they have our water, at least,” Gianna said with a smile.

“That’s terrible logic. I’m not going to leave you alone with-”

“Yes, you are. But… You.” Gianna pointed at Glenn. “Go with him.”

Julian shook his head. “If you really refuse to go, I can do it myself.”

“We ran out of there without any of your weapons, Jules,” Gianna argued.

“I have a knife,” Julian mumbled, sounding very much like a scolded child.

“I’d like someone else to go with him, and you…” She looked pointedly at Glenn. “Look trustworthy. Also, could she lower her gun, already?”

Rick quickly looked over to see Sasha still aiming her gun toward Gianna and Julian.

“It’s okay, Sasha,” Michonne said, reaching up and putting her hand on Sasha’s forearm.

Muscles still incredibly tense, Sasha pointed the barrel of her gun toward the ground without a word.

“That reminds me.” Gianna smiled a little. “We don’t know your names.”

There was a moment of hesitation before one by one, each name was given. Tara was the first to offer her name. Daryl was the last, basically spitting out his name in their direction.

“Is it cool if I get going, now?” Julian asked, sounding only half as impatient as he felt.

“I’mma go with him,” Daryl suddenly declared, walking out from the back of the group.

“Oh no,” Gianna said quickly. “You don’t look nearly as trustworthy as-”

“I’m goin’,” Daryl said.

“Whoever’s goin’ needs to go,” Rick snapped.

That was all Julian needed. He walked away from the group without another word. Daryl stalked after him, crossbow ready. Glenn looked from Maggie to Gianna to Rick before sighing loudly and following the two other men.

The signs of Julian and Gianna’s hasty retreat were hard to miss; thus, the path was easy to follow back to the camp thanks to the trampled grass and broken branches. Julian moved cautiously, not acknowledging the two strangers behind him until Glenn said, “So, did Rick arrest you once or something?”

Julian laughed. “Once or twice. Never pressed any charges, though. He was so concerned with saving me, the guy couldn’t even consider punishing me.”

“Saving you?” Glenn asked.

“He definitely saved my life once or twice, but he would have liked to do more,” Julian said absently. “I don’t know why he latched onto me, but he did. He’d show up at my school and my house – totally went overboard.”

Daryl sneered at Julian, though Julian couldn’t see as he led the pair through the trees toward his camp. Glenn made the decision to ask Rick about Julian before he asked Julian anything else about Rick.

“Is it just you and Gianna?” Glenn asked.

“Yeah. We were part of this big group, once,” said Julian, looking momentarily over his shoulder toward Glenn. “Well, first we were part of a smaller group – that’s how Gianna and me met. I saved her life when some asshole tried to kill her for her shoes. Anyway, that group died out and we lived on our own for a bit, but then we were given this chance to join a big group in a safe place and… how do you turn that down?”

Glenn and Daryl exchanged furtive glances. Daryl wondered if it had been smart, following this guy while leaving another stranger back with their friends. If the pair were still part of a bigger group, Daryl and everyone he cared for had walked themselves into a trap. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of this earlier, when it could have mattered.

“There were good people in the group. But they were led by someone… I don’t know if you can call him evil. That might be going too far, but the bastard wasn’t a good guy.” Julian sighed. “It was hard to get away... I’m a really good fighter. So, they really didn’t want to let us go. It took about a month of planning, but we got out of there. And we’re never going to be a part of something like that again – we promised each other that much. We also promised each other we’d help wherever we could. That’s why we’re giving you our water, even though it may be the domino that eventually knocks us down.”

“You talk a lot,” Daryl mumbled.

“Sorry,” Julian said, looking back at them again with a bright smile. Daryl scowled at him. “I’ve only had Gianna to talk to for months, now. It’s nice to be listened to by someone else.”

“How long have you guys been out here?” Glenn wondered, giving Daryl a slightly disapproving look.

“Here, in particular, only about a week.” Julian stopped. He looked from side to side for a moment. Then, he simply continued forward. “We know we can’t stay in one place for long. You need a bigger group for that, for security and shit. Also, walls. Never seen a group last long without walls. Or a fence, I guess, but, like, a high-quality fence.”

“You ever think of trying to find a place to stay? Like… a home?” Glenn asked.

“All the time. Is that what you guys are looking for?”

“I don’t know if a place like that exists, anymore.”

Julian stopped and turned to face Glenn. Daryl’s grip tightened on his crossbow.

“Places like that exist. I’ve seen them. Hell, I would have gone to them and begged them to take us in, if it was safe, but it wasn’t safe.”

“Why?” Daryl asked.

Julian sighed. “We have to get further away. We hid until they stopped looking for us, and now we only move at night. It’s a little more dangerous and we move slower than I want, but we can’t go back. Anyway, the further we get, the safer I’ll feel.”

Daryl would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t scanning the area ahead for dangers. As if anyone was safe no matter where they were. He told himself he really didn’t like this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this first chapter. Because it's mostly just setup, you can expect another chapter shortly (a few hours?), if you want to continue reading. If not, I just thank you for giving me some of your time. I appreciate everyone who thought my summary was decent enough to warrant a click and scroll, because summaries are hard.
> 
> Also, if you want to know, there will be sex in this story, but it is not a lot or too graphic. I guess you could describe it as plot with a little porn. If that's, like, your main reason for reading, I'm sorry, but you'll probably be disappointed. 
> 
> Thanks again :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn and Daryl get to know Julian a little more. Rick makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any formatting or tag suggestions, I'm open to them. I've never posted on this site before, so I'm learning.

The camp wasn’t much. Two sleeping bags were on the ground and barbed wire was wrapped around some trees to create a circle around the sleeping bags. Daryl glanced around the camp, thinking it was a miracle anyone survived the night with so few precautions.

“Didn’t go low enough.” Julian pointed to the bottom of the barbed wire, which ended just a foot or so off the ground. “Those dogs went right under it. It’s a damn good thing I’m not dumb enough to leave our food on the ground.”

Julian carefully placed his hands on a pole that was the beginning of the circle of barbed wire, staked into the ground beside a tall tree that had probably seen hundreds of years and would see hundreds more. He made sure his hands were between the wire as he pulled the pole out of the ground with a soft grunt. He shifted the pole to the side, opening up a thin break in the barbed wire he and the others could squeeze through. Julian slipped through without much concern for the barbs so close to his skin. Glenn and Daryl followed with much more caution.

Glenn’s jaw fell open and Daryl watched with actual interest as Julian began to scale a tree which was inside the circle of barbed wire, but not wrapped with it. Julian moved upward effortlessly. It was like he knew exactly where to place his hands and feet. When it seemed like a branch might be out of his reach, he leapt up and caught himself on it, hanging over the ground for a moment before pulling himself up and to the next branch.

“I know what you’re thinkin’,” Daryl said quietly to Glenn. “We can’t trust ‘em.”

Glenn didn’t respond. He was too focused on watching Julian secure two bags onto his person – one over his chest and another on his shoulder. He climbed back down just as effortlessly as he had climbed up. He handed both bags to Glenn. As Julian scaled another tree, Glenn looked into the bags. There were two gallons of water in one and a half full gallon in the other, along with a few other miscellaneous items Glenn couldn’t be bothered with, due to the prospect of not dying from dehydration. His mouth watered as he showed the contents to Daryl.

“I think we can trust them,” Glenn said. “Since they’re currently saving our lives.”

“There’s more than one reason to save someone,” Daryl replied.

Julian came back down with three more bags draped over his torso. The extra weight slowed him down, but he was still moving gracefully. He gave Daryl the two bags but kept the third, securing it at the center of his back.

Daryl opened one bag. It was filled with some protein bars, full pill bottles, and books. Glenn leaned over to look inside as Julian started rolling up one of the sleeping bags.

“You’ve got a lot of pills,” Glenn commented. Daryl zipped the bag back up and dropped it.

“Yup. I’ve also got fifteen scalpels, twenty-three syringes, about a mile of bandages, a mountain of gauze, and the knowledge of how to perform a few simple surgeries – the doctor back in my first group taught me a few things. I can remove an appendix. Can you remove an appendix?” Julian chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. Glenn slowly shook his head. “One thing I don’t have is a hairband. I’ll trade you a bottle of antibiotics for one, if you got it. If I don’t find one soon, I’m gonna have to cut my hair.”

Daryl opened the second bag he was handed. Three glass jars of cotton sat on top of that gauze Julian was talking about and were wrapped in it. He raised an eyebrow and looked up to watch Julian shift to the other sleeping bag.

“You get it, obviously,” Julian continued, motioning to Daryl. “The smart thing to do would be to cut your hair so it’s not hanging in your eyes, but you don’t do the smart thing ‘cause you look badass. I don’t know why. Most people would just look… dirty. But you look badass.”

Daryl snorted. “Ya don’t look badass.”

Glenn couldn’t help but smile. Julian did not look “badass” at all. Even Beth looked more intimidating than him, a comparison Glenn couldn’t help but make when gazing across the campsite at Julian. He was older than she had been, and he didn’t look nearly as sweet and innocent. But he was blonde, and his eyes were mostly blue, and he was about her height. Maybe if it had just been a bit longer; just a couple more weeks since they lost Beth, Glenn wouldn’t compare the two.

“That’s true,” Julian agreed. “But, I’m sexy.”

Daryl just stood there, unblinking and silent. Glenn followed suit for only a moment before he burst out laughing. Daryl looked over at Glenn like he was insane.

Julian packed the two sleeping bags into a black trash bag that had been beneath one of the sleeping bags. “I mean, you’re both guys and… you look straight.” Julian pointed to Glenn, then to Daryl. “And you look homophobic.”

Daryl bristled, clenching the bag in his hand.

“So, you might not think so, but I am. Sometimes it helps.” Julian tossed the plastic bag over the barbed wire. “Sometimes, it does the opposite of help. Well, anyway… it’s kinda a thing, my hair. When I was a kid, I had to keep it short, so it wasn’t used against me. Once I learned how to defend myself, I grew it out. It’s still a bit of a disadvantage, but it’s worth it.”

“You talk too much,” Daryl said, harsher than the last time he had mentioned how much Julian spoke.

Julian looked down.

“Daryl,” Glenn sighed, looking at his friend and remembering back when they had first met – how little they liked each other and how Glenn was certain his being Asian meant Daryl looked down on him.

“No, he’s right,” Julian smiled, but it was not bright or genuine. Glenn thought it looked fake. “Gianna says the same thing, sometimes. When she’s having a really bad day. She gets annoyed when I, like… I guess, I say whatever I’m thinking and that bothers her. But that’s just ‘cause she’s the kind of person who thinks everything through, even a simple conversation between friends. I think it’s because… I’m talking too much, right?”

“Yes,” Daryl lifted one jar out of the bag. “What’s this? And why you got three of ‘em?”

“Careful, man!” Julian rushed over and took the jar from Daryl’s hands. “My eggs are in here.”

“How many you got?” Daryl asked, eyeing the jar.

“Enough to make you and your friends breakfast if you don’t break any,” Julian grumbled, carefully putting the jar back into the open bag at Daryl’s feet.

“What’s in that bag?” Glenn asked, pointing to the backpack on Julian’s back.

“My weapons,” Julian answered. He walked across the clearing. “All except for this beauty.”

Julian lifted a bow out of some low shrubbery. It was a top of the line hunting bow that shined in the sun like Julian spent a considerable amount of time cleaning it. Daryl licked his lips; he loved his crossbow, but the bow in Julian’s hand was a beauty to behold. Julian held it like it was priceless. He seemed to relax slightly with it in his hands. From the same shrubs, Julian produced a black quiver with lime green trimming. It had over a dozen worn arrows in it.

“Her name’s Sunny, ‘cause she’s the light of my life,” Julian said softly, as if speaking to himself. “Anyway, this is all we need. We can head back to your people, now.”

“You just leave the barbed wire here?” Glenn asked.

“Yeah.” Julian slipped through the small opening in the barbed wire. “I figured, we’ll camp with you guys, for the whole strength in numbers thing, but after you all leave – and I don’t know, you may plan on leaving as soon as you finish eating; it’s not like it’s dusk or something – Gianna and me will come back here for a few more days, at least.”

Julian picked up the trash bag holding his and Gianna’s sleeping bags. He carried it in his right hand while the bow was held in his left.

“Kinda glad you guys are here,” Julian chuckled. “It gets old, having to carry all this with just the two of us, and it’s not like Gianna is strong or anything.”

Daryl glared at Julian’s back.

The dogs were cooking when the three made it back to the road. No one seemed to want to watch Rick do it. A collar was still sitting in the middle of the road. Julian wondered if that was really necessary.

“We’ve got water,” Glenn announced, relief in his voice. He had already had a sip on the walk back. Daryl had refused until everyone else had some.

“And breakfast,” Julian added.

Daryl stepped slowly to the side. He dropped the bag of pills and protein bars, then carefully set the bag with the jars of eggs beside it. Julian saw. He raised his eyebrows before giving a slight nod of approval. Daryl glowered at him. The guy was too damn happy. He clearly hadn’t lost as much as the rest of them.

Julian was called over by Abraham, who wanted to have a look at the bow in his hand. Julian was all smiles as he talked about “Sunny.” Daryl was just glad to have Julian and Gianna focused on someone other than him, and Gianna was currently having a conversation with Eugene.

Daryl continued to slink over toward Rick.

“What’s their camp look like?” Rick asked, before Daryl could get a word out.

“It’s some barbed wire on some trees,” Daryl answered. “They got pills. Bit’a food, too. What ya think ‘bout the girl?”

“She’s smart.” Rick glanced across the group toward Gianna. “You should hear some of the things she’s talked to Eugene ‘bout.”

Daryl grunted disapprovingly.

“Listen, I wouldn’t even consider this, after the hell we’ve been through with strangers, but I know Julian,” Rick said, eyes on the meat he was cooking over the fire they had put together while Daryl, Glenn, and Julian were gone.

“He talks too much.”

Rick’s shoulders straightened. “He’s got reason to.”

“Meanin’?”

“It don’t matter. I don’t wanna leave him on his own.”

“He ain’t on his own.”

“He’s a decent kid.”

“He ain’t a kid anymore,” Daryl said quietly. “He probably ain’t even decent, anymore.”

“We don’t know that,” Rick responded.

Daryl huffed, glancing over at Julian. He was smiling widely as he showed Eugene how to pull back the string of his bow. “He talked ‘bout you wantin’ to save him.”

“I did…” Rick nodded. “The first time I met him stuck with me. It felt like he could be one of those cases that haunts ya your whole life if something about his situation didn’t change. So, I did what I could to change it… I’ve thought about him a few times since this whole thing started. Wondered if he made it.”

“I don’t like him,” Daryl stated.

“That’s nothin’ new, Daryl,” Rick sighed.

“You still wanna save him?” Daryl grunted.

Rick scratched the back of his neck. “I guess so.”

Daryl scoffed. “At the risk of everyone else?”

Rick didn’t answer, glancing at Carl with Judith in his arms.

“Hope ya know what you’re doin’,” Daryl grumbled before walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Clicking onto the second chapter is a huge compliment :D 
> 
> Also, I really like the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group settles down for the night in a barn during a storm. Julian has what can best be described as a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note! These episodes don't really give any sign of how long the group is walking, except that it's a long walk. So, in my head and in this story, they continued walking for at least three more days after running into the feral dogs and Julian and Gianna. I don't think it was this long in the actual show, but I wanted to give them time to run through the supplies Julian and Gianna had, so they'd be just as desperate in this story as they are in the show when Aaron shows up. 
> 
> Also, thanks so much for continuing to read. I'm really enjoying sharing something I've written with you guys. Like, so much I can't stick to my twice a week schedule. 
> 
> Finally, this chapter is a little longer than usual. It was split into two at one point, but the second part was so short, I just decided to put them together. Bonus points to anyone who can tell where the break used to be.

Two passable meals and some water, because they couldn’t drink all of it unless they wanted to be right back where they started in a few days, were not enough to give Rick’s group back its energy. They walked slowly, stumbling along, unsure of where they were going. And it didn’t take Julian and Gianna long to realize the group had just lost two members. Julian caught on when he heard Maggie and Glenn talking softly to each other. He instantly felt a little guilty, like their presence had somehow interrupted the group’s mourning process.

Julian kept glancing at Gianna, wondering why she had agreed to join these people when Rick offered it. They talked about it plenty, before. Groups were dangerous. There were more people to be afraid of and more people to care about and to lose. It was better, to be just the two of them, helping where they could, then disappearing into the night. At least, that’s how Julian liked to think of it. Like they were superheroes in the apocalypse.

They had given away their water. It was almost all gone by now, with how far they were walking. They had shared their eggs. They received nothing in return, mostly because they weren’t desperate enough to eat dog.

_The offer had been there_ , Julian reminded himself. He was walking toward the back of the group, his eyes jumping from one to the other. _It’s not their fault we weren’t so starved we needed to resort to eating Spot. No. Spike. The collar said Spike._

Julian cringed.

_And it’s Deputy Grimes_ , Julian thought, glancing at the man toward the front of the group. _I trusted him. I felt safe when he was around. And he was such a good man, I doubt even the apocalypse could make him into a bad man. Maybe not as good. Probably not as good. But Deputy Rick Grimes could never be a bad guy._

His next glance across the group revealed Daryl was missing. “Where’d Daryl go?” he asked, loud enough to be heard at the front of the group.

“Lookin’ for water,” Glenn answered.

“Oh.” Julian studied the trees surrounding them on both sides. “Thought he might be hunting. He any good with that little crossbow of his?”

Carol laughed at the question. Rick looked back, smirking as he said, “Pretty good, yeah.”

“Well, if he’s going to find water, I’ll look for some food. We don’t have many protein bars left. Which way did your guy go?” Julian asked.

“Left.” Glenn pointed to the left side of the road.

“Then, I’ll go right,” Julian stated.

Julian left the group. He walked slowly, to make sure he didn’t outpace the others. He held one arrow and his bow, eyes sweeping over the landscape in front of him. He didn’t think he’d find much. Without water nearby, animals couldn’t survive, either. But, there was always a chance.

_Always a chance. There’s always a chance_.

That had become his mantra. If he didn’t convince himself that there was always a chance, he would have never found the survivalist’s stash of water right as he and Gianna were about to collapse from dehydration. If he didn’t convince himself that there was always a chance, he would have never made it so far – far enough to help strangers who he probably shouldn’t trust.

They outnumbered him and Gianna so drastically, when the pair had first stumbled out in front of them, Julian had been terrified. He was almost disappointed the dogs hadn’t gotten them first, because humans could be so much crueler. The group could have done anything from eat the pair to make them slaves – Julian had heard of it all. Seeing Rick had eased some of his concerns, but they were still there. He couldn’t help it.

_They could have done anything to us. Anything at all; I had a single knife on me. And they took us in_.

Julian chewed on his bottom lip.

 He knew he had to do better. He had to make sure they knew he was all in with them, now, as long as they never proved themselves to be anything less than decent people. There were things they all had to do to survive, but there was no use in taking pleasure in it or advantage of it. Julian and Gianna had fled one group before. He was already prepared to do so again.

Julian heard thunder. But he had been hearing thunder randomly throughout the day, so it didn’t worry him. The small alarm bell in the back of his mind went off, but he tried to ignore it.

He pushed his hair behind his ears. He really did need a hairband. Just the thought of cutting his hair made his stomach tighten uncomfortably – it was just one more piece of control that would be ripped from him. He twirled a lock of his blonde hair around his index finger. But it was starting to get in the way. He’d never forgive himself, if something happened to Gianna because his hair got in the way. It wasn’t worth that.

Rustling to his left drew Julian’s attention. Unfortunately, there was no animal to kill and eat. Instead, one of the dead was ambling its way toward him. Julian squinted at the growling walker. It looked like it had once been an old man. That would explain why it walked so slowly – slower than the average biter, anyway.

It started raining. The cool drops on his skin caused Julian to pause in joining the arrow to his bow. The rain was a relief.  It felt good on his sun-heated skin and, once he dealt with the walker, he would allow himself to look up and open his mouth, taking a drink directly from the source. He would not worry about whether a storm would follow the rain.

Julian took a deep breath, nocked his arrow, and brought the bow up. He took a quick second to aim the arrow, then he let it fly.

The arrow struck the walker between the eyes. Julian grinned. He loved shooting – had ever since he was a kid. He hadn’t been a fan of the killing part. That’s why he liked competitions more. He could show his skill without hurting anyone. It had always made him so bitter when a new foster family refused to take him to competitions.

Julian retrieved his arrow. He wiped it off on the walker’s shirt.

The rain was falling heavier. The thunder was louder. It was a storm. Julian put his hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat, trying to push the beginnings of panic away. He needed to return to the road. They needed to try to get away from this storm and he needed to see Gianna.

When he had almost reached the road, Julian could hear someone yelling. Not angry yelling. Just so that whoever was speaking could be heard. He moved faster, worried as he heard Gianna shout, “I’m not leaving without him!”

“I’m here, I’m here,” Julian announced loudly, rushing to the road.

“Oh, thank God,” Gianna sighed in relief, rushing over and hugging Julian tightly.

“We have to go!” Glenn yelled.

Julian looked around and realized Glenn was the only of the original group left on the road. Maggie stood at the edge, waiting for Glenn. Rosita disappeared into the trees as soon as she saw Julian arrive. “What?” Julian gently removed Gianna’s arms from around his waist. “Where?”

“A barn,” Gianna answered. “Daryl found it. We have to get out of this storm!”

“Okay.” Julian nodded, his heart starting to beat harder. “Okay, lead the way.”

The barn was nothing special, Julian thought, but it would protect them from the rain, which was falling too heavily. He remembered rain like this.

His chest tightened. He was breathing slightly heavier. He heard a whimper and belatedly realized it had come from him. Eugene must have been able to hear, because he looked back quizzically. Gianna either heard or just knew what to expect. She quickly reached out and took Julian’s right hand in both of hers. His left hand gripped his bow so tightly, his knuckles were white.

Julian focused on her. Terrible things had happened during a storm like this.

“Jules,” Gianna said softly, squeezing his hand. He could barely hear her over the storm. “You’re okay.”

Julian glanced toward the barndoor. All of those who hadn’t gone into the barn to check for the dead were looking back at him. He didn’t like that. It made it worse. He tried to walk away but Gianna gripped his hand tightly. He knew he could just slip out of her grip, but he loved her. He didn’t want to upset her by pulling away, but he so badly wanted to pull away.

“Let me go,” Julian pleaded.

“We’re safe here,” Gianna replied. 

Julian looked with wide eyes at each of the people standing behind Gianna. They were strangers. Sure, he knew their names. But there was nothing else. There was no real reason for him to trust them – for him to let himself be trapped in a barely standing barn with them. Something like this had happened before, and there had been a high cost to pay.

 Rick appeared in the doorway of the barn to announce it was clear, now. Panic overtook Julian. He’d forgotten about Rick. Rick didn’t know the things he’d done or the things that had been done to him. And he was just as ignorant about what Rick had done.

Julian pulled himself free from Gianna’s grasp.

“Julian!” Gianna tried to follow him as he stumbled away, but Carol grabbed her shoulder to stop her. Gianna turned to Carol, looking into her eyes with desperation. “He’s not thinking clearly! He’ll die if he stays out here alone – please!” She spun back around. “Jules, come back!”

Julian didn’t acknowledge her. He dropped his bow and Gianna scrambled to go after him. Glenn rushed out to help Carol hold her back. Rick glanced to Daryl, who was standing behind him, now.

“Let me go!” Gianna demanded. “I won’t leave him alone! Let me go!”

Daryl grunted. “We’ll get ‘im.”

Rick nodded. It was already taking most of his self-control to not rush into the storm after Julian. He didn’t want the guy to die just after finding out he was still alive. Then it really would be too much like Beth.

Rick led Daryl out into the storm.

“We talkin’?” Daryl asked, definitely thinking it would be easier to knock Julian out.

“Gonna try.” Rick picked up Julian’s bow. “You dropped something!”

Julian looked back at them. Something about Rick holding Sunny made Julian uncomfortable. He stopped walking, allowing the pair to catch up to him quickly.

“Where do ya think you’re going?” Rick asked.

Julian looked around. He hadn’t really been planning on going anywhere. He just wanted to get away from the storm and the barn.

_Stupid. That’s stupid_ , Julian thought, biting his bottom lip hard. _I can’t outrun a storm. I’m so stupid_.

“Julian?” Rick nodded to Daryl. The two men took a step closer.

_Which is worse?_ Julian wondered, staring wide-eyed at Rick. _The storm or the barn?_

“I… I’m just… gonna stay out here,” Julian said.

“Not acceptable,” Rick said sternly. “You’ll die out here.”

Julian reached for Sunny. Rick turned to the side, keeping the bow away from him.

“It’s not the walkers that’ll get ya! It’s the storm you need to be worried ‘bout!” Rick snapped.

“It’s you I’m worried about!” Julian admitted, voice shaking. “Y-Your people… There’s so many of you.”

“Coulda killed ya a dozen times,” Daryl replied.

“You know me,” Rick said harshly when Daryl’s logic failed to calm Julian.

“Knew you,” Julian snapped.

“I’m still tryin’ to keep you alive, kid!”

Julian bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. Gianna would not be happy with him. She always told him that the smallest of scratches could kill, now.

“If you think we’re dangerous, why leave Gianna with us?” Rick asked, trying for a different tactic as the storm quickly approached. He did not want to get caught outside the barn at the worst of it. They needed to get inside and chain the doors shut so they could maybe get some sleep.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” Julian muttered, barely able to be heard above the storm.

“Come back with us,” Rick suggested, reaching forward.

When Rick touched his shoulder, Julian instinctively threw a punch toward his face. But Daryl had been ready. Daryl caught the punch, then twisted Julian’s arm behind his back. Julian froze as if the grip had paralyzed him.

“I’m sorry,” Julian said softly. “I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay. Let him go, Daryl.”

Daryl hesitated before releasing Julian’s arm.

“You’re comin’ with us!” Rick yelled, pointing back toward the barn. “You’re not gonna leave me and Gianna worryin’ about ya all night!”

Julian was suddenly so tired. He was soaked to the bone and his skin was raw from the wind. He looked at his bow in Rick’s hand and slowly nodded. “Fine.”

Rick led the way back to the barn. Julian followed behind him and Daryl was close behind, watching Julian’s every movement. As soon as Julian stepped into the barn, Gianna was in front of him, patting his arms as she searched for any injury. Rick and Daryl closed the barndoor behind them and Rick worked on getting it chained shut.

“Are you okay?” Gianna asked tearfully.

“I’m sorry,” Julian said.

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s fine.” Gianna hugged Julian tightly.

“I’m sorry,” Julian repeated, louder so everyone could hear him.

The others responded with slight nods and a couple half-hearted smiles.

“I told them we were attacked on a night like this,” Gianna said quietly. She could feel his muscles tense. His eyes followed Rick as he walked past them. “That’s all I told them,” she added quickly. “We were attacked, and you protected me.”

Julian nodded. He had. Gianna had barely been hurt. He’d been proud of that.

Julian glanced at all the faces turned toward him. There was not judgement on a single one. They all had their thing. That thing that caused them to freeze, or panic, or just lose control of themselves in some way. He still looked down; he still felt ashamed.

“Let’s just sit down and relax, okay?” Gianna asked. “You want to stay by the door?”

“Sure,” Julian sighed.

Gianna smiled at him. Julian leaned back against the wall, then slid down to the floor. Gianna sat beside him, looking at him sadly as the others found their own places in the barn and someone started a fire. The storm kept raging outside and Gianna knew Julian wouldn’t be able to sleep. He kept flinching at the thunder, which was happening so often, he was basically just trembling.

The others were talking, sitting around the fire. Julian listened, because it kept him from thinking for the moment, at least. Rick was telling some story about his grandfather. Everything the group said seemed rather personal. But Julian listened anyway. Gianna’s head was on his shoulder and he could tell, by her even breathing, that she had quickly fallen asleep.

One thing Rick said struck Julian.

“We do what we need to do, then we live.”

Julian closed his eyes. Rick was a smart man. A born leader. A man that did well in the old world, but somehow thrived in this new one. As much as anyone could thrive. It seemed like a strange word to use, because everyone was just living, while thriving implied success and happiness on a consistent basis. But it was the only word Julian could think of as he opened his eyes and glanced over toward Rick.

Julian took a deep breath. He rested his cheek on top of Gianna’s head. Daryl left the fire and came toward him and Gianna. Julian worried Daryl was going to say something to him; he knew Daryl disliked him. He couldn’t imagine what kind of poison the man could spit at him, if he got angry enough and he didn’t exactly leave the conversation with his people in a good mood.

But Daryl didn’t approach. Instead, he paced in front of the barndoor. Julian sighed softly. No one was talking anymore. He didn’t have anything to focus on, so he closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep. It was better than letting himself think during this storm in this barn.

Julian heard a gasp and a grunt. It felt like a memory. His heart beat faster. He shut his eyes tighter.

There was some thudding. And some footsteps. There was less screaming. That’s what made Julian realize he wasn’t reliving his memory – that something was happening in the present. He opened his eyes to find Daryl, Maggie, and Sasha trying to press the barn doors shut against… the storm? Walkers? Julian couldn’t tell, but he jumped up anyway, startling Gianna awake. He didn’t need to know what they were trying to keep out to know, if they didn’t want it inside with them, he didn’t either.

Julian fit himself between Daryl and Maggie, pressing against the door with all his strength. Maggie started sliding across the floor, but Julian grabbed her arm and pulled her back up before she fell. Others ran over to join them in keeping the door shut. He saw Gianna standing at the edge of the door, pushing against it as hard as she could, which wasn’t much. She was small and weak. It had been hard work, keeping her alive.

Julian thought they were about to fail, and the doors were going to fly open, until Abraham slammed his hand against the door, over Julian’s head. Julian flinched, but it was momentary. He steeled his muscles and held himself against the door.

It just stopped, at some point. Julian didn’t know how long it had been. And he didn’t know why it had stopped. But he didn’t care. He was so tired, he slid to the floor and struggled to keep his eyes open long enough to look at the faces of everyone surrounding him. They all looked just as exhausted as he felt.

One of them handed him something. He didn’t see who. He didn’t really care. It wasn’t soft, but it was more than he’d had a second earlier. It might have been for him to wipe his face or something, but he bunched it up and used it as a pillow. They had left their sleeping bags behind to cut down on what they had to carry, so whatever was resting under his head, which smelled like rain and leather, was more comfort than he had expected that night.

The next morning, Julian woke with Glenn’s feet a few inches away from his face. They had just collapsed, really, after they no longer had to hold the barndoor shut. He looked at the bottom of Glenn’s shoes for a moment as he heard Daryl and Maggie talking. Slowly, Julian sat up. He looked down at what he had been using as a pillow.

It was leather. He unbundled it and wrinkled his nose as he studied the worn vest with wings on the back. It was Daryl’s. Confused, Julian looked around for Daryl, surprised the shaggy man had shown him kindness.

Julian stood slowly. Maggie and Sasha walked past him – Maggie nodded and gave him a small, sad smile. Sasha still hadn’t warmed up to him enough to give a similar greeting.

Julian walked over to Daryl, who didn’t even look at him until he was standing a foot away.

“Thanks,” Julian mumbled, holding the vest out.

Daryl took the vest without a word. Julian sighed and rubbed the center of his forehead. “And, thanks,” Julian continued quietly. “For coming after me yesterday. I just… panicked. It doesn’t happen often, but it happened yesterday.”

Daryl nodded. He seemed to be studying his dirty fingernails.

“Okay, so… I’m gonna get some air,” Julian mumbled.

“You an’ the girl,” Daryl began before Julian could turn away. “You ain’t a couple, are ya?”

Julian chuckled, despite a slight increase in tension at what he was about to say. “No, man. First, she’s, like, sixteen. Second, I’m gay.”

Daryl’s eyes rose to meet Julian’s.

“You really didn’t know?” Julian smiled, and it irritated Daryl a little less than it had the day before. “I’ve always been told it’s obvious.”

Daryl shrugged. “Maybe.”

“People have known my whole life, even before I came to terms with it myself. I guess, I’m just one of those guys that can’t hide it. Then again, I haven’t really ever tried to hide it. I wonder if that’s the difference between guys like me and guys who pass for straight – maybe they just try harder to not be the person they actually are. I don’t understand. It may not be easy but there are worse things to be and I’d really just rather-”

“Ya talk too much,” Daryl grumbled.

“Sorry. But… I think you don’t talk enough,” Julian said.

Daryl raised an eyebrow.

“Anyway…” Julian glanced around the barn as everyone started to wake up. “I’m gonna go see if I can kill an animal for us to eat.”

Daryl grunted, causing Julian to chuckle softly. “See?” he said as he picked up his bow from where Rick had set it the night before. “You don’t talk nearly enough.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron arrives. Daryl and Julian have a couple of surprising conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I'm hoping, after this, I'll gain some self-control and at least wait a full 24 hours before posting a new chapter. But, who knows? 
> 
> Also, I meant to say this earlier, but the title comes from the song 'Heard You Crying' by Michael Schulte. I highly recommend listening to it simply because it is a beautiful song. It didn't really inspire this story - The Walking Dead did that on its own. It's just that, one time I was listening to it and trying to think of a title and two worlds collided.

#### Episode 05x11

Julian wasn’t a fan of killing, most of the time. It didn’t really bother him to kill the walkers, but they were already dead. If anything, it felt like he was doing them a favor. But the world didn’t just present itself with dead enemies. He’d had to kill animals. He’d had to kill people. He honestly wished he had killed more people – too many bad people had been allowed to walk away from him.

Julian sighed as he hoisted the deer over his shoulder, cringing as its warm blood dripped down his back. He tried not to feel too guilty for killing it. He had people to feed. He didn’t have time to let himself care that he’d just killed something. And, anyway, it had been a perfect shot. The deer hadn’t even seen it coming. Hadn’t felt any pain.

That mattered.

Julian hated the thick, sticky feeling running down his back and across his shoulders. As soon as he was a few steps away from the barn, he carefully set his bow down, so he could shrug off the heavy corpse easier. With a sigh, he picked his bow up and walked to the barndoor.

Rick spun around quickly when Julian opened the door and stepped inside the barn. The first thing Julian noticed was that the barn was empty besides Rick and Judith. Or, he thought that until he looked down as someone cleared his throat and he saw a man tied up on the ground.

“You okay?” Rick asked wearily.

“Yeah.” Julian grinned. It sounded so much like the days when Rick was a deputy and the only person who gave a damn about him. “Why?”

“You’re covered in blood,” Rick said.

“Oh, right. I killed a deer. I set it outside the barn. Where is everyone?” Julian pointed to the tied-up man. “Who’s that?”

“This is Aaron,” was all the information Rick provided.

“Oh. Okay. Why’s he tied-up?” Julian asked, eyebrows raising.

“He’s a stranger,” Rick answered.

“Okay.” Julian laughed. “I’m glad you know me, if you greet strangers by tying them up.”

“And punching them,” Aaron added.

“This guy’s been stalkin’ us,” Rick snapped. “He’s the one who left water in the road.”

“What water?” Julian wondered, taking a few more steps into the barn.

“Right, you were hunting. We found some water in the road.”

“You found water but… haven’t drank it? Because we’re out of the water I had, so-”

“Could be poisoned.”

“Could be. But who can find poison these days?”

Aaron chuckled, like he really couldn’t help himself. Rick took a deep breath, glaring now at Julian.

“Well, I’m still thoroughly confused,” Julian stated.

“He says he wants us to audition for his community,” Rick finally said.

“Oh.” Julian nodded. “And you don’t want to? Or you don’t believe him?”

The withering look Rick gave Julian answered the question for him. Julian cringed. “Sorry,” he mumbled. Rick made a noise that somehow managed to pass as acceptance of the apology. He then turned away to focus on a cooing Judith.

Julian crouched in front of Aaron and studied him.

“You should grow a beard,” Julian declared. “You’re cute now. In a dorky way. But you should grow a beard.”

“Julian, right?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah.”

“Man, you’ve been right under our noses for weeks and we just found out about you,” Aaron said, sounding impressed.

“Yeah, well, my game plan for the rest of the apocalypse is to go unnoticed,” Julian replied.

“How’d you get out here, anyway, kid?” Rick asked, drawing Julian’s attention back to him and Judith in his arms. “We’re far from home.”

“Luck, mostly,” Julian answered with a wider than usual grin. “Some skill.”

“Your foster folks make it?”

“You think I’d be here without them if they did?”

“Yes.”

Julian ran his fingers through his long hair. “They didn’t make it.”

“You think I’m right?” Rick asked. “About Aaron and his group?”

Julian stood up and turned to face Rick, looking into his blue eyes. “You’re the leader of your group, so that makes you my leader, now. And… I trust you, Grimes. Always have. That doesn’t mean I won’t question you when I think you’re screwing up, but it does mean, on this, I’m following your lead.”

Rick stopped moving for a moment. He had never known that Julian had trusted him, because as far as he had known, Julian trusted no one. Rick had always worried that Julian was utterly alone back then. It was nice to know maybe he wasn’t and maybe Rick had been part of that.

“Hey. Where’s everyone else?” Julian wondered.

“Michonne, Maggie, Glenn, Abraham, and Rosita are checkin’ out his story,” Rick looked at his watch. “We go after them in fifty-three minutes.”

“That’s not everyone,” Julian prodded.

“Others are out there, settin’ a perimeter.” Rick pointed at the barndoor.

“You have anyone that can butcher a deer?” Julian asked with a sigh. “I killed the thing. I don’t want to mutilate it, too.”

“Daryl,” Rick said.

“Right. Thanks,” Julian smiled at both Rick and Aaron before slipping out of the barn.

Julian found Carol first. She honestly frightened him, so he was a little nervous as he spoke to her. After asking about the blood coating him and making sure he wasn’t hurt, Carol pointed him toward the area Daryl had stomped off too. Julian thanked her before going searching for Daryl.

He still had hope that, somehow, Gianna could grow up to be a little more like Carol.

Daryl, of course, saw Julian before Julian saw him. And when Julian noticed him, his eyes narrowed in on the crossbow pointed at him. He just stopped walking forward and didn’t say anything. He did his best not to smile. He knew Daryl hated his smile, which was a first.

“What happened to ya?” Daryl asked, shifting the crossbow away from Julian.

“Killed a deer,” Julian answered. “Rick said you’d know how to butcher it for dinner.”

“You don’t?”

“I do, actually. My last foster mom was an avid hunter, and she always took me with her. Her husband hated hunting and refused to go, and she refused to leave me alone with him. Funny thing, he never looked at me. Like, not just sexually. At all. The guy hated me the second his wife made him take me in. Anyway, I think she had some sort of mental disorder because she was paranoid as hell and not just when it came to me. She thought everyone was actively trying to take away everything that made her happy. Also, I never figured out why she thought I’d be interested in a boring man like him.”

Daryl cleared his throat.

Julian huffed. “Right. You either hate my voice or the things I say.”

“Both.”

Julian looked down at his tattered shoes. “Can you butcher my deer?” he asked.

“Fine,” Daryl grunted.

Julian barely suppressed a smile. “Thanks.”

When he looked back up, Julian’s eyes connected with Daryl’s. Daryl squinted at him. Julian could basically hear Daryl thinking that he wanted Julian to just leave already. He turned, planning to give Daryl just what he wanted. But he only turned halfway before looking back.

“Why did you give me your vest, last night?” Julian asked.

Daryl shrugged. “Jus’ did.”

“You still hate me?”

“Don’t care much ‘bout ya.”

“Is it my face?”

“What?”

Julian turned to fully face Daryl. “I’m not used to people not liking me for no reason. And, you don’t just not like me because you don’t know me because you’re not hostile toward Gianna at all. So, you know, is it my face? Because, usually, people like me because of my face, but I know I remind some of your friends of a girl you just lost, but-“

“Beth?” Daryl asked, an angered edge to his voice.

“Is that Maggie’s sister?”

Daryl took a threatening step forward. “You don’t look anythin’ like her.”

“Okay, okay.” Julian backed away, raising his hands up. “I’m sorry, okay? I think it’s just the blonde hair, blue eyes thing.”

Daryl reached abruptly into his pocket. Julian flinched away from him. Daryl did not miss the movement. “Not gonna hurt ya,” Daryl muttered, holding out whatever he had just taken from his pocket for Julian.

Julian took a few steps closer before reaching out and taking…

“A hairband?”

“You were bitchin’ ‘bout it yesterday,” Daryl explained. “Sasha had an extra.”

Julian smiled. “So, have I just read you wrong? Are you a caring, sweet guy, you know, real deep down?”

“I don’t like you,” Daryl said, very clearly, like he really wanted to make sure the message got through. “You talk too much.”

“I do,” Julian looked at the black hairband resting in his palm. “My Dad used to smack me, every time I opened my mouth. You know, I was mute for an entire two years? I was young. Scared. So, I just didn’t say a word because I didn’t want to upset anyone – I thought everyone would react the way he did. When I started talking again, I had this terrible stutter and he used to laugh at me… so, I’m sorry that I talk too much. I know, I do. It’s a real problem, but I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, and I have years of silence to make up for.”

Daryl clenched his jaw, watching Julian silently. Sighing, Julian put his hair up into a messy bun, so it was out of his face for the first time in months.

“Anyway… thanks,” Julian mumbled.

Julian only got a few steps away before Daryl said, “Why tell people that shit?”

Julian rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Daryl. “Why hide it? I did nothing wrong. I was an abused and neglected kid. I refuse to let anyone make me feel shame for that anymore. I mean, I’m kinda ashamed of how long I let it go on, but not that it happened. Especially with my dad. I was a kid, then. I had absolutely no control.”

Daryl’s eyes flicked down, then back up. He looked into Julian’s strange eyes.

“I’ll just… take care of the deer myself,” Julian said.

Daryl didn’t respond. He just watched Julian walk away.

When Michonne, Maggie, Glenn, Abraham, and Rosita returned with a stack of canned food, Julian felt like he had wasted his time killing and butchering the deer. He looked over at Daryl chomping on what had been cooked already, moments before the others returned with the canned food.

Julian sat in the back of the group, silently listening to them discuss whether or not to go to Aaron’s community. He reached down and started untying his shoes in order to tie them up again, because they slowly loosened until he worried they may slip off – the shoes were half a size too big.

Julian stood by what he said. Wherever Rick landed on this decision, Julian was behind him. So, he didn’t add anything. By the time he finished tying his shoes, the conversation was over. They were to eat and rest for the rest of the day, then leave at night. Julian knew the others thought it wasn’t safe to leave at night, but he and Gianna used to travel exclusively after sunset.

“Are you okay with this?” Gianna asked.

Julian looked up in surprise. Everyone had dispersed already. He hadn’t been paying attention after it was decided they would check out the community Aaron offered them.

“It’s fine,” Julian answered.

“Are you okay, just in general?” Gianna wondered, a hand landing on his shoulder.

“You know me. I bounce back quickly.” Julian smiled (he actually heard Daryl grunt unhappily somewhere across the barn and wondered if it was really just because he smiled). “What about you? You doin’ okay?”

Gianna shrugged. “I’m kind of excited to see this community.”

“We’re too close, Gia,” Julian reminded her. “We need to keep moving. You knew these guys may settle down too close and now, it’s lookin’ like they could. And, if they do, we have to keep movin’. The further we are, the safer we are.”

“I like these people, Jules,” Gianna sighed.

“I know. They seem like decent people… But we’ve been fooled before,” Julian said. “Why don’t you go help pack up?”

Gianna rolled her eyes but said, “Fine.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help,” Julian said, pushing himself up.

“Actually…” Carol walked over, a bottle of water from Aaron in her hand. “You need to wash off. It won’t do us any good if you smell like dinner to whatever’s out there.”

Julian wasn’t sure what to say at first, mostly because Carol’s interruption meant she had been listening to his conversation with Gianna. He quickly glanced around the barn. Of course, she had been listening. They hadn’t exactly been in private.

“You sure we can waste it?” Julian asked, taking the water from Carol.

Carol shrugged. “We’re not drinking it, are we?”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be?”

“Not until we know Aaron’s telling the truth,” Glenn said quickly from across the barn.

Julian felt his cheeks heat up slightly, realizing everyone but Rick, who had gone outside, and Michonne, who had followed Rick, heard his conversation with Gianna. He wasn’t used to being around others anymore and guarding his conversations with her.

Julian walked out of the barn, then behind it, so that if anyone else came outside, they wouldn’t bump into him. That, and he just kind of wanted some separation from the others, to remind himself he could still find it. It hadn’t even been that long since it wasn’t just him and Gianna, but it felt like he was suffocating from the presence of the others – probably because of being confined in the small barn.

Julian set the bottle of water down, so he could unbutton the loose plaid shirt he wore. It was too big, but it had been clean when he found it and that was more than he could say about the shirt he had been wearing at the time.

“Not here.”

Julian spun around to see Daryl walking over. “What?”

“Could have ta come back,” Daryl explained, grabbing the bottle.

“I don’t think a little deer blood-”

“Not here.” Daryl walked away with the water.

Julian scoffed, but followed, shoving his hands into his pockets. Daryl led him through the fallen trees and into the line of still standing ones. Daryl leaned left, then right rather drastically, trying to find a way to view the barn. He must not have liked what he saw, because he led Julian even further into the trees.

“Are you going to kill me?” Julian asked, mostly joking.

Daryl’s decision not to answer made Julian wonder if Daryl was actually planning to kill him. He glanced over his shoulder – the barn was not readily visible.

“Seriously, are you going to kill me?” Julian questioned.

“Not yet,” Daryl answered.

“You _have_ to know you scare me,” Julian declared.

Daryl stopped walking. He turned around to fix an intense glare on Julian, who quickly stepped back.

“Why?”

Julian swallowed and looked down. “Well, I don’t hide it very well, do I? I flinch when you come anywhere near me and I ramble when I’m around you. Like, yeah, I talk a lot with other people, but you make me so flustered I can’t think straight because I’m just wondering if you’re thinking about punching me ‘cause you’ve definitely looked at me like you want to throw a punch. I mean, did you not notice? Should I be straightforward with you? Daryl… what’s your last name?”

“Dixon.”

“Daryl Dixon, you scare the shit outta me.”

“I mean, why do I scare ya?” Daryl grumbled

“Has it been that long since you looked in a mirror?” Julian chuckled awkwardly. “You forget what you look like?”

“’Cause I look homophobic?” Daryl questioned, eyes narrowed.

Julian cringed at the reminder of his earliest jab at Daryl. “Sorry.”

“Why’s everyone think I’m straight?” Daryl asked, taking a step closer.

Julian’s brow creased in confusion. “What?”

“I ain’t straight,” Daryl said a moment before he crashed his lips against Julian’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for giving me and my story a piece of your day :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Julian talk some. Probably not enough. Then, to top it off, there's some Rick and Jules feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I didn't stick to my 24-hours-between-posts pledge, but I don't care as long as you don't.

Julian was shocked, at first. Of course, he was shocked. The second most intimidating man he had ever seen (right behind Rick) was kissing him. It was a hard, bruising kiss. Daryl gripped Julian’s hair, knocking the hairband right off so he could easily use the grip to tilt his head and fit their mouths together.

Once the shock wore off, Julian was already swept away in the kiss. It had just been so long. And Daryl was so attractive. Even scuffed up and dirty. And his touch felt like pleasant little sparks of electricity. But Julian would have never thought of approaching him. First of all, Daryl scared the hell out of him. Second, he never thought Daryl would be interested in him, even if he wasn’t straight. Daryl looked like, if he was interested in men at all, he’d be interested in the feminine ones with small, soft bodies. And, while Julian wasn’t the picture of masculinity, he was not feminine. His body had hard, sharp edges, which he worked hard for even in the apocalypse.

Daryl tasted angry – no, he kissed angry. He tasted like cigarettes and deer and somehow that wasn’t a turn off.

Daryl’s hand left Julian’s hair. He finished unbuttoning Julian’s shirt, his hands running across Julian’s sides as he pushed the shirt off.

That’s when Julian’s senses crashed back to him.

“No, no, no, no,” Julian said quickly. He may have said it multiple times, but Daryl was backing away before the second ‘no’ could be uttered.

Julian touched his lips lightly. Daryl wiped his.

“What the hell?” Julian asked, curious but not angry. “You don’t even like me.”

“Don’t have to like ya to wanna screw ya,” Daryl replied.

Julian snatched the bottle of water off the ground from where Daryl had dropped it in his haste to kiss him.

“You know what, I’ll have sex with you,” Julian said as he unscrewed the top of the water bottle. “It’s been a while and you’re hot. But don’t kiss me.”

Daryl took the water bottle from Julian and motioned for him to turn around by turning his finger in a circle in front of Julian’s face.

“Show me a condom first,” Julian said.

Daryl’s eyebrows rose. “Gonna clean ya off. Turn ‘round.”

“Right,” Julian chuckled, turning so his blood streaked back was accessible to Daryl. “You’ve completely thrown me off, here, Dixon.”

“Why can’t I kiss ya?” Daryl asked, pouring some water over Julian’s shoulders.

“Kissing’s what you do when you like someone,” Julian answered as Daryl wiped the blood and water off him with calloused hands. “We don’t like each other. Kissing should be romantic, and I can already tell, anything we do, romance is not gonna be involved.”

Daryl laughed at him. It was short and derisive. “Kissing’s just what ya do before sex.”

“That’s sad,” Julian sighed. “That you think that way.”

“It’s dumb you don’t.”

 “Why do you want to kiss me anyway? I’m offering you, like, everything else.”

Daryl turned Julian around to deal with the blood that made it down his chest. “I like your lips,” Daryl said.

“Ah, right.” Julian nodded, instinctively reaching up again to touch, and hide, his lips. He couldn’t control that they were full, heart-shaped, and always slightly pursed even when completely relaxed, so he was perpetually pouting. “I’ve heard that before. Cock-sucking lips, right?”

“Didn’t say that,” Daryl replied. “Said I like ‘em.”

“I can read between the lines,” Julian mumbled.

“You’re clean,” Daryl pushed Julian away from him.

Julian stumbled but easily kept his balance. He leaned down and grabbed his shirt. “Think anyone brought an extra shirt?” he asked, looking down at the bloody button up.

“Ya look good without one.”

“Shut up. That’s not helping.”

Daryl took the shirt from Julian, poured the rest of the water on it, and wringed it out. “Gonna need more water.”

“Wait, did you even care that I was washing off blood so close to the barn or did you just want to get me alone?” Julian asked incredulously.

“I wanted to get ya alone,” Daryl admitted.

“You could have just said something.”

“Coulda. Didn’t.”

“Do your friends know? About you being… not straight?” Julian asked.

“Nah.” Daryl tossed the bundled-up shirt to Julian, who barely caught it. “Never comes up.”

Julian stared at Daryl, mouth agape.

“Don’t say anythin’,” Daryl growled, though it didn’t seem quite as threatening as it could have.

“Oh… okay, I get it,” Julian laughed dryly. “You’re one of those guys who’s ashamed of it, right?”

“It don’t matter,” Daryl grumbled. “It’s what I am.”

“Oh man. You’re one depressing son of a bitch,” Julian declared.

Daryl said nothing, looking at Julian’s lips.

“Let’s just get back to the barn,” Julian mumbled.

Daryl grabbed Julian’s wrist before he could walk away. Julian looked into Daryl’s eyes. Daryl reached up with his other hand to stroke his thumb over Julian’s bottom lip.

“One more kiss,” Daryl whispered.

Julian glanced over his shoulder. Then he looked back at Daryl and sighed. “Fine.”

Daryl instantly had Julian pressed against a tree, kissing him hard. Julian wasn’t surprised by the ferocity of Daryl’s kiss – he’d be much more surprised if Daryl was gentle with him. He was overwhelmed quickly by Daryl’s passion, gripping his shirt with both hands and holding him close.

Julian gasped into Daryl’s mouth when a thumb brushed over his nipple. He, to his never-ending embarrassment, let out a soft moan when Daryl rolled his nipple between his fingers. Julian turned his head to end the kiss, breathing heavily. Daryl seemed to take that as a sign that he’d gone too far, as he quickly backed away. His breathing was slightly quicker than usual, but he didn’t seem nearly as effected as Julian felt.

Julian chuckled softly and said the first thing that came to mind: “It’s funny – ironic, even. You’re like, the first guy that didn’t use our first kiss just to shut me up.”

Daryl scowled as he grabbed the shirt Julian had dropped when Daryl pushed him against the tree. He threw the shirt at Julian’s chest, then walked away without a word.

Julian slowly pulled the damp shirt on and buttoned it up until it was just his collarbone exposed, watching Daryl until he was hidden by the trees.

_Apparently, I can’t have a normal relationship_ , Julian thought, bending over to grab the hairband off the ground. He slipped it onto his wrist. _Not even a normal hook-up. The crazy, closeted redneck of the group decided to latch onto me. Physically._

He didn’t think Rick was waiting for him to return. It just so happened that Rick was outside at the time, so he noticed Julian right away. He motioned for Julian to come over to where he was standing next to a rusted car. Despite how confused he was over Daryl’s kiss, Julian grinned like he didn’t have a care in the world.

Rick used to park his cop car down the street from his foster homes. Julian would walk by on his way back from school and Rick would motion him over in the same way. Most of the time, Rick just asked about his day and made him feel like there was one person who cared about him. Other times, he asked the kind of questions that made Julian want to avoid him.

It was a nice, little reminder of good memories.

“All okay?” Julian asked.

“Just want to check in with you,” Rick said. “Make sure you’re okay after yesterday.”

Julian grimaced. So, it was one of those conversations.

“I’m fine.” Julian tried to walk away but Rick caught his arm in a still-familiar grasp.

“You were messed up yesterday. Worse than I’ve ever seen you, and I’ve seen you real messed up, Julian,” Rick said with concern and quite a bit of conviction.

Julian cringed. There was no way Rick wouldn’t find out what he’d gone through, if he and Gianna stayed with this group. “Listen, Grimes, I… I usually control myself better than that. I’m sorry, for putting you and yours at risk.”

“I’m more worried ‘bout you,” Rick said. “There’s no one in the world made happy as easy as you. But you’re also good at pretendin’ to be happy. So, which is it? You happy today, or pretendin’?”

Julian laughed softly. “It varies.”

“What happened to you, kid?”

Julian raised an eyebrow. “At this point? Everything. Can you say any different?”

“Maybe not.”

“I’ll control myself better, next time.”

He tried to walk away again. Rick caught his arm again. He decided he needed to run away from conversations – just not give people time to hold him in place.

Julian groaned loudly.

“Calm down,” Rick chuckled. “Just wanna tell ya, Daryl’s harmless.”

Julian swallowed nervously. There was no way Rick knew, right? “I highly doubt that.”

Rick considered it for a moment then nodded in agreement as his shoulders rose in a shrug. “Okay. Shoulda said he’s harmless to the right people.”

“So… he’s not gonna punch me for talkin’ too much?”

Rick hesitated before saying, “I’m not gonna make any promises. But you’ll probably have to do more to earn it.”

Julian bit his lip, then flinched at the pain of biting the already swollen and raw flesh.

“What’s wrong?” Rick wondered.

“Tried biting through my lip earlier,” Julian joked.

“You used to chew on your lip when you were scared.”

“How do you remember that shit?”

“I thought I was gonna find you beaten or starved to death,” Rick said casually, looking at something in the distance behind Julian. “Everything about you is burned into my mind, kid.”

Julian ran his hand through his hair. He bundled it up and tied it in a bun with the hairband.  

“Is that why you stalked me?” Julian joked.

Rick gave a half-hearted smile. “It wasn’t stalking. I was doin’ my job.”

“A social worker was supposed to take care of home visits and shit.”

“Yeah, and your social worker didn’t do her damn job.”

Julian laughed. “Oh, man, I missed you, Grimes.”

Now, Rick gave him a real smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't start out this way, but as I was writing, I realized this story is just as much about Rick and Julian as Julian and Daryl. It makes sense, really. I started this shortly after that heartbreaking end to season 8A. Just, pure heartbreak. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang learns more about Julian on the way to Aaron's offered community. Some of Daryl's thoughts are revealed.  
> A herd of walkers is involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're, at least, getting one more chapter from me at some point today. There's a specific scene I want to get to that's, like, three chapters away still, so... yeah. I guess, this is what happens when you've already got the whole story written. It's hard to pace posting it.

Daryl hated Julian Kline. No. Nope. He hated what Julian represented. He hated that Julian was so damn attractive.

Daryl had been attracted to women and men for as long as he could remember. But he’d learned early on that only one of those things was acceptable. So, he suppressed his feelings concerning men, by whatever means possible. Sometimes, that involved heavy drinking and sometimes that involved finding a woman to distract himself with. On several occasions it had involved multiple women in one night. Once or twice at the same time.

It was easier, these days, to deny himself what he wanted. There were less men around for him to feel attracted to and less time for sex in general. Then, he saw Julian.

The attraction was instant. Even Julian’s goofy smile and optimism couldn’t lessen it. Julian’s eyes were mesmerizing, but Daryl kept looking to his lips – they had looked so soft. Daryl wanted to know for sure. He wanted to feel them against his own lips so much it had been driving him crazy since Julian first smiled. And, for the first time in his life, Daryl lost control and kissed a man.

Daryl had tried hard as hell to keep his hands off Julian. He told himself he hated the guy, but he couldn’t help but like him a little. He could see by the way the others looked at Julian that they felt the same. He was just easy to like.

_It’s his smile,_ Daryl thought, watching Julian. _He has the best smile_.

Julian laughed at something Eugene said, though Eugene hadn’t meant it as a joke. Julian’s smile lit up the RV as it trudged along behind the car carrying Rick, Glenn, Michonne, and Aaron on the way to Aaron’s community, if it existed.

Daryl made himself look away from Julian. He eyes scanned some of the others packed tightly into the RV. Gianna was leaning against Julian, sleeping. Maggie and Tara were whispering to each other. Eugene was still trying to explain something to Julian. Carl watched everyone silently, holding onto Judith.

Daryl’s gaze drifted back to Julian. And, this time, Julian was looking at him, too. Smiling at him. Daryl glared at Julian, ignoring the twisting in his stomach and the stirring in his jeans.

Julian looked away. Still smiling. It was hard to believe the grinning fool in front of Daryl now had fallen apart at some thunder the night before.

“Where’d you get that bow?” Rosita wondered, twisting around in the passengers’ seat to look back at Julian.

“Oh…” Julian chuckled awkwardly. “Sunny was a gift from my first boyfriend. His family was real rich – they lived on a plantation and everything. So, every time he beat me, he’d get me an expensive gift to try and make up for it. Sunny was, by far, my favorite.”

Daryl’s eyes narrowed in on Julian. He said it so damn casually. Daryl hated how casually Julian talked about these kinds of things. He hated that Julian talked about it at all. Daryl rarely spoke about the things that had been done to him. It was painful to remember and it made him furious, so he tried not to remember, let alone talk about it. Hell, the little bastard was still smiling.

What was wrong with him? And what was wrong with Daryl for being so damn attracted to him?

“Don’t tell Grimes, though,” Julian added as everyone just stared at him. “It was one thing to let myself be knocked around by my guardians. It was another thing to not leave my boyfriend when he started doing the same. But…” Julian shrugged. “Some of us are just born to be a punching bag for others, right?”

“No,” Carol said sternly.

Daryl understood where Julian was coming from. He had thought the same thing about himself before. It was different, now. These days, Daryl wondered if he had been born, and suffered through all he had suffered through, only to be here for Judith and Carl. Carol, Rick, Michonne, Glenn, and Maggie. The others too; he was here, now, for them. To keep them alive.

Daryl glanced at Gianna, still sleeping. Had Julian realized he may have been born to keep her alive? Or would he still sleep with a person who had bloodied their fists on his beautiful face?

“Dad talked ‘bout you,” Carl said suddenly.

Everyone looked at him. Abraham even glanced back as he drove.

“Not to me, but to my mom,” Carl continued, shifting Judith in his arms. “He taught you to defend yourself. To fight back.”

Julian nodded slowly. “He did. And it’s definitely helped me survive this whole mess, but there’s a difference in knowing how to fight back and being brave enough to.”

“Or wantin’ to,” Daryl grumbled, not sure who he was talking about. He certainly wasn’t looking at Julian as he said it.

“How many people have beat you up?” Tara wondered, sounding too curious and not angry enough for Daryl’s liking.

“Twelve.”

Julian was still smiling, and it momentarily made Daryl want to add himself to that list.

“Most of them are dead, now,” Gianna said.

She hadn’t moved when she woke, so Daryl hadn’t realized she was listening. Neither, apparently, had Julian, who looked at her with wide eyes, shifting so he was no longer a good pillow. Gianna sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“I only killed, like, four of them,” Julian said quickly.

That peaked Daryl’s interest. He was trying to think of a question to ask and how to ask it and if he should ask it when Abraham said “ah, shit.”

Daryl stood instantly. That was not good. That was the last thing he wanted to hear from Abraham.

“What are those idiots doin’?”

Nope. Maybe that was the last thing he wanted to hear from Abraham.

Daryl moved to stand beside Abraham, peering out the windshield.

“Shit,” he mumbled.

There were so many walkers that Daryl’s muscles instantly went tense, his body knowing they were all in danger before his brain had fully comprehended the situation. And even as Abraham slammed on the brakes, the little car in front of the RV kept going. Daryl didn’t understand what the others were doing and why they didn’t stop before colliding with the herd.

They could be dead, he realized. This could kill them. There were so many walkers.

“That’s no good,” Julian said.

Daryl jumped and turned to see Julian standing behind him, gazing over his shoulder out the window.

“You got another way you can go?” Julian asked Abraham.

“Yeah – the way the little guy wanted to go in the first place,” Abraham answered.

“Or we could circle back and turn on that road we passed about three miles back,” Rosita said as Abraham started backing the RV away from the walkers he had indivertibly driven into before realizing what was happening. “It might run parallel, so we have a chance of meeting up with them.”

“Oh, they aren’t makin’ it through that,” Julian declared, walking away from the front of the RV.

“What?” Daryl growled, following Julian with heavy footfalls.

“Haven’t you ever tried driving through a herd of ‘em, before? I mean, these things are barely holding themselves together. Hit them with your car and you got arms and legs and heads falling off. That shit clogs the engine, messes with the tires, and shit. That car is stalled out, I promise you that much.” As he spoke, Julian was fishing around in the backpack he had kept to himself.

“Don’t go after them,” Gianna pleaded softly behind Daryl.

Both Daryl and Julian turned to face her, Julian holding a shining hunting knife in each hand.

Julian still had the gall to grin. “You know me so well.”

Before anything else could be said, Julian had kissed Gianna’s forehead and run out of the RV with the two hunting knives and absolutely nothing else.

Daryl didn’t know whether he was relieved or disappointed to see Julian Kline rush off to his death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just adore Daryl. It's hard to get into his head, 'cause he's seems so distant, but he's incredibly caring at the same time. At least, before The Saviors. I won't say it's been easy watching him go down a darker path this past season.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick, Glenn, Michonne, Julian, and Aaron attempt to survive the herd of walkers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

It wasn’t easy going, but Julian had fought through a bigger herd of walkers with more people to protect and one less knife to protect them with. The key was moving quickly through the first open space visible. There was no room for thinking or planning. He only took the time to kill a walker when there was no other way to avoid it. Mostly, Julian tried to make himself as small as possible and move as quickly as he could.

He stumbled momentarily when he saw a flare in the distance. He frowned – it was too far away. They couldn’t have gotten that far in the time it had taken for him to make it most of the way through the herd. In fact, he thought he saw brake lights ahead.

So, who shot the flare?

A body bumped into him and Julian quickly turned, stabbing the hunting knife in his left hand into the skull of a terribly rotten walker. He’d seen a lot, but the rotten flesh falling from broken bones and the smell of death so near still made him queasy.

He’d forgotten the most important part of staying alive in the middle of a herd – don’t think. He only survived because he was moving through a group of walkers that had just had a car pass through it.

When Julian actually broke free from the herd, covered in blood and a little bit of guts, he grunted his disapproval, brushing some flesh off his sleeve. And there it was, the car Glenn had been driving with Rick, Michonne, and a tied-up Aaron inside.

Julian didn’t see Aaron. He barely saw Michonne, saying something to Rick and Glenn from where she stood at the side of the road. The only word Julian could make out over the growling and grumbling from the walkers behind him was, “Flare.” He jogged over toward the car just as Rick and Glenn followed Michonne into the woods. Julian glanced over his shoulder, as if he could see the RV that had certainly turned around by now.

He didn’t like that they were leaving the road, but there was another group of walkers moving toward the car from the direction they had been going. Soon, the two groups would merge around the car.

“Shit,” Julian hissed to himself before following after the small group.

The brake lights of the car gave them some light beyond what the moon could provide, but it was an eerie red light that somehow made the whole thing feel even more dangerous. Like the group was walking itself straight into hell. Julian did his best to stay unseen when guns started being shot. He didn’t want to get mistaken as one of the dead.

Julian watched Glenn get herded away from Rick and Michonne by the walkers. He killed one walker just a few steps too close for his comfort by shoving his knife into an empty eye socket. He wanted to shout out and let Rick and Michonne know he was going after Glenn, but he didn’t. That could draw more walkers toward him. He just rushed after Glenn, still unseen by anyone living.

By the time Julian caught up to Glenn, he was on the ground with a walker on top of him. Glenn grunted as he gripped the thing’s head, his muscles straining to hold its chomping jaws away from his face.

Julian rushed over and stabbed his knife into the walker’s skull. Glenn shoved the body off as soon as Julian had pulled his knife free.

“Thanks.” Glenn stood quickly. “What are you doing here?”

“Just here to help,” Julian said. “Come on, we should get back to Grimes and Michonne.”

“Yeah,” Glenn said. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I’ll follow your lead,” Julian muttered.

He wasn’t used to it, anymore; bowing to another’s will. But it seemed like the best way to handle the situations he was finding himself in lately. And, when it came to the situation he was in now as they walked through dark woods, he thought Glenn was his best hope of getting back to Rick.

“Get off!”

Glenn looked over to see Aaron first, leaning back against a tree. Which was smart, Julian decided, when he, too, looked over to see Aaron. He was less likely to have a walker surprise him from behind while he tried to deal with the one in front of him. However, the strategy of yelling, “Get off!” at a creature that couldn’t understand and was actively attracted to loud noises was much less smart.

Julian frowned as Aaron tried to kick the walker away, his hands still tied behind his back.

He’d die, for sure. He couldn’t survive without the use of his hands.

Julian looked at Glenn for guidance in what he should do. Glenn turned like he was going to walk away. Julian bit his lip, wondering if he could walk away from Aaron. Wondering if he could live with that. Wondering if Aaron would be a name he should add to his list for the next time someone asked him how many people he had killed.

Suddenly, Glenn rushed over and killed the walker giving Aaron trouble. There was a gunshot in the distance, which made Julian realize that he hadn’t been hearing Rick’s gun this whole time. That should have probably worried him.

Julian was not paying attention to Glenn and Aaron’s short conversation. The little he heard seemed to be Aaron trying to convince Glenn that their best chance of survival was together. Julian’s eyes swept over the trees, looking for movement. He wondered if Rick and Michonne were holding their own still. They probably were, if only for Michonne.

Julian wasn’t sure he had ever met anyone as impressive as her. Rick probably couldn’t be with anyone better if his ammunition ran out.

“Let’s go,” Glenn said quickly, leading the way once more.

Julian glanced at Aaron, who was following Glenn.

“Hey,” Julian greeted.

“Hi,” Aaron replied awkwardly.

When the three of them reached Rick and Michonne, it was right on time. The pair were melee fighting a large group of walkers. A moment later and it was likely someone was losing a limb or worse. As it was, Glenn and Aaron easily finished off the nearby walkers with their guns.

Rick turned around and his eyes instantly fell on his hostage, untied and given a gun. Julian kept looking around, biting his lip despite the twinge of pain it caused. He kept expecting more walkers to appear. There had been so many at the road and it couldn’t have helped them to shoot the guns as often as they had, though he would admit that it had been necessary to do so.

“ _Julian_ ,” Rick hissed in a way that made Julian think he hadn’t heard the first few times Rick had tried to get his attention.

“Yeah?” Julian looked at Rick, kind of wondering why they weren’t running away yet.

“What’re you doin’ here?” Rick asked.

“Just helping,” Julian said. “We need to go.”

Rick nodded in agreement. He pointed away from the direction Glenn, Aaron, and Julian had come from. “That way.”

Julian walked at the back of the five-person group. He was trying to find a clean spot on his shirt to wipe off his knives. He pursed his lips and scrunched his nose. Maybe his back wasn’t so drenched in walker blood.

They reached the road and Rick spun around to tensely ask Aaron, “Where are they?”

Julian almost said that, of course, Aaron wouldn’t know. He hadn’t been on the RV. He didn’t know that they were considering going the way Aaron had wanted them to or finding a road that would take them parallel to where they expected Rick’s small group to be. But Aaron beat him to it, saying he didn’t know, and, to Julian’s surprise, the exchange led to Rick threatening to kill Aaron’s people.

 Julian had rarely seen Rick like this. Only two occasions came to mind – when Rick found Julian drugged out of his mind in some abandoned warehouse thanks to a foster brother trying to take advantage of him, and when one of Julian’s foster fathers had punched him in the back of the head, obviously unaware that Rick was watching at the time.

Seeing Rick like this with someone who had really done them no harm was strange. It reminded Julian that he wasn’t the only one changed by this new world. In fact, he should have expected this. Who wouldn’t be changed?

After making his threat, Rick turned his agitated attention on Julian.

“Do you know where they are?” Rick asked. He was gentler than he had been with Aaron, but still angry. Still desperate.

“I don’t,” Julian answered. “We stopped before getting into the thick of it with the walkers. They were debatin’ on going back or going around, I think. I kinda rushed out of there. I wasn’t with them when the flare went off. I don’t know if they decided to go toward it.”

Rick pointed out the water tower in the distance and their direction was decided.

As they walked down the road, Julian glanced from one to the other and, for the first time, wondered if Gianna was safe. For the first time, he wondered if it had been smart to leave her behind in order to help Rick. It was Gianna, after all. She was his priority.

“Hey.”

Julian looked up at Michonne. “Hi.”

“What made you come running after us?” she wondered.

“I don’t know,” Julian admitted. “I don’t really question myself when I feel like doing something, and I felt like going after you. I don’t know if it really did any good, but here I am.”

“How’d you get through the walkers?” Glenn asked.

“I’m quick and good with a knife,” Julian answered. “And you kinda cleared a pretty decent path. The RV couldn’t get through, but it wasn’t too difficult for one person. I only almost got bit once.”

“Shouldn’t of risked it,” Rick said from his place at the front of the group, looking back at Julian.

“Probably shouldn’t have,” Julian agreed with a bright smile.

Rick shook his head. If he was not so worried about locating his son and daughter, he would have smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, guys, I forgot how much I loved Glenn until I started re-watching some old episodes. He was really the heart of the group. I think I blocked out how much I miss him. 
> 
> Also, I know it kinda sucks that there's no Daryl and Julian interactions in this chapter. I mean, Julian doesn't even think about Daryl. But I really wanted to stick to the plot of the show and I don't know what they did in that RV, especially once they found Eric. I only know what happened with Rick, Glenn, Michonne, and Aaron, so I stuck Julian in with them. I hope you don't mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang reunites.

All Julian felt when he turned a corner and saw Daryl standing outside a door that said, “Supply Room,” was relief. He’d been afraid they’d never all find each other again. The only thing that could have been better was if Gianna had been standing outside too. He wouldn’t really relax until he saw her.

Daryl knocked on the door and, a moment later, Maggie and Carl ran out. Maggie wrapped her arms around Glenn and Carl called to his dad. It warmed Julian’s heart to see Carl rush to hug Rick. Julian had always thought Rick would be an amazing dad. He could tell just by the way Rick treated him – the protectiveness and the lectures and the love he had no reason to give. Julian always knew Rick would be even better with his own son.

But he’d rarely had the chance to see Carl and Rick interact. He thought Lori hadn’t liked him much, so he’d tried to stay away from her home no matter how many times Rick offered him a place to stay to get him away from whoever was currently hurting him. Lori was always polite, but there was a coldness in her eyes when she looked at Julian. He kind of understood. Rick spent a lot of time trying to protect him and worrying about him. It couldn’t have been easy for her.

Gianna walked out of the building and Julian finally felt like he could relax. Except, she did not look happy. He did kind of rush off without really saying goodbye. Julian only glanced away from her when Aaron started to call for someone named Eric.

It took a moment for Julian to remember there was no one in Rick’s group named Eric. He watched Aaron rush into the building everyone had walked out of, whatever it once was. He couldn’t tell what the building used to hold or what its purpose used to be from the outside. But it looked old and like it belonged in an apocalypse.

Gianna cleared her throat when she was in front of him to draw his attention to her.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“You hurt under all that gore?” Gianna wondered.

“Not even a little,” Julian answered.

“Good.” Gianna crossed her arms. “Because running off like you did was reckless, and it’d be pretty infuriating if you died doing something so stupid.”

“So, you’re mad?” Julian asked with a smirk.

“I’m not mad,” Gianna huffed. “I’m frustrated. Why would you just run off like that?”

“I thought they might need help.”

“And did they?”

Julian considered it for a moment before saying, “Probably not.”

“How many times have I asked you to think dangerous things through before doing them?” Gianna groaned.

“Say it as much as you want. I’m just not a big thinker,” Julian responded.

“Clearly,” Gianna grumbled.

Julian grinned, his teeth shining brightly next to the dark red covering most of his skin. Daryl suddenly stepped up in front of him, glaring at him as he shoved a gallon of water against Julian’s stomach.

“Clean up,” Daryl grunted.

“This the maybe-poisoned water from Aaron?” Julian wondered, holding it awkwardly with both forearms as he still gripped a knife in each hand.

“Clean up,” Daryl repeated before walking away.

“He hates you,” Gianna commented.

Julian chuckled. “I’m pretty sure he absolutely loathes me.”

She took the knives from him. “I’ll clean these and put them away.”

“Thanks, Gia.”

“So, what’d you do to make Daryl hate you?”

“Well, I’m not sure which pissed him off more, but he doesn’t like my smile. Nor does he like the way I talk or the things I talk about.”

“So… it’s not because you’re gay?”

Julian understood where she was coming from. After all, that had been his first thought when he saw Daryl. He still refused to hide his sexuality from anyone, but he had felt a spike of anxiety when he admitted it to Daryl.

“I don’t think so,” Julian said. And he was being honest. He really didn’t think Daryl hated him because he was gay. If anything, Julian thought, Daryl hated himself for being less than straight. But it didn’t seem like he held that against Julian at all.

He had more personal reasons to hate Julian. Reasons that hurt more, like Julian’s voice and his smile. Not just a blanketed, general hate.

“Well…” Julian sighed. “I should clean up.”

Gianna nodded. “I’ll take care of these.” She held up the knives. It did not look natural. “Then, I’ll go see if there’s anything for you to change into.”

“Thanks,” Julian replied.

Julian moved away from the group to wash the blood off his arms and do what he could to clean his clothes. A change of clothes would have been nice, but he wasn’t really thinking Gianna would find anything. Whatever buildings they were outside of, they looked industrial; not like a place where people lived and kept their clothes.

“Hey.”

Julian shrugged out of his shirt as he turned around to see Maggie.

“Glenn said you saved him,” Maggie said. “I just wanted to say thanks.”

“Oh, well, I think he would have been able to handle it without me, but I’m glad I was there,” Julian said, carefully pouring water over his left arm. He set down the bottle of water, so he could use his right hand to squeegee the blood off.

“I thought you were going to die when you ran off the RV,” Maggie admitted.

Julian grinned. Daryl passed by behind Maggie, scowling at his smile, which caused that smile to fade. He looked back at Maggie. “It was stupid of me,” he said.

"Stupid or brave,” Maggie replied. Her kind smile revived his.

Julian moved onto cleaning his right arm. “I’m at my best when I’m a little of both.”

Maggie looked like she was going to turn and walk away from him. He leaned his face back and poured some water over his head. He would have much preferred a hot shower to the lukewarm water he was using. But, he didn’t think he’d ever get to take a shower again. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to remember how it felt to be clean, truly clean with soap.

“Head over into there, when you’re done,” Maggie said, pointing to some other barely standing structure. Julian tilted his head – was it part of the same building? It was difficult to comprehend these things when everything was falling apart. “We’ll need to talk about what comes next.”

“I’m not sure I really need to be there,” Julian said as he poured the water over his shoulders. “I’m just along for the ride, at this point.”

“Would you have joined us, if you hadn’t known Rick from before?” Maggie asked curiously.

“To be completely honest,” Julian began, wiping water and blood from his skin. “I still didn’t want to join you guys. You’re basically going in the direction we’re supposed to be running from.”

“Then why’d you join us?”

“Gia wanted to. I let her make most of the big decisions. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not really a thinker.”

“What are you running from?”

Julian wet his lips, looking down at the pavement beneath his feet. “We’re running from the last group we were part of.”

“You think they’re searching for you?”

“It’s been a while, so, probably not anymore.”

“Do you think they’d hurt you, if they found you again?”

He wasn’t sure what to say, wiping some water away from his eyes. He sighed and looked at the remaining bit of water left in the gallon. His torso was as clean as he could be with just a gallon of water at his disposal.

Finally, he said, “I don’t know if they’d hurt us. They’d probably try to get us back, first. If that didn’t work, they’d threaten us. Maybe, after that, they’d go as far as to hurt us. All I know for sure is that they did not want to let us go and they looked for us for weeks after we left. I don’t think they would have wasted their time with that if they didn’t want us for something.”

“And, we’re close to where they are?” Maggie asked, glancing around as if the people Julian spoke of were already hiding around them.

“I don’t know if I’d say we’re _close_. We’re just not as far as I’d like to be.”

“How far would you have to get to feel like you’d gone far enough?”

Julian shrugged. “A couple states away?”

Maggie studied him as he tossed his shirt aside, deciding he’d rather not wear one than put on the plaid shirt that was damp with blood.

“Are you gonna leave us?” she asked, her arms crossed over her chest as she raised an eyebrow.

Julian chuckled and said, “What’s so wrong with that? You get attached to me already?”

“Kinda.”

“Really?”

“I lost my sister right before we met you,” Maggie said, very matter-of-factly. She was strong. But he’d known that much already. “When I first saw you, I just saw her. You don’t even look much like her, it’s just…”

“The blonde hair and blue eyes?” Julian provided.

Maggie nodded. “It’s not a common combination. It’s not like people can really bleach their hair anymore.”

“Not without a lot of work.”

Gianna walked over with a tattered tank top in her hands. “This is all I could find,” she said with a sigh.

Julian took the tank top from her. “It’s better than what I had. Thanks, Gia.”

“Rick wants to talk to us all,” Gianna said.

“We’ll be right in,” Maggie replied. Her tone was stern, but still gentle – it had just enough of an edge to let Gianna know Maggie needed some more time with Julian before they entertained anyone else’s company.

Julian watched Gianna walk away, wondering where she got the tank top she had given him.

“I don’t think about my sister when I look at you, anymore, Julian. Which, I thought that would take a lot more time… But you have too much of a personality for that. You’re too much your own person to ever remind me of someone else again,” Maggie said. Julian’s eyes slid back to connect with hers. “And the person you are is… you’re very likeable, Julian.”

Julian grinned his brightest grin yet. It was, perhaps, the happiest he had ever been.

“No one’s gonna stop you from leavin’,” Maggie continued. “If that’s what you decide to do. But I want you to stay.”

“That means a lot,” Julian said genuinely. He took a moment to pull the tank top over his head before saying, “You guys have been pretty nice to us. At least, much nicer than you’ve been to Aaron.”

“Julian, Maggie,” Rick called from that part of the building Julian couldn’t wrap his head around. What was it? What was it for? “We need to talk.”

Julian didn’t do any talking. He listened as Aaron thanked the members of the group who had arrived on the RV. Apparently, they had saved the life of whoever Eric was. Julian yawned, realizing suddenly how tired he was now that his adrenaline had worn off. He envied the time Gianna had spent sleeping on the ride over.

He wasn’t too aware of much. Rick and Aaron got in each other’s faces. Glenn spoke quietly to Rick for a moment and Julian thought it was likely that the others could hear, but he couldn’t. Or, at least, he didn’t comprehend anything, but suddenly, Rick wasn’t as hostile toward Aaron and everyone started to disperse, looking for where they would sleep for the night. Some wandered back to the RV.

Julian slid down the wall and fell asleep sitting up before Gianna even had time to say goodnight.

It had been a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's really interesting that a couple of people commented that they like Julian, right before this chapter where Maggie basically says the same thing. 
> 
> I'm ready for the next chapter, guys. You're going to learn some more about the history between Rick and Julian. Also, there's like 90% more Daryl, which is always nice.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick and Daryl have a conversation about Julian while Julian sleeps nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get this to Alexandria, then maybe I'll pace the chapters better...
> 
>  
> 
> But, probably not.

“You think I’m wrong to not trust Aaron?”

Daryl looked through his hair at Rick. He barely shook his head. “Nah.”

Rick raised an eyebrow. He expected a bit more of a response. Not much, because it was Daryl, but still, a little more would have been nice.

Daryl grunted before saying, “They just want a home.”

“I know,” Rick sighed. “What ‘bout you?”

Daryl shrugged. It was all the answer Rick was going to get.

“I need you to do somethin’ for me,” Rick said after a moment.

Daryl looked at Rick uncertainly.

“Stop glarin’ at Julian,” Rick suggested.

Daryl turned. He glanced over the few people who had just laid down in the room they had their talk in. Noah, Tara, and Carol slept on the floor, all turned in different directions with at least an arm’s length between them. Gianna was curled up in a corner. Just beside her was Julian, sleeping as he sat against the wall.

He looked… pained. It was probably just the way he was sleeping.

“Don’t like him,” Daryl snorted, looking back at Rick.

“Still, you don’t have to be glarin’ at him all the time,” Rick replied.

“Sounds like he’s used to people not likin’ him,” Daryl mumbled.

Rick sighed loudly. “Some people might get used to it. That kid…” He pointed in at Julian as if Daryl didn’t know who he was talking about. “He doesn’t get used to it. He’s an optimist through and through. He’s always hopin’ he can change the minds of the people who don’t like him. And he’s always hopin’ the next person will like him.”

“He ain’t your kid, Rick,” Daryl muttered.

Rick straightened, his voice remaining relatively quiet but with a serious edge to his tone. “What?”

“You’re actin’ like he’s your kid. He ain’t your kid,” Daryl said, not making eye contact. In fact, he was gazing far in the distance between the buildings, just to keep himself from looking toward Julian.

Rick stepped a bit closer, the way he liked to do when he needed to increase his intimidation factor. It just barely didn’t work on Daryl.

“I first met Julian when he was three years old, ‘cause his mom was too high to notice he’d left the house. Took two days to track him down in a patch of woods. Me and Shane found him. His skin was sunburnt and scratched all over. He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink. And I, still, don’t think he’d cried once that whole time. He laughed like it had all been one big adventure. Shane made stupid faces and the kid loved it.”

Rick paused, maybe at a good memory of a friend who had met a bad end.

“I kept an eye on him, from then on. I mean, that kinda thing sticks with ya; savin’ a kid’s life only for him to be given right back to the people who put him in that situation in the first place. See, his dad had money and could bribe his way outta the consequences that woulda saved Julian,” Rick continued. “I was watchin’ when his dad decided to beat him, and I was watchin’ when he was given to foster home after foster home where he was starved and beaten. I hated it. Never felt so useless, ‘til I woke up and everyone was gone or dead and still walkin’ ‘round. I did what I could for Julian without crossin’ any lines, but I woulda taken Julian in if Lori let me. So, you’re right, Daryl. He ain’t my kid. But if I had my way, he woulda been.”

“He ain’t a kid,” Daryl said.

“Depends on how you look at it – he’s still young. Think he’s around 24 at this point. Could be 44 for all I care; doesn’t change how I see him. Your kids are always your kids.” Rick looked toward the RV where Carl and Judith were sleeping.

Daryl clenched his jaw to keep himself from once again reminding Rick that Julian was not related to him. He wasn’t sure why he was so fixated on it. Probably because of his attraction toward Julian. Not only did he not like to think of him as a kid, but he didn’t want to think of what Rick would do if he knew about the thoughts Daryl was having.

“Ya never talked ‘bout him,” Daryl muttered.

“Other things were goin’ on,” Rick admitted. “I didn’t have much time to think ‘bout him. And when I did… I really didn’t think he’d survived… Never knew him to be a fighter.”

There were shuffling footsteps down the alley. Daryl sighed and picked up his crossbow. “Ya ever see him freak out, like yesterday?”

Rick shook his head as a walker ambled into view. Daryl easily shot it with his crossbow, seemingly without really taking aim. “No, that was new to me,” Rick answered, following behind Daryl as he walked over to grab his bolt.

“Makes him a risk,” Daryl said.

“It don’t matter. He's staying,” Rick declared as they turned and walked back. “I’m gonna go look in on Aaron.”

“Him and that Eric guy… they together?” Daryl wondered.

“Think so,” Rick said.

“Don’t that bother ya?” Daryl asked, carefully not looking at Rick or Julian or anyone, eyes once again searching the distance.

“Not really. Should it?” Rick asked. “Does it bother you?”

Daryl couldn’t bring himself to do anything more than shrug. Rick sighed, but didn’t say anything, walking away from Daryl toward the building where Aaron and Eric were sleeping.

When Rick was no longer standing so close to him, Daryl looked back at Julian. Daryl had never seen anyone look so tense while sleeping. His face was strained, and he twitched every few seconds.

The longer Daryl watched him, the more it looked like Julian was in agony…

Daryl couldn’t stand it any longer.

He stood, leaving his crossbow behind. He walked through his sleeping companions until he was kneeling beside Julian. So close, Daryl heard the soft whimpers falling from Julian’s lips. And he could see that Julian's eyelashes were wet. He realized Julian was probably having a nightmare. An intense, terrible nightmare, judging by the terrified look on his face.

Daryl placed his hand on Julian’s shoulder and shook him to wake him up. Julian woke with a furious snarl Daryl had not expected after the pathetic whimpers. Instantly, Julian’s hand was around Daryl’s neck, squeezing tightly and forcing him backward. He was too surprised to stop it. That’s how he found himself lying on his back with Julian straddling and choking him.

Daryl gripped Julian’s arm tightly. Julian’s eyes were unfocused, and his pulse was rapid. Struggling to breathe, Daryl was considering punching him when Julian’s eyes fell to his face. With a soft gasp, Julian let go of his neck.

“I-I’m sorry,” Julian whispered. He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Daryl’s rapidly rising and falling chest. “I’m sorry.”

Daryl didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to push Julian off. Another part of him wanted to comfort Julian, maybe rub his back or hold him tightly. The worst part of Daryl wanted to roll over and have his way with Julian, even as he felt him trembling with fear left over from his nightmare.

Julian suddenly pushed himself onto his feet. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled again.

Daryl sat up, watching as Julian rushed out. He gracelessly moved through the sleeping bodies without really glancing down at them. Daryl stood up and slowly followed.

“What was that nightmare ‘bout?” Daryl asked quietly. 

Julian looked at Daryl with something close to anger for the first time. He narrowed his eyes on Daryl and crossed his arms. “Nothing. I don’t remember.”

Daryl didn’t believe him. And he didn’t try to hide that he didn’t believe him. He knew it was showing on his face.

“Looked bad,” Daryl mumbled.

“I don’t remember,” Julian hissed.

“Yeah, ya do.”

“I don’t!”

“Shh.” Daryl stepped closer. “You an idiot?”

“I’m sorry,” Julian whispered.

Rick came rushing out, having heard Julian. “What’s goin’ on?” he asked as he reached the pair.

“Nothing,” Julian said quickly.

“He had a nightmare,” Daryl informed Rick.

“Oh, would you shut up?” Julian snapped. “He doesn’t need to know that.”

Daryl had the intense urge to tell Rick the only other thing he knew Julian was hiding from him – his abusive ex. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying anything.

“Julian,” Rick sighed. “What aren’t you tellin’ me?”

“A lot,” Julian replied. “You really want me to walk through everything that’s happened since you got shot? That was the worst day of my life, by the way. So, don’t do that shit again.”

“That’s not what your nightmare was about, right?” Rick asked.

“Of course not. The world doesn’t revolve around you, Rick Grimes.” Julian reached up and pulled his hairband out of his hair and put it on his wrist. “I have nightmares, so what? Everyone has ‘em, right?” There was something slightly desperate in the way Julian asked it.

“Everyone has ‘em,” Rick agreed.

Julian smiled but it looked broken and forced and Daryl hated it the most of all the smiles he’d seen on Julian’s face. “See. Then there’s no problem,” Julian said.

“Then there’s no problem,” Rick repeated, glancing at Daryl. “Except, you’ve bit through your lip.”

It was only a slight exaggeration. Julian touched his bottom lip and flinched. He was so engrossed in his fear, he hadn’t even tasted the blood.

“So?” he said weakly.

“You chew on your lip when you’re scared.”

Julian covered his mouth. “I’m fine.”

Rick sighed. “Alright, you’re fine… Think you can get back to sleep?”

Julian shrugged. “Maybe.”

“You should try.” Rick put his hand on Julian’s shoulder and squeezed lightly.

“Yeah.” Julian nodded. He combed his fingers through his hair. “I’ll try.”

Daryl looked at Rick with a scowl. Rick very slightly shook his head at Daryl while guiding Julian back toward where Gianna was sleeping with the hand on his shoulder. 

Daryl decided Julian Kline was more trouble than he was worth. He, also, knew he’d give just about any-damn-thing to know what that nightmare had been about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom. All Daryl, all day.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang continues on their way to Alexandria.

Julian was afraid to fall asleep in the RV as they continued driving toward Aaron’s community – Alexandria, he’d said, once he trusted them enough and, apparently, all it took to get Aaron’s trust was saving his boyfriend.

“You seem tired,” Gianna said. He was standing just a few steps away from the bedroom where Noah and Aaron were discussing Noah’s limp. Gianna sat toward the front of the RV near Carol and Sasha, so she was speaking loudly for him to hear her.

“I am,” Julian said.

It had taken hours to fall asleep again after his nightmare and the following conversation with Daryl and Rick. And once he had fallen asleep, it felt like he had only closed his eyes for a couple minutes before Rick was waking them all up. He knew he had really gotten a couple hours of sleep. If he combined that with the sleep he got before that damn nightmare, he had gotten at least five hours of sleep. But it felt like a lot less.

He wouldn’t allow himself to sleep on the RV because too many people were too close. What if he had another nightmare? What if he talked in his sleep?

Gianna looked so unabashedly concerned, that the small group setting up to play cards paused and looked back at Julian to see what he looked like in return.

He just looked tired.

Gianna pushed herself up from her seat and carefully walked back to stand next to Julian. Noah passed them. Gianna smiled at him. Then, she looked at Julian.

"Nightmares?” Gianna asked very quietly.

“I’m fine,” Julian said.

“Oh good, but I asked a yes or no question.”

“Yes.”

Gianna sighed and crossed her arms. She gazed at his face while softly biting her lip. She never broke the skin the way Julian did.

“I don’t know how to help you,” she said hopelessly a few moments later. Julian wondered how many of the others heard her.

“I’m fine,” Julian repeated.

“Maybe… maybe it’ll be better when we get to Alexandria and we feel safe,” Gianna muttered.

_Only a fool would feel safe in this world_ , Julian thought. But he just said, “Maybe.”

Gianna looked at him for an awkward amount of time before slowly walking back to her seat. Julian sighed softly. He turned around and looked in on Aaron. Aaron’s eyes were focused so intently on Eric that Julian just stood there for a moment and grinned at the two. The love between them was just so evident. It was heartwarming. It was special. It was nearly as palpable as the love between Maggie and Glenn.

It was nice, to see so many happy couples. He hadn’t known love could survive anymore. He hadn’t known love could be found anymore.

“Is… everything alright?” Aaron asked, capping a water bottle.

“Yeah.” Julian chuckled. “I’ve just never seen so many people _so_ in love.”

Aaron smiled and reached over to take Eric’s hand in his.

Not much later, the RV stalled out. Everyone but Eric and Aaron piled out to wait in the road as Abraham and Glenn looked over the RV, trying to decide if the group was stranded.

Julian couldn’t help but keep glancing toward Daryl as they waited. He had avoided him in the RV by staying in the back, even if that meant he was standing the whole time, continually rocking back and forth while gripping the counter behind him to keep balanced when they crossed over a particularly broken up stretch of road. Out in the open, it was as if his eyes were continually drawn back to the scruffy man.

He tried to keep himself from watching Daryl, he did. He watched as Glenn and Abraham hoisted the spare battery out of its hiding place once Glenn determined that’s all the RV needed to get moving once more and he looked over as Rick and Michonne talked a moment before Rick walked away.

Still, Daryl caught Julian looking at him at least six times in an embarrassingly short amount of time. Scoffing quietly to himself, Julian turned his back to Daryl, so his eyes would no longer be able to wander toward him. In doing so, his eyes fell on Carl holding his baby sister.

Julian frowned a little. He didn’t think Carl liked him much. After Carl brought up the training Rick provided Julian with, so he would be able to defend himself, Julian struggled to look at him. Yes, he had handled it easily at the time, but Carl’s words cut deep, even if the kid had not intended for them to be so troubling.

It was just that Julian already felt pathetic for all the years he did nothing while knowing he could do something. But it wasn’t that simple, and it wasn’t that easy. He had been completely dependent on a lot of the people who hurt him. And he had been beaten down mentally. He still felt that, sometimes; like he was supposed to be under someone’s boot. Like he was the mistake he had always been told he was and if someone needed to punch him a few times a day to feel better about being stuck with him, who was he to argue?

Julian swallowed and turned away from Carl.

_It’s over_ , Julian told himself. _All in the past. I’m a new person, it’s a new world. It’s over_.

“Is Julian okay?” Tara asked Gianna, probably thinking Julian couldn’t hear her. He was standing a bit apart from them in his attempt to not stare at Daryl.

But, when he turned to look at Gianna, he noticed Daryl and his eyes betrayed him, sweeping over the body he still remembered pressing against him like Daryl just couldn’t get close enough.

He seemed particularly interested in hearing Gianna’s answer.

“Julian’s always okay,” Gianna said, and Julian wondered if her answer would have been any different, had he not been near enough to hear her. “He’s just one of those people. He can be having the worst day one second and the next, he’s filled with joy for no reason. It’s really quite adorable.”

“I’m not adorable,” Julian grumbled, alerting everyone to his clear knowledge of their conversation.

“You _are_ adorable, and you know it,” Gianna replied smugly.

“I’d be more likely to call him beautiful,” Tara said, her arms crossed, and head tilted as she studied him. “I mean, it’s not like you’re girly, but I definitely wouldn’t call you handsome.”

“Pretty,” Rosita said. She was studying him too. “I think he’s pretty.”

“You’ve got good eyes,” Glenn said, grinning and clearly enjoying the conversation if only because it was making Julian uncomfortable in the best kind of way – it was the uncomfortableness that was only brought about by one compliment too many.

“You’ve got great eyes,” Tara corrected.

Julian flinched. Gianna was suddenly standing straight as a board, her eyes wide and focused unseeingly on Julian. The others didn’t miss the shift in them. It was like a cloud had settled over the group.

Julian walked over and wrapped his arm around Gianna’s shoulders. He gave her a gentle squeeze and when she looked over and saw the big grin on his face, she relaxed against his side.

“All I’ve got to say is pretty is better than adorable,” Julian said, making Gianna roll her eyes with a soft laugh.

“Beautiful,” Tara protested.

“That is also acceptable,” Julian laughed.

He knew Daryl was staring at him – into his eyes. He tried to ignore it and the shiver that went up his spine when their eyes locked momentarily before Julian looked away.

There was just something about Daryl that Julian desperately wanted now that he knew it was an option. Hell, he may have started feeling this way even before he knew Daryl wasn’t straight. Julian reached up and touched the hairband holding his hair up off his neck. The butterflies in his stomach were born back when Daryl gave him his vest to use as a pillow in the barn. The kiss increased the number of those butterflies tenfold and the hairband – Daryl actually caring enough to ask even just one person instead of ignoring what Julian had said – solidified the crush. Maybe, if Daryl had ignored Julian’s want for a hairband like Glenn had… Maybe, if Daryl hadn’t given enough damns to wake him in the middle of his nightmare, they could just have no strings attached sex once they had a chance to get that far.

No strings attached sex with someone he had a crush on was going to be much more difficult. But, that didn’t mean he was going to turn Daryl away when – _if_ , he corrected himself – Daryl came to him again. He was far too attracted to Daryl for that.

He barely even noticed when Rick returned a few moments after Glenn finished changing out the battery of the RV. The group returned themselves to their vehicle of choice and they were off once more.

Julian didn’t say anything when the RV stopped. He hung back as the others started getting off the RV – apparently, they were at Alexandria.

Julian’s heart was beating hard. This was a big deal. This was another community. This was close to the community he had worked tirelessly for a month to escape.

He pressed himself against the counter and chewed on his bottom lip. This hadn’t been a part of the plan. In fact, this laughed in the face of the plan. But… it was what Gianna had wanted. And he liked these people. He liked Maggie and Glenn the most. Aaron was winning him over quickly and Carol may have scared the shit out of him, but he still felt some comfort around her, like she would murder a whole slew of people before she let harm come upon any of them. He had formed a bond with Tara based solely on teasing each other and Rosita seemed to respect him, which was new. There was something about each of them that he would miss, if he walked away now.

And that didn’t even account for Daryl, let alone Rick. Julian had missed Rick so much, thinking the man dead. Now, it was like they were finally a family, and leaving that, after wishing for it for so many years, felt impossible. Even if it would have been the smart thing to do.

Had it really been less than a week since he found Rick and these people on some random road?

How extraordinary, that they should meet again. And how special, to be surrounded by such incredible people.

Taking a deep breath, Julian exited the RV.

The walls surrounding Alexandria were tall and metal and they looked sturdy. Far sturdier than Julian had expected. And, more pressing, there were children laughing on the other side.

_Laughing_.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like, within the next couple of chapters, the pace picks back up, so if you feel like the story has been moving slowly, which I totally understand, I hope you enjoy the next few chapters more.
> 
> I'm thinking of starting a second part to this, that explores what Julian would do when the Wolves attack and the walkers overrun Alexandria. But, do you guys remember how Daryl continually leaves Alexandria? Because, I certainly didn't when I started writing this. I'm just worried there would be too little Julian and Daryl together if I started a second part. So, any opinions are welcome. I can tell you, Julian would be badass during that walker invasion. He'd probably be less badass against the Wolves. People scare him much more than walkers and he hasn't had to fight people in a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive.

****

#### Episode 05x12 

#### 

The gate squeaked as it opened. Aaron led the way, supporting Eric. Julian covered his mouth with his hand as he yawned, glancing at Gianna standing beside him. She looked excited, like none of the wariness that weighed him down was capable of reaching her.

He chewed on his lip. It was never going to heal at this rate.

They didn’t walk inside, slowly coming together just outside the gate. Julian glanced at Daryl, just to see if he could tell what the shaggy-haired man was thinking, but Daryl rarely expressed his emotions in an easy to read way. The most Julian could tell, Daryl was nervous, but they were all nervous.

They’d have to be crazy not to be.

Julian glanced at Rick. It did nothing to make him feel better – Rick may not be nervous, it was hard to tell. But Rick was definitely in shock. Julian watched him and, for the first time, wondered what the group had been through. All he had known for sure was that it had to have been horrible. He hadn’t dared to comment on Deputy Shane Walsh’s absence. He had only briefly wondered where Rick’s wife was. He hadn’t asked what happened to Maggie’s sister or Sasha’s brother. Julian had just let it be terrible and unknown.

Now, he wanted to know just why they were so wary of strangers. He knew why he was afraid of every new person he came across. Was what they had experienced worse?

God, he hoped it wasn’t worse. He hoped it wasn’t even half as bad, because even half as bad would be awful.

If there was any doubt as to whether or not the group was nervous, when there was a clatter and squeak to their left, everyone jumped. When an opossum scurried out, Daryl shot it with his crossbow. Julian watched him pick it up, then looked back at the open gate to see a man standing there, looking at Daryl with… disgust? Uneasiness? It was difficult to tell, but Julian did not like it.

Julian laughed, and was the only one who laughed, when Daryl said, “We brought dinner.”

Gianna gripping Julian’s arm took his attention away from Daryl, the stranger, and Aaron. He looked over at her – she was still smiling, but it was a nervous smile. She probably didn’t know what else to do with her face at the moment.

“We’re okay,” he whispered to her.

She just nodded.

They walked into the community known as Alexandria slowly at the back of the group. He tried not to notice the bruising grip Gianna had on him. It was rather easy, though, as he stared at the large houses. Houses that weren’t falling apart. Houses people were currently, happily living in. It was so surreal after months of sleeping in homes that were falling apart without anyone to care.

The sound of the gate closing behind them caused most of them to turn around and watch as their only exit was taken away. Julian swallowed nervously and looked to Rick for direction. Rick didn’t seem bothered. He didn’t even look over his shoulder at the closed gate. He was looking into Alexandria, not out of it.

The demand to hand over their weapons struck Julian the wrong way. He understood where these people were coming from, he did, but he did not want to walk into unknown territory surrounded by strangers without a weapon or an escape. Watching Rick handle the situation, the way each word sounded like a threat while he didn’t obviously threaten anyone, felt oddly familiar.

Julian remembered that tone. He remembered the veiled threats Rick would hiss at his foster parents. It didn’t always work… It rarely worked because they weren’t afraid of anything anymore, after getting away with it for so long before Julian ever showed up. But it always made his chest feel warm when Rick would stick up for him so brazenly – it may not have been an outspoken threat, but not even an idiot could miss the warning.

Julian was constantly reminded that, before this whole thing started with the dead walking, Rick was the only person in the world who gave a damn about him.

He was so lucky to have found Rick again. As Rick walked away to talk with someone named Deanna, Julian stared at his back.

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the way the universe made up for what he’d gone through.

“Do you think it’s safe?” Gianna whispered, eyes scanning everything of Alexandria she could see from where they currently stood.

Julian shrugged. He wasn’t going to tell her what he was really thinking – no, not at all. But he wasn’t going to have her let her guard down by lying and telling her they were safe within the walls. They weren’t. They never would be. Only fools thought themselves safe. They could be safer than before, but never safe enough to relax completely.

_There’s always a chance_ , a voice whispered in the back of Julian’s mind. _Always a chance_.

“I’m gonna… go talk to Noah,” Gianna muttered, clearly wanting reassurance from someone and thinking she might be able to get it from Noah.

Julian bit his lip as Gianna walked away. He couldn’t help it. This was a new community filled with new people. Even if some were good, like Aaron, every community had the bad ones and he was scared. How many bad people did this place have? And could Julian really protect Gianna, and himself, from them?

Experience had told him, no. He could protect them from walkers. He was good at that, but those were mindless enemies. People were harder to defeat. Against a living human, Julian thought himself helpless.

He felt fingertips brush against his wrist. He looked over to find Daryl standing next to him but not looking at him. Anyone who looked over would not think Daryl had just initiated contact with Julian. Hell, no one would think Daryl was even aware of him.

“You’re scared,” Daryl said, barely loud enough for Julian to hear.

His eyes scanned the others. None were paying attention. They didn’t know what Daryl had just whispered. They didn’t even seem to know Daryl had moved toward Julian. They were breaking into their own groups; having their own hushed conversations. Except for Carl. The kid stared after his dad while gently bouncing Judith in his arms.

Julian turned like he was studying the gate behind them, so when he spoke, no one could see his lips move. “I’m not.”

“Rick said ya bite your lip when you’re scared,” Daryl mumbled.

“Well, forget you heard that,” Julian huffed, narrowing his eyes.

“Don’t ruin your lips,” Daryl grumbled. “I like ‘em.”

“Screw off, Dixon,” Julian scoffed. 

“You’re cute when you’re angry,” Daryl said.

“Is that why you’re trying to piss me off?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“It’s harder to be scared if you’re angry.”

Julian gave up any pretense of pretending to not be talking to Daryl. He looked over at Daryl with a frown. “You confuse the shit outta me.”

Daryl smirked the smallest of smirks. He then walked away.

Julian shook his head in frustration, turning to actually study the fence. From this side, it didn’t seem any less secure. That didn’t mean it couldn’t fall apart – it would, after a certain amount of time. That’s just what time did to things.

The next time they saw Rick, it was while they were handing over their weapons. Julian really didn’t want to. He gripped his bow tightly, watching Carol struggle to take a gun off her shoulder that he knew she was good with.

The woman collecting the weapons, Olivia, if Julian remembered right, looked at him.

“You can keep you’re bow,” Deanna said. She spoke in a gentle, yet matter-of-fact way. It felt like he could trust what she said, but he refused to lean into that feeling. He didn’t know her well enough to trust her, yet. “But we need the arrows.”

Julian bit his lip, staring down at his bow in his hands.

“Jules,” Gianna said.

Julian swallowed and looked at her.

“Julian,” Rick said, firmly.

Julian took the quiver of arrows off his shoulder and carefully laid it on top of all the guns.

“Knives, too?” he asked meekly.

Deanna eyed him curiously. “How many knives do you have?”

Julian thought of the weight on his back from his bag of knives. “Um… about two dozen.”

Deanna’s eyebrows rose. She smiled. “How about we keep it to a reasonable number, then?”

“Two dozen is perfectly reasonable,” Julian replied.

“You may keep five,” Deanna said, like it was a gift and some great comfort.

It took Julian a couple of minutes to get all his knives laid out but his favorites, which just so happened to be his biggest. He sulked back to his spot in the group, still biting his lip.

Maybe because of his reaction to giving up his weapons, Deanna wanted to interview him almost right away. He was led away from the group, leaving Gianna with a comforting smile he hoped didn’t look as fake as it was. He hated this. He hated leaving her and following a stranger without any clue of where he was going or what was going to happen. His stomach was twisting into knots and a part of him hoped Rick would step in and stop this.

“Do you mind if I record this?” Deanna asked as Julian looked around the room she had led him to.

It looked so normal. Or the old version of normal. It was startling. Like he had just been transported back in time.

Deanna pressed a button on a camera set up behind a loveseat. Rick had explained what Alexandria was supposed to be while telling them why he was willing to give it a try and stay. Sustainable with solar panels and an architect who was able to piece together the walls outside. Still, Deanna explained it all to him again. He didn’t say anything, still looking around.

“They called you Julian, right?” Deanna began.

Julian nodded. “Yeah. Julian Kline, if that matters.”

“Would you mind sitting?” Deanna pointed to the chair set directly in front of the camera and loveseat.

“Couldn’t have done this after I cleaned up some?” Julian asked as he sat down. “I look awful.”

Deanna smiled. “I only have a few questions for you. Then you can go shower.”

Julian sat straighter. “Shower?”

Deanna nodded. “We have running water here.”

“Hot running water?”

“It can be.”

Julian didn’t know what to say. That seemed like a dream. He didn’t think he’d really believe it until he was standing under hot water, washing the grime from his skin.

“Aaron told me you just recently joined up with Rick and his people,” Deanna said, clearly seeking confirmation.

“Yeah.”

“But you somehow knew Rick from before?”

“Yeah.”

Deanna took a seat on the couch in front of Julian and crossed her legs. “Rick told me he didn’t know anyone from before.”

“Well, first thing’s first: Rick’s not a great conversationalist. But he was probably just talking broadly,” Julian said, allowing himself to sink back in the chair. “I’m the only one he knew from before, besides his kid. We just met up, which, I know, sounds crazy. We start out in some random town in Georgia and go our separate ways at completely different times and somehow, find each other so far away from where we started. I don’t know if it is luck or coincidence, but… I’m just thankful for it. See, Rick was all I… I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”

Deanna looked like she had been lost in thought. She shook her head slightly. It made Julian uncomfortable that her eyes seemed to have been locked on his lips. “Of course not.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I’ve been told I talk too much. And, I don’t really have to be told. This is one of those things I know about myself.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Yeah, but you have questions, right? That’s the point of this. I don’t need to waste your time rambling. There are much more interesting people for you to question, after all. Like, Daryl. If you figure that guy out, let me know, okay?”

Deanna chuckled in a way that seemed controlled. It wasn’t fake, but guarded, maybe?

“What were you before, Julian?” Deanna asked calmly.

Julian began tapping his foot. “An E.M.T.”

That peaked Deanna’s interest. She leaned forward slightly. “So, you know first aid?”

“I know a little more than that – give us E.M.T.’s some credit. We weren’t just doing first aid. And, I also, know a few more complicated procedures thanks to the doctors from my other groups,” Julian explained. “I can basically remove an appendix or a limb. Though, the limb thing’s messy. Never had to remove one that wasn’t bit and then you’re just kind of hacking away and hoping it can be fixed after.”

“Still, that’s very useful,” Deanna commented.

Julian just shrugged.

“So, you’ve been a part of other communities?” Deanna asked.

Julian slowly nodded. “Two other groups. The first one was wiped out – me and Gianna are the only ones left. The second one… well, we left them.”

Deanna studied him for a long moment. He swallowed and shifted under her gaze. Could she see all the years of abuse? Some people could, like they were able to see something in him that everyone else missed. Something he just couldn’t hide.

“And Gianna… she’s the teenage girl, yes?” Deanna asked.

Julian nodded.

“What is your relationship with her?”

Julian hated that question. He thought it should be obvious. He thought it said a lot about the world they found themselves in that people felt the need to ask about their relationship.

“She’s like a sister to me,” Julian said. “And, if that’s not enough for you, I’m gay.”

Deanna nodded. It looked like she was taking note of something in her head. It made Julian incredibly uncomfortable. Deanna herself made him uncomfortable. She didn’t seem like a threat. In fact, she seemed nice. But she also seemed like she was getting more information than he wanted to give just by looking at him.

“How did you know Rick, before?” Deanna wondered, as if it was a second thought.

“Um, he was like… a father figure for me, I guess. Don’t know why he cared enough to be that, but he did, so he tried, and it meant a lot,” Julian answered, crossing his arms.

“What about your own parents?”

Julian shifted so he was just barely perched on the chair. “They weren’t fit to be parents. Is that all? Can I go?”

Deanna sighed, perhaps sensing he was reaching his limit with this and needed a break. She nodded. “Yes, I believe that will be enough for now.”

Julian quickly stood.

“You’ll work in the infirmary with Pete and Denise, Julian,” Deanna said before he could take a step. “It’s part of being in this place. We all work together. And anyone with any knowledge of medicine is sorely needed.”

Julian reached up and tangled his fingers in his hair. “What’ll I be doin’?”

“Whatever they need from you,” Deanna said good-heartedly. “Pete’s a surgeon and he runs the infirmary. He’s done some amazing things. We’re lucky to have him. And Denise was a psychiatrist, but she has some knowledge beyond that. They’re great people. You’ll like them.”

Julian nodded slowly. “Okay.”

He looked at Deanna a moment longer before moving quickly toward the exit.

“One more thing,” Deanna said as he walked away. He slowly turned to face her. “What happened to your lip?”

Julian couldn’t help but smile. He had been worried Deanna would drop some bomb on him or threaten him in some way. He had thought she was looking at his lips out of lust. He was relieved that she was only curious about his slightly swollen bottom lip. He wondered if there was any bit of blood on his lips she could see, because he would have thought his lip wasn’t nearly swollen enough for a complete stranger to notice it wasn’t right.

“I bit it,” he said, reaching up and brushing his fingers over his bottom lip.

Deanna stood and reached over to the camera. It beeped as she either ended the recording process or turned it off. Julian couldn’t see which from where he stood across the room.

“You’re a very attractive young man,” Deanna said. “If anyone is taking advantage of you-”

Julian laughed loudly. Of course, his mind went right to Daryl, but there was no one being taken advantage of there.

“I’ve certainly been taken advantage of, Ma’am, but not by anyone in this group.” Julian had almost stepped outside the room before he looked back one more time, smiling at her and earning a genuine, unguarded smile from her. “Thanks for caring, though.”

Deanna nodded. Was there a flicker of guilt in her eyes? Julian wondered what that might mean as he walked away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian gets that shower he's been longing for and is flustered by the sleeping arrangements.

The next time Julian saw Rick, he looked like the deputy Julian used to know. Julian was being led to the group by Aaron and he hadn’t realized what that meant until he was standing in front of a house with a clean-shaven Rick on the porch holding Judith. Carl and Carol were walking away from the house (Julian offered them a half-hearted smile) and Daryl was… gutting the opossum he’d killed earlier.

“Were you like this in the old world or is it new?” Julian asked as he walked up the stairs onto the porch, carefully avoiding the blood leaking from the body of the opossum.

Daryl grunted. It sounded like he might be amused.

“What’d Deanna want with you?” Rick asked, a protective edge to his voice that made Julian smile.

“She just asked some questions.” Julian made a face at Judith when he realized she was staring at him. She giggled. “It was harmless.”

Julian wasn’t sure Rick believed him, but Rick didn’t push it. He just nodded before walking inside the house.

“We have a house now?” Julian asked, looking over at Daryl.

Daryl shrugged.

“Real helpful,” Julian sighed before walking inside.

He got to take his first shower in a very long time. He had to wait until Rosita was finished and she walked out wrapped in a towel while brushing her hair, a look of utter relief on her face.

“Hey, Julian,” she greeted with a big smile. “I made sure to save you hot water – you’re the last one showering over here. Unless someone can convince Daryl to clean up.”

Julian chuckled as he took his shirt off. “That’s a lost cause.”

Rosita laughed on her way down the hall. Julian shook his head, stepped into the bathroom, and closed the door. The shower was amazing. He just stood there for a good ten minutes before getting himself into gear in order to wash himself until it felt like the top layer of his skin had been rubbed off.

Daryl stared at him, the next time the two were in the same room. Julian tried not to notice, pushing his now dried and shining hair out of his eyes. Julian’s gaze lingered for a moment on the hairband around his wrist as his hand fell back to his lap.

Apparently, while Julian wasn’t paying attention, it had been decided that, although they had been given two houses right next to each other, they would be sleeping in one house. In one room.

Julian wasn’t sure that was necessary. He got a good feeling from Deanna and he genuinely liked Aaron. When he had first walked into the community, he had worried they were going to somehow hurt the group. But, at this point, he was pretty sure there was little to no danger to worry about from the actual people. There were still dangers and, from what he had seen as he walked through the community at Aaron’s side on his way to the houses, these people were not prepared for those dangers. From what he had heard from Deanna and Rick, the people of Alexandria had been behind the walls from the beginning. They had no clue what the world was like outside Alexandria. They had no clue what people were willing to do and what it was to fight the dead every day.

Julian looked around the living room as they were discussing the sleeping arrangements for the night.

_No, no, no_ , he thought, eyes jumping from one thing to the next. _If I have a nightmare… if I talk in my sleep… No, no, no._

He told himself not to worry about it – maybe he could convince Rick to let him sleep upstairs. It was a big house, after all. He tried to get himself to stop thinking about it and spent the rest of the evening sitting with Gianna, chatting with whoever came near them, and trying his hardest not to look at Daryl, who still hadn’t bothered to take a shower like everyone else. Hell, Michonne spent twenty minutes just brushing her teeth.

Still, Julian found it difficult to think of anything other than the sleeping arrangements. He didn’t even hear the conversation Rick had with a visiting Deanna as he stared at the people around him. This was no good. Sometimes, the nightmares were a one-off. He’d have one and then sleep peacefully for a couple weeks before the next one struck. But sometimes, he had a whole slew of them over a series of days, wearing him down until he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep that never lasted less than ten hours.

Gianna hated those nights. Julian, apparently, usually twisted and turned in his sleep. He mumbled things and, one time, even had a whole conversation of barely coherent nonsense that left Gianna laughing for days. But, when he fell into that dreamless sleep, he was utterly still. She would sit by his side, watching his chest rise and fall to make sure he was still alive, it so unnerved her to see him sleeping still and silent.

He looked over at her. She was already asleep. No one could fall asleep quicker.

He waited nearly an hour, wide awake and not even trying to sleep, until he thought everyone was asleep, then he got up and slowly crept out of the room. He stood outside in the hallway, looking in at all the people lying this way and that in the living room.

_These are good people_ , he thought.

He walked away, unsure of where to go, but knowing he couldn’t sleep in the room with all those people. If anything, he would disturb them, if what Gianna said about his sleeping habits were true.

Julian left the house through the backdoor, since it was further from the living room where everyone was sleeping, and he hoped they wouldn’t hear the door open. Once outside, he just walked around the house and stepped up onto the porch. He had gotten quite used to sleeping outside. Even the night in the barn had made him feel like the world was closing in.

“What’re you doin’?”

Julian looked over his shoulder at the opened front door. Rick was stepping out.

“What are you doing?” Julian asked in response.

Rick held up a kitchen knife.

“Oh,” Julian chuckled.

“Now you answer me.”

“I’m just not tired.”

“Yes, you are.”

Julian sighed.

“This ‘bout the nightmare you had yesterday?” Rick asked.

“I mean, kinda?” Julian looked at him with a weak but real smile. “It’s more than just one thing. I don’t like sleepin’ inside anymore, I’ve never slept in the same room as so many people, and yeah, I may have a nightmare tonight. Which, I could deal with if I wasn’t in a room full of people that can hear me scream and sob when it gets too bad, because I never wake up before it gets too bad…”

Daryl woke him up. Just before it got too bad, the night before. After he got over the fear and shock and embarrassment, he had been so thankful. He wondered if it was a coincidence, or if Daryl had just recognized something in him; if Daryl knew he needed help.

“I’m just going to sleep out here,” Julian mumbled.

“Ain’t safe out here,” Daryl said in the doorway. Julian flinched at his voice as if his thoughts had summoned Daryl.

“Then stay out here and protect me,” Julian said before he could think about it. Thankfully, it had come out of his mouth more sarcastically than genuine, though it had been a bit of both.

Daryl grunted and walked out of the house, his crossbow in his hands. Julian glared at it. Daryl had been allowed to keep his arrows. Granted, there were like three of them where Julian had over a dozen, but it still didn’t seem fair.

“I got ‘im,” Daryl told Rick.

Rick watched Daryl sit on the top step. He seemed to be considering whether or not he wanted the conversation to end here for the night. Then, with a sigh, he nodded.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” he warned Julian.

“Mkay,” Julian replied, already planning on avoiding Rick during the next day.

Rick walked back into the house, silently closing the door behind him. Daryl looked back at Julian.

“What’re the nightmares of?” Daryl wondered.

“Clowns,” Julian answered numbly. He stretched out on his side, using his hands as a pillow. “If I start mumblin’ or something, ignore it.”

Daryl snorted – it could have been an affirmative noise or a mocking noise. Julian couldn’t tell. He wondered if, after more time around Daryl, he would come to understand the grunts and sounds he made in place of words the way Rick seemed to.

Julian closed his eyes, breathing deeply, loving the fresh air and the feeling of being back outside. Though, it was nice to have the porch roof overhead – if it rained, he wouldn’t wake soaked to the bone, a comfort nature rarely provided.

Something hit his chest. Julian quickly opened his eyes and looked down to see Daryl’s vest lying in front of him. He gave a big smile, taking the vest and folding it into a pillow.

“Thanks,” he said softly.

Daryl grunted. Julian chuckled and put the vest under his head.

“Do you want an update on how I feel about you?” Julian asked a moment before a big yawn struck him.

Daryl shrugged.

“You still scare me,” Julian admitted after finishing his squeaky yawn. “And you still confuse me.”

“Nothin’ changed,” Daryl said.

“I’m also much more attracted to you, if that helps,” Julian added. Maybe it wasn’t quite the truth. Maybe he had been attracted to Daryl from the beginning and was just slowly letting himself feel the full force of that attraction as he got more comfortable around Daryl and the others.

Daryl’s eyes instantly fell to Julian’s lips. “Can I kiss ya?”

Julian laughed. “No.”

Daryl scoffed. “Then shut up and sleep.”

Julian laid on his back and closed his eyes, feeling safer than normal with Daryl perched near him, protecting him. “Okay,” he mumbled, already slipping into the early stages of sleep. He had been rather exhausted all day.

He slept through the night without remembering a single dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started part two. I don't know what I'm thinking. 
> 
> I, also, have a Rick/OMC story in the works. I got the idea while working on this one and thought "why not?" Who knows if I'll ever finish it. But, it is a chapter long, so far. Haha.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The process of getting used to Alexandria is a slow one.

No one questioned why Julian was sleeping outside the next morning. Gianna gave him a worried look, but he didn’t acknowledge it.

Everyone went out to explore – Gianna left with Noah and Julian was getting the feeling that she liked being near the tall teen. It made him both happy and uncomfortable. It was good for her to have friends around her own age, but he still couldn’t quell the protective side of him that wanted to ask Noah what exactly his intentions with Gianna were. He stood in the living room watching Gianna and Noah disperse with the rest of the group. He swallowed and looked down at his feet, knowing he should go see what Alexandria offered too. He wanted to introduce himself to Denise and Pete, the people he’d be working side by side with. He wanted to meet the neighbors and feel like he was part of this community.

Rick followed Carl, who was pushing Judith in a stroller Julian didn’t know they had, or where Carl found it. That was what he had been waiting for – Rick to walk away. Avoiding Rick wasn’t as easy as he had hoped; it wasn’t as easy as it had been when he was a kid and didn’t have to see Rick every day. But now, it was like everyone revolved around Rick. He was their leader, after all.

Julian was surprised when he stepped outside and found Daryl sitting in a corner on the porch – almost exactly where Julian had slept the night before, but he was pretty sure that had nothing to do with it.

“You’re not gonna look around?” Julian wondered.

“Nah,” Daryl answered.

Julian had no idea what he was doing when he walked over and sat beside Daryl. “What’s wrong?” Julian asked.

“Found some condoms,” Daryl said instead of answering.

“Oh, great,” Julian chuckled softly. “Now, clean yourself up so you smell less like you’ve been in the wilderness for a year and you can screw me.”

Daryl turned and looked Julian directly in his mismatched eyes. “Wanna kiss ya.”

“More than you want to have sex with me?” Julian asked skeptically.

“Yes,” Daryl answered seriously and without any hesitation.

“Why?” Julian asked, not quite believing Daryl.

It was a clever ploy, if it was one. Daryl not being interested in just sex was making Julian want to have  _so much_ sex, as if a reward for being the first decent guy to be interested in him. It made him want to lean over and slowly kiss Daryl, maybe take some control this time rather than just passively being kissed.

He wanted to see if Daryl came apart at his touch the way he thought the older man would. Daryl was just so quiet and tense. Julian wanted to see some shift in him. Julian wanted to see him be passionate again.

“I like your lips,” Daryl said once again. Julian sighed loudly.

“Whatever,” Julian grumbled, looking forward with a frown.

There was a moment of silence before Daryl muttered, “Ya got nice lips,” like it was a compliment that had been expected instead of something sincere.

“Yeah, yeah.” Julian rolled his eyes. “That’s what you say. But it goes from having nice lips to sexy lips to cock-suckin’ lips. You don’t have to hide it behind anything. We’re not, like, dating or some shit. You don’t have to romance me before asking for what you want.”

“I don’t care if your lips never touch my dick. Just wanna kiss ‘em,” Daryl said, and it didn’t sound like a joke or a lie.

Julian looked at Daryl in surprise, wondering if he was a better liar than Julian would have guessed.

“You hate me,” Julian reminded Daryl.

“Don’t care much ‘bout ya,” Daryl replied.

“Right,” Julian pushed himself up. “Well, I’m going to explore, like we’re supposed to.”

Daryl just grunted in response. Julian sighed and walked away.

He wandered around for a while. It felt like there was so much to see. There wasn’t anything too extraordinary about the town, except that it existed and was still standing. And the people here seemed happy.

A blonde woman was picking up a… pile of metal? She smiled at him when she caught him looking at her and her… scrap metal? She moved the metal, whatever it was, to the side and walked toward him.

“Hi. I’m Jessie,” she greeted as she met him in the road. “You’re one of Rick’s people, right?”

“Yeah. I’m Julian.” He shook her hand when she offered it. “Nice to meet you.”

“Julian? You’re going to be working at the infirmary, right?” Jessie wondered.

“Yeah.” Julian nodded. “How’d you know?”

“Oh, you’ll be working with my husband, Pete,” Jessie explained. “Deanna told us yesterday.”

“I was hoping to find the infirmary and meet Pete and Denise. Can you point me toward it?”

Jessie walked Julian over to the infirmary, leaving behind her… sculpture? Julian thought it might be a sculpture. It was strange, being around people who had time to do such unnecessary things again.

They ended up talking about her two kids, Ron and Sam. Julian told her a little about Gianna. The infirmary wasn’t far away, so they didn’t talk too much and that was nice. She didn’t need to know too much about him. They had really only discussed surface level things; the kinds of things they would find out about each other just by living in the same community.

Jessie headed back to her home without stopping in the infirmary to say hello to her husband, so Julian walked inside on his own. Denise was the first one he found inside, and they fell into an easy conversation where she explained her background and he explained his – hers being much more impressive and useful. She didn’t agree though, talking for over ten minutes about how great it was to have someone who knew more than just basic first aid and how an E.M.T.’s experience and knowledge was priceless.

When Pete walked in, the conversation was not quite as easy. Pete didn’t say anything wrong. Pete didn’t do anything wrong. But he had a way of holding himself, like he owned the room and everything inside it. Sometimes, people who held themselves in such a way were simply strong and confident. But nearly everyone who had ever hurt Julian was the same. It was so hard to tell which type of person Pete was. Julian needed more time to get to know him, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, at least.

Julian slept out on the porch again that night, this time with a blanket and a pillow. This time, without Daryl.

Hands.

“You’ve got great eyes.”

There were hands on him.

“You’re such a pretty whore.”

Bruising him.

Holding him down.

Prying him apart.

“ _Julian_.”

He gasped into wakefulness to find Rick kneeling over him. He was gripping Rick’s arm, digging his nails into Rick’s skin. He was breathing heavily and trembling and still muttering, “No, no, no.”

Julian went silent and stared up at Rick with wide eyes. Slowly, he let go of Rick’s arm and brushed at a tickle on his cheek.

_Oh,_ he thought as his fingers brushed wetness from his cheek. _I’ve been crying_.

Flushed from embarrassment, Julian forced a small smile. “Were you watchin’ me sleep, Grimes?”

“I’m goin’ for a walk,” Rick muttered, looking at Julian with concern.

“Then, walk,” Julian said, pushing himself up so he was sitting.

“What were you dreaming ‘bout?” Rick asked cautiously.

“Clowns,” Julian answered.

Julian tensed when Rick pulled him forward and hugged him. Rick had hugged him a total of three times in his life. It was a boundary Rick was careful not to cross, always considerate of what others might think about the bond he had formed with a kid – a gay boy at that. The first time Rick hugged him, Julian had just been taken from his parents and had started crying, not because he was sad but because he was so happy. He thought it was over. He thought he’d be safe.

The next time Rick hugged him, it had been a gentle hug because Julian was lying in a hospital bed with a broken arm and concussion. Apparently, the only information Rick had was that Julian was in the hospital. No one had bothered to tell him Julian would be just fine. So, Rick had panicked the whole way to the hospital and just hugged Julian in relief when he saw the teenager alive. The third time Rick hugged him, it had been congratulatory after Julian had graduated high school, a year late; he wasn’t ashamed of that. There was a hell of a lot going on and he thought it was a miracle he hadn’t dropped out.

Julian hugged Rick one last time, when Rick was in the hospital in his coma and Julian thought he was saying goodbye. It had broken his heart. But, Rick didn’t know about that.

Julian held onto Rick tightly for just a moment before abruptly pushing him away. Rick ruffled Julian’s hair with a sad smile. “Go inside, kid.”

“I’m not a kid,” Julian sighed loudly. “I turned eighteen years ago, and you never stopped seeing me as a kid.”

Rick stood and offered Julian his hand. 

“And I never will,” Rick declared, pulling Julian onto his feet. “Are you ever going to tell me what you’ve been through these past few years?”

Julian looked down and shrugged.

Rick shook his head. “Alright, kid. I’ll try again later, alright?”

Julian rolled his eyes even as he nodded. He watched Rick walk away.

Julian hadn’t found safety all those years ago when he was finally rescued from his parents. He hadn’t found a family. Rick had tried to be the father Julian needed, but he simply wasn’t around enough for it to feel quite like family.

Julian walked inside and turned to look into the living room where everyone was sleeping. Michonne was settling back on the ground, looking up at him a little surprised.

“Are we… Gianna and me… are we part of your family?” he asked very quietly.

Michonne gave him an easy smile. “Yeah.”

Julian nodded slowly. He glanced at where Daryl was sleeping. There was a small space on the floor next to him. Julian could fit – he was slender and a little shorter than average.

He walked over and laid next to Daryl, so close due to the small space that he could feel Daryl’s breath on his face every time he exhaled. It was somewhat comforting.

He didn’t think he’d fall asleep. If he did, he thought it would take hours. But, after a few moments of wondering what was keeping Rick up, Julian was sleeping peacefully, which still meant he was turning and twisting. His hand knocked Daryl in the side of the head, he was sleeping so close. This caused Daryl to jerk awake. When he opened his eyes to see Julian, he glanced around, to make sure no one else was awake, before he gently reached out and pushed Julian's hair away from his face.

Julian dreamed. It was a nonsense dream. Nothing made sense. Nothing was particularly scary or happy or anything. It was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take this moment to, once again, thank you for taking the time to read this story. I've been writing basically my whole life and I've shared very little with anyone. It means the world to me, to see the hit counter rise and to hear from you guys. So, thank you.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian spends some time at the infirmary and with Daryl.

Julian spent the next day working in the infirmary, mostly learning from Denise and taking care of Eric and some guy named Aiden who barely had a scratch. He didn’t know until Pete came out and chatted with Aiden that Aiden was Deanna’s son. One of two. He was one of the people who would leave the community to scavenge whatever was left outside the walls. He thought it made him impressive. He expected Julian to be impressed like he hadn’t spent the past half a year living outside walls.

Aiden left early in the day, talking about having to go out for another run to show the new guys what to do. Julian raised his eyebrows, wondering if this guy realized whoever he was taking with him – Julian only knew Glenn was part of the group that was going to be doing runs because Maggie mentioned it to him as they ate breakfast that morning – would have tenfold the experience he had.

Denise whispered as much to him as Pete and Aiden exchanged goodbyes. Julian decided he liked Denise. She was easy to get along with, the same way Aaron had been.

He didn’t see much of Gianna. She was working with Carol, putting together meals for the people in the community who weren’t able to do so for themselves. It felt strange, after months of spending every minute of every day and night at her side.

Denise told Julian to go home early, that day. There was nothing else for him to do and she determined he had learned enough – if he learned much more, she said, he’d be less likely to remember it all. It takes time, she said, to learn everything that needs to be learned and she really didn’t want to overwhelm him. He wondered if her care with him came from the anxiety she experienced when she was studying to be a surgeon.

Daryl was the only one at the house when Julian got back, everyone else having a job to get to or something around the community they had wanted to do before their jobs were assigned. It seemed Daryl was the only one who wasn’t curious about the community they found themselves in. Or, at least, if he was curious, he wasn’t doing anything about that curiosity.

Daryl was sitting on the porch steps. He didn’t acknowledge Julian as he walked up. Julian just walked past him. But the usual smell of nature and blood and Daryl didn’t meet his nose. He quickly looked over at the other man.

“You showered?” he asked.

“Carol told me to,” Daryl said.

Julian just stared at Daryl. His hair looked soft, now. His skin was clean. He smelled still like Daryl but also soap and that was a nice replacement for the blood and dirt that was now washed away.

“Everyone’s supposed to be gone. Is everyone gone?” Julian wondered.

“Yeah,” Daryl said.

“Then meet me in the master bedroom,” Julian said before walking into the house.

Daryl immediately jumped up and followed Julian upstairs.

Julian closed the bedroom door, hoping that they would still be able to hear if anyone arrived downstairs. Daryl was waiting silently, his eyes roaming over Julian’s body. When his gaze reached Julian’s lips, it lingered before flitting up to his eyes.

Daryl allowed Julian to guide him to the bed and push him down, so he was sitting on the edge of it. Julian leaned down for a moment and Daryl rose up, staring at his lips. But he passed by Daryl’s eager lips to settle on his knees between Daryl’s legs.

Julian unzipped Daryl’s jeans but before he could slip his hand into them, Daryl’s hand was on his wrist, stopping him with a gentle grip.

“What’re ya doin’?” Daryl asked.

“I’m going to give you a blow job,” Julian answered bluntly.

“No.”

“No?” Julian stood, staying between Daryl’s legs. He was confused. “This is what you want.”

“No.” Daryl pulled Julian down onto his lap, so Julian was straddling his hips, looking down at Daryl awkwardly. He had to wrap his arms around Daryl’s neck to stay balanced on his lap. “Told ya what I want.”

Julian rolled his eyes. He was going to tell Daryl to shut up and just take what he was offering. But then, Daryl was kissing him.

It was not nearly as rough as the first two kisses. It was more controlled, and it made Julian realize how utterly out of control Daryl had been the first time they kissed.

The kiss was gentler, but just as passionate as before. Daryl held Julian tightly against his body while his tongue slipped past Julian’s lips to explore his mouth. And Julian, to his embarrassment, melted into Daryl’s touch. He was thankful they were sitting because his knees were weak.

It just felt so good, to be held and kissed, and to want it. But… there was a strangeness to it, too. Since he started dating, all that mattered was that his boyfriends wanted him beyond just his appearance. Even the boyfriend who beat him had truly cared for him – maybe even loved him. Daryl didn’t care about him. Daryl only wanted him for the way he looked.

Julian maneuvered slightly away from Daryl while keeping their lips together, Daryl’s tongue currently gliding over his bottom lip, so that he could fit his hand between them. Kissing was something he did with someone who cared about him. But as soon as he felt the fabric of Daryl’s jeans, Daryl’s hand was stopping him, and the kiss was over.

Julian set his hand on Daryl’s chest. “You can’t be serious. This can’t be all you want from me.”

Daryl was silent, staring at Julian’s glistening lips. His heart was beating fast beneath Julian’s palm.

“Is this really all you want?” Julian asked softly.

“Right now,” Daryl answered. He then pulled Julian back down into the kiss and Julian did not resist, nor did he try to go any further. He just let himself enjoy Daryl’s touch.

He wasn’t scared. He didn’t think Daryl would hurt him. He knew, if he wanted it to end, Daryl would end it. But he couldn’t think about that for long, because the relief would be enough to make him cry.

He hadn’t been ruined. He could still enjoy being touched and kissed and held… he had laid awake many nights wondering if he could ever be intimate with anyone ever again after what he’d been through. And, here he was, being kissed by the second most intimidating man he had ever known, and he wasn’t scared.

Julian was so absorbed in the kiss that he forgot to listen for any of the numerous people who could enter the house. So, he jumped off Daryl like he was being burned when someone called, “Daryl? Are you here?” from downstairs.

Daryl grunted as he stood, adjusting himself before zipping his jeans.

“Daryl?”

It sounded like Aaron and he was getting close to the stairs.

Daryl gripped the back of Julian’s neck and pulled him close. He pressed a soft, chaste kiss to Julian’s lips.

“I… I thought kissing was just something you did before sex,” Julian mumbled.

“Sometimes, kissing’s just kissin’,” Daryl replied. He, then, left the room. “What?” he called gruffly as he jogged down the stairs.

Julian sat on the bed and touched his lips. What kind of game was Daryl playing? No one had ever turned him down like that. No one had ever been honest when they said they didn’t want to just shove their prick between his lips. That was how most of his relationships had begun and certainly how every one-night stand started.

Why would Daryl be any different?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think, in this story, Daryl definitely took a shower sooner than he did in the show.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian confides in Rick.

It was a damn good thing Aaron arrived to interrupt the kiss between Julian and Daryl when he did, because a minute later, as Julian stood from the bed still very confused by Daryl’s behavior, but getting used to being confused by Daryl, Rick walked in, like he knew Julian would be there. Julian just stared at him with wide eyes, trying to imagine what Rick would have done, had he walked into Julian’s room to find him sitting in Daryl’s lap as the two kissed.

He did not think it would have ended well for Daryl.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Rick said.

“Do we have to?” Julian sighed even as he followed Rick out of the room.

“Yeah, we do,” Rick replied.

Julian groaned softly, letting Rick lead him out of the house, down the driveway, and onto the road.

“Alright, kid, you’re gonna tell me about these nightmares,” Rick stated, sternly.

“There’s a clown and a hatchet involved,” Julian said.

Rick looked at him skeptically. Julian bit his bottom lip. “You’ve lied to me a lot over the years. I’m hopin’ that stops now,” Rick said.

He _had_ lied to Rick a lot. He lied every time he didn’t tell Rick that he had been hit when Rick asked how his day had been. He lied every time he didn’t tell Rick he was in pain because he hadn’t eaten anything in days and sometimes it felt like his stomach was going to collapse in on itself from the emptiness. He lied to Rick when he said his boyfriend was a decent guy who would never hurt him. He lied to Rick when he said he thought things were finally looking up. He lied to Rick when he told him he’d be strong. He lied to Rick. He’d always lied to Rick.

Julian swallowed, heart beating a bit faster.

It wasn’t like before. He couldn’t survive on his own, now, no matter how hard he tried. He had someone else to keep alive in Gianna, now. He couldn’t just receive support from Rick. He needed to rely on Rick. He needed to be someone Rick could rely on.

Maybe they couldn’t trust each other, if this secret stood between them.

“Wh-what happened to Lori?” Julian asked. He needed something from Rick before giving up so much of himself.

Rick didn’t say anything for a long moment and Julian worried that he had gone too far.

“She died… havin’ Judith,” Rick finally said. “I wasn’t there… Carl had to…”

“I’m sorry,” Julian mumbled.

“I had to kill Shane myself,” Rick said, unprompted. “He was tryin’ to take my family from me. He was turnin’ the group on itself… He was gonna kill me, so I killed him first. Carl had to put him down, too.”

Julian didn’t say anything. He scratched the back of his head.

“I’ve done a lot of things,” Rick declared. “Seen a lot of things. You’re not gonna shock me. Not gonna make me look at you any different.”

Julian laughed dryly. “Bullshit.”

“Bullshit, huh? Have I ever looked at you different after anything else you’ve been through? After any of the things you’ve done?”

“I don’t know.”

_“Julian.”_

Julian sighed softly. “No, I guess not.”

Rick stopped walking, so Julian did as well. He turned and faced Rick, but Rick kept looking forward with his hands on his hips. “I did the best I could to be there for you since you were three years old. I know I failed, a lot. You needed me more than I could be there for ya. I’ll always regret that, Julian, but I don’t have to let it continue.”

Julian chewed on the inside of his bottom lip, eyes falling away from Rick.

“We found each other across states years later,” Rick said. “That’s a damn miracle and, now, I can be what you’ve always needed me to be.”

“You’re not my dad, Grimes,” Julian said.

“I can try to be,” Rick replied.

Julian rubbed his eyes. “You’re such a dork.”

Rick chuckled and started walking again. Julian hesitated a moment before following.

“You want me to repay all those kind words with answers to your questions, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You’re an ass, Rick Grimes.”

“What are your nightmares about, Julian?”

Julian looked up and asked himself if he was really going to do this. Then, instead of answering himself, he answered Rick. “We were so tired. We’d only been on our own for a couple weeks, so we weren’t used to it, yet. And we knew they were still looking for us, so we were trying to be careful. It was just a lot and we were overwhelmed. I thought we might not make it… I’ve thought about it a thousand times and that’s why I did it. That’s why I trusted him when he said he could help us. That he _would_ help us.”

Rick side-glanced at Julian but said nothing as Julian hesitated to continue.

“But when we got to his house, he locked us in and said, ‘time to pay up.’ I thought, maybe, he meant my bow or something but… he said, usually, he’d just take the girl, but I was so pretty, he’d let me choose who paid the price.”

Rick’s fists clenched. He’d felt something like this rage once before. But then, he hadn’t been too late to stop it.

“It stormed real bad that night,” Julian said quietly. “The lightning… kept lighting up the room so I could see… and so Gianna could see us. It went on for a long time... it was-it wasn't... it was months ago but I just... I keep having nightmares about it.”

Rick didn’t say anything. It was like his rage was choking him. But Julian didn’t know that. He was certain Rick must think less of him for this. For just letting it happen. He blushed darkly, tears welling in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I know I should have fought, but I just gave in and let th-”

“Stop,” Rick demanded, coming to a halt as if to emphasize his word.

Julian stopped walking forward. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“You have nothin’ to be sorry for,” Rick said, his tone angry. “You did nothin’ wrong. _Nothing_ , you hear me?”           

Julian nodded, his tears falling. Rick grabbed him and hugged him tightly. Julian broke down, holding onto Rick and just letting himself cry.

“Rick?” someone called from nearby.

“Not now, Jessie,” Rick said, voice still angry.

Julian wasn’t sure how long they stood there after that. Rick didn’t say anything or move, ignoring the tears dampening his shoulder. And when Julian finally removed himself from Rick’s arms, Rick kept a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m okay, most of the time,” Julian assured Rick. “You’ve caught me at a bad time, is all. It was that storm, I think. It shook the memories loose.”

Rick had no clue what to say. That it was okay? That he’d try to help? None of that seemed like it would matter at the moment. He couldn’t change what had happened. He couldn’t fix this.

“It won’t happen again,” Rick promised instead. “I won’t let it happen again.”

Julian nodded, but Rick couldn’t tell if he believed him or if it would even matter if he did.

“We’re gonna be spreadin’ out into the second house,” Rick informed Julian of the decision he had made earlier with Carol and Daryl. “I hope you’ll stay with me, Carl, and Judith.”

Julian resisted the urge to ask where Daryl would be staying. It certainly hadn’t escaped Julian’s notice that he hadn’t had a nightmare when Daryl was next to him. He would have to be an idiot to not realize it meant something that the first time he had ever fallen asleep easily after one of his nightmares, it was while Daryl was so close Julian could feel him breathe. He didn’t consciously feel safer around Daryl the way he did with Rick.

But, maybe it was deeper than that. Maybe it wasn’t his mind that trusted Daryl like it trusted Rick. Maybe it was his body.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another nightmare causes Julian to seek Daryl out.

#### Episode 05x13

#### 

A hand gripped his face, turning it so far to the side that it was straining his neck and he wondered if his muscles might tear. Rough, greedy lips claimed his and when he tried to pull away a hard thrust was his punishment.

It didn’t hurt. Gianna had been pleading, but now she was screaming, and those screams were echoing loudly. Some of the hands on him were rotten. The room looked different – ethereal, almost. Such a stark contrast to the dirty, dark room he remembered.

He tried to focus on the differences, telling himself to remember why it was different. But he couldn’t think past the violation and the fear. He couldn’t think past the hands and the lips and the fullness that had once been so painful.

Julian’s own sobbing woke him. He grasped the sheets beneath him, his body trembling and tears still falling fast and heavy down his face. He couldn’t move as he slowly took stock of himself.

His lips didn’t feel swollen and used. His body didn’t hurt from where the hands had been holding him. There wasn’t that horrible, raw pain inside him.

Julian slowly sat up, looking around his room in Rick’s house in Alexandria. He was safer than he had, perhaps, ever been, just a hallway separating him and Rick.

But, where was Daryl?

His body felt weak as he slipped out of the bed. He was in boxers and an oversized t-shirt. Daryl had actually found him the clothes in one of the houses. He had basically thrown them at Julian before leaving the room and he hadn’t mentioned where he was going to be that night.

Julian silently walked down the hallway and the stairs, trying to figure out where Daryl might have gone. He didn’t seem like he was quite ready to sleep in a bed; it barely seemed like he was ready to sleep in the community at all. He certainly wasn’t making any effort.

Daryl wasn’t downstairs. Tara was, sleeping soundly on the couch. Julian was about to leave the house, as if he could find Daryl easily outside, when he paused and looked at the basement door. It seemed very Daryl.

Julian crept down the stairs after closing the basement door behind him. He couldn’t really see, pressing his hand against the railing to guide him. Unfortunately, the railing didn’t extend past the stairs, so Julian was afraid to move forward. It was pitch black and all he could hear was his own ragged breathing.

“D-Daryl?” he called softly, standing at the bottom of the staircase.

Silence greeted him, and he was feeling smaller and smaller.

“Is anyone down here?” he asked, louder.

“Who’s askin’?” Daryl’s sleep roughened voice asked from deep in the room.

Julian didn’t respond. He just rushed over to the corner Daryl’s voice had come from. He would have tripped over Daryl, on the ground under a single blanket, if Daryl wasn’t sitting up and prepared to catch him. Julian just crumbled at the touch, wrapping himself around Daryl.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured as he nuzzled into Daryl’s neck.

“You’re shakin’,” Daryl said, one hand on Julian’s hip and the other on his upper back. “Are ya cryin?”

“Can I sleep here?” Julian asked.

“The basement?”

“Near you.”

He felt Daryl swallow. “Why?”

Julian didn’t answer. He just leaned up and pressed his lips against Daryl’s, thinking maybe that could convince him to let Julian stay. But Daryl lightly pushed him back, then off. He sat at Daryl’s side frowning.

“Stay if ya want. I don’t care,” Daryl said, turning his back to Julian.

Julian felt cold where Daryl had touched him.

“Are you mad at me?” Julian asked quietly. He didn’t really think the pair spent enough time together for Daryl to be angry at him for anything, but it wasn’t really like he understood anything about Daryl.

Daryl scoffed like it was insane that he could care enough about Julian to be mad at him for anything.

“You get over your fascination with my lips, then?” Julian asked as he laid down at Daryl’s side on the concrete floor.

“I’m not gonna kiss ya when you’re a cryin’ mess,” Daryl stated, and it made Julian feel somewhat better, that Daryl hadn’t lost all interest in him.

He didn’t like these feelings. Not when they were centered around Daryl, who had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t give a damn about Julian.

“Ya have another nightmare?” Daryl asked.

“Yeah. Sometimes, this happens. It’ll probably end in a week or so,” Julian mumbled. “The longest it went was thirteen days. I just get so tired when this happens. Falling asleep after is hard. Sometimes, I just can’t. So, I lay awake thinking. Which, doesn’t help.”

The silence between them stretched for so long, Julian was certain that Daryl had fallen asleep again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Why’d ya come here?” Daryl asked.

Julian made a soft, tired noise. He had nearly fallen asleep himself. “It seemed very _you_ , to sleep in a basement.”

“Why’d ya come to me?” Daryl questioned like it was what he meant in the first place.

Julian couldn’t bring himself to admit the truth. Maybe Daryl wouldn’t get it. Maybe Daryl wouldn’t care that Julian just felt safer with him nearby.

“Just didn’t want to be alone,” Julian mumbled.

Daryl said nothing. And this time, Julian really did fall asleep.

Daryl shoved his shoulder to wake him in the morning. Julian slowly opened his eyes and looked up at him, blinking heavily. He couldn’t help but smile. Daryl still looked like he hated his smile.

“Rick’s gonna tear the place apart, lookin’ for ya,” Daryl said.

“Shit.” Julian pushed himself off the floor, trying to ignore the tweak of pain in his back from the uncomfortable way he had slept, just so he could be close to Daryl.

Julian rushed upstairs, throwing the door open. Carl was standing just far enough away to not be hit by the door. He looked at Julian in surprise and the kid’s wide eyes and agape mouth caused Julian to laugh.

“Sorry,” he said quickly as he closed the door. “Where’s your dad?”

“Lookin’ for you in the other house,” Carl answered.

“Thanks,” Julian said.

Carl just nodded, watching Julian jog out of the house. Daryl emerged from the basement a moment later, carelessly ruffling the back of his hair. Carl looked at him in confusion.  Daryl hit him lightly on the shoulder before walking past without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the halfway point. It seems absolutely ridiculous that I just started posting this this week. I have no self-control. Though, I am going to try to stretch the next 16 chapters out over a little more than a week, at least.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's one of those moments you forgot ever happened - the "Welcome to Alexandria, you dirty hobos," party!

Julian’s second day at the infirmary was also spent mostly at Denise’s side. Pete seemed to want to ignore him, like he didn’t need any more help, let alone from someone who had as little schooling as Julian. Denise didn’t look down at him because his training had been less than hers. Denise seemed to think it was almost as important as her own education, which Julian thought was ridiculous really. The education of a surgeon-turned-psychiatrist was a lot more in-depth than the education of an E.M.T. That was the point. Julian’s job had been to get people still alive to the surgeons. It was difficult and important, but Denise still knew more than him. She and Pete were the ones who knew how to put people back together.

She was very impressed and borderline thrilled when she learned he possessed the knowledge of a few basic surgeries. Pete looked at him skeptically when he found out. He made Julian walk him through the process of taking out an appendix, not believing Julian had participated in six between his previous two groups. He seemed even more skeptical when Julian mentioned taking part in three amputations as well.

Eric stopped by again for his ankle. Julian sat by his bed as he waited for Pete to come back from the house of an elderly man with a pacemaker he checked on every day.

“How are you settling in?” Eric asked curiously.

Julian shrugged. “I’m a pro at this shit by now.”

“That’s right. You’ve been part of two communities before this, right?” Eric wondered, drawing Denise’s attention from the book she was reading over to the pair of them.

“Yeah,” Julian said with a slight nod. “The first one died out. We left the second.”

“Died out?” Eric said weakly.

“Yeah. We got overrun by a herd of biters. I made it out with Gianna and three other people. We lost them along the way to the next group,” Julian explained, looking down at his hands resting on his lap.

“Why’d you leave that group?” Denise wondered.

“We just didn’t like how they did things,” Julian said. “It took me weeks to convince Gianna to leave with me. She was terrified that they’d find us and kill us, but we didn’t steal anything or hurt anyone when we left. We just slipped away in the middle of the night. Some part of me hoped they wouldn’t look for us at all. They did, of course, so we spent a lot of time hiding. A lot of shit has happened since then, but I don’t regret leaving. They weren’t decent people anymore, and me and Gianna want to be decent people.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad you left,” Denise said. “You’re so happy, which is a nice change from Pete.”

“Pete’s a nice guy,” Eric replied quickly.

Denise looked like she didn’t believe it, but she just said, “Not when he’s been at work for more than an hour.”

“Ugh, whatever.” Eric looked back to Julian. “Are you coming to the welcome party?”

Julian’s eyebrows rose. “Is it optional? When Deanna told me about it, it didn’t sound optional.”

“It is, but it isn’t,” Eric said.

Julian laughed softly. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a party. I was thinking it might actually be fun.”

Denise and Eric both brightened at the statement.

“I’m glad you think so,” Eric said. “From what I’ve heard, not many from your group are looking forward to it.”

“Well, adjusting isn’t easy,” Julian said, thinking of how untrusting and uncomfortable Rick currently was. “Things are a lot different in here than they are out there.”

Pete arrived then, taking some of the friendliness out of the air as he got right down to business with Eric, questioning him on his pain and really being rather boring, so Julian quickly zoned out, watching Denise go back to reading a book. She read quickly. It was rather impressive.

Julian really liked some of these new people in his life. Even after a couple of nightmares, he couldn’t feel his mood lessen any. He was so lucky. He’d found Rick and then they’d found this place. How could he not be grateful for what had been given, despite what had been taken?

Denise sent Julian home early again, so he could have time to get ready for the party. More clothes had been brought over for all of them, and it was strange as he looked through the pile of fabric trying to decide what to wear for the first time since this whole thing started. Rosita walked out of a room wearing a black dress with a frown. Julian even cringed for her.

“We’re trying to make a good impression,” Rosita said as she rolled her eyes.

“You certainly look bland,” Julian replied.

“Thanks,” Rosita grumbled.

When Abraham walked out in an olive-green sweater, Julian actually laughed.

“I’m guessing you were going for harmless, but you missed and scored Apocalypse’s Most Boring Couple,” Julian joked. “Both of you are much too hot to look like that.”

Rosita sighed very loudly, like she couldn’t agree more, and pulled Abraham out of the house after her. Julian decided he did not want to bore anyone who looked at him the way those two did, and that was how he ended up in tight black jeans with holes at the knees that he would have never been able to wear outside the walls. Hell, he never would have been able to wear pants so tight even before the dead refused to stay dead. He had been mocked and ogled enough when dressing conservatively. He hadn’t thought he needed to add to that.

A shirt was harder to find. Whatever he liked ended up not being his size. In the end, he walked out of the house in a button up shirt that he was pretty sure was meant to be a woman’s shirt, but it hung attractively on him and the dark teal color highlighted the difference in his eyes.

While he thought it would be interesting and maybe even fun to attend any kind of party, even a boring one, Julian found the party to just feel surreal. He watched Abraham drink beer and Rick talk with Deanna and a man Julian assumed was her husband from how close they were standing, and it all felt like it belonged in a different world.

A long-gone world. Didn’t these people realize it was over?

Julian mustered a smile when Pete and Jessie walked inside with their two sons. Pete seemed different, outside of work. He still had the same confidence that left Julian uncertain of whether he should be trusted or not, but he was more relaxed. He stuck close to Jessie, and she looked happy. He wondered if it was time to stop worrying about Pete.

“Jules!” Gianna basically pounced on him, hugging him tightly. She hadn’t slept in Rick’s house and it was the first time they had not seen each other even once until after the sun went down since the day they had met.

Julian hugged Gianna back, his eyes moving over her shoulder to focus on an uncomfortable looking Noah.

“How was your day?” Gianna asked when she ended the hug.

“Long. Yours?” Julian replied.

“Good, really good.” Gianna grinned at him.

Julian crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Good. Continue that while enjoying yourself at this party. You too, Noah.”

Gianna and Noah moved further into the room, Gianna talking quietly to Noah, maybe trying to get him to calm down and somehow enjoy himself.

A hand on his shoulder drew Julian’s attention to Maggie and Glenn. He smiled at them. He had taken to eating breakfast with at least Maggie and sometimes Glenn. It seemed so long ago that his hair and eyes had made them uncomfortable.

“You look nice,” Maggie said.

“Thanks.” Julian shrugged a little, no longer wanting to stand out and wishing he had just worn normal jeans and a shirt that didn’t fit him so damn well. He had considered using the hairband around his wrist to tie up his hair, so he’d look a little more boring, but it felt nice to let it down again.

“How are things going at the infirmary?” Glenn asked as Maggie looked around the room.

“I really like Denise,” Julian answered. “So far, I haven’t had to do much besides hand out pills and read books, so… it’s something to do and it helps people. I don’t hate it.”

“Where were you this morning?” Glenn wondered, suddenly remembering the way Rick had barged into the second house.

“Oh, just… talkin’ to Daryl down in the basement. Rick must have barely missed me when he checked on me, which… I didn’t know he did.” Julian searched the room for Rick.

“Noah looks like he’s goin’ to bolt,” Maggie observed.

“Well, go talk him down,” Julian replied with a soft smile.

Julian’s eyes found Rick in the crowd as Maggie and Glenn made their way over to Noah and Gianna. He tapped his foot on the ground and looked at all the faces he didn’t recognize. Jessie stopped by to say hi to him. She smiled as she introduced him to Sam and Ron. He smiled back, trying to ignore that the only one in this situation not smiling was Pete.

Julian excused himself politely and actually slipped out of the party. He wanted to find Daryl and ask if they could sleep in the same room from the beginning of the night as to avoid nightmares all together. Then, if Daryl said yes, Julian wanted to ask if Daryl would maybe go to sleep early because Julian was tired and just wanted to curl up against Daryl’s side like a cat and sleep through the night.

Julian turned just in time to see Daryl heading into Aaron and Eric’s house. He bit lip and continued walking forward, despite the urge to follow Daryl and still ask his two questions. But, if Daryl was making friends out of Aaron and Eric – if Daryl was trying to do anything to endear himself to the community – Julian would not interfere.

He walked back toward Rick’s house – he couldn’t see it as his or anyone else’s, just like he couldn’t see the group as anything other than Rick’s.

Julian stood in the doorway of his room, looking in at the bed. He wringed his hands. Not even the smallest part of him wanted to crawl into that bed and fall asleep despite how tired he was. Even after being able to fall asleep the night before, nightmares zapped his energy right from him. Add a few hours of work on top of that, and Julian didn’t even care that he would be going to sleep earlier than even Judith.

Julian grabbed his pillow and blanket. He thought about whether or not it was safe, and what the others would think, if he just went down to the basement and slept there from the beginning of the night, just hoping Daryl would be back.

Rick might worry about him if he came home and checked to find Julian not in his bedroom. Carl might think it was weird if he walked out of the basement again while Daryl stayed down there. Someone might catch on, not to the nightmares – he thought that was pretty obvious already, but to the weird attraction between the two of them.

After only a moment of considering the consequences, Julian walked down into the basement, found the corner he and Daryl had slept in the night before, and curled up under his blanket.

Sometimes, Julian knew he was dreaming. It was rare. But sometimes things got too warped and he knew it couldn’t be real, but he still couldn’t get himself to wake up. His attention was always drawn in another direction before he was able to get himself to jolt awake.

This time, he could see the faces the hands belonged too, but they weren’t what they were supposed to be. There was Rick’s face. And Glenn’s and Aaron’s and Pete’s and people he knew from before, some dead and some alive. And he knew, from the moment Rick’s face was looming above him, that it was a dream, but the faces kept cycling and he couldn’t just WAKE UP!

He was desperate to open his eyes. Desperate to wake from this torture. Why did it haunt him like this? Why couldn’t it let him go? It had been months, so why, why, _why_ did it still hurt like this?

When a hand gripped his shoulder, he lashed out only for his wrist to be caught.

“Julian,” Daryl said sternly.

Julian’s eyes snapped open. Daryl was kneeling beside him and for a moment he thought he was still dreaming and Daryl’s face had finally made an appearance. Julian sobbed and covered his eyes, thankful his arms weren’t pinned down uselessly like they had been in his nightmare.

When the moment passed, and Julian realized it wasn’t a dream, he felt mortified. He slowly lowered his hands and looked sheepishly into Daryl’s eyes.

Julian somehow managed a small smile. “Can we… pretend this never happened?”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's rewind a few minutes and see what's up with Daryl.

Rick was standing in the kitchen, looking out a window as motionless as a statue when Daryl walked through on his way to get some water after returning from Aaron and Eric’s home and a quick walk around the community, during which he had been considering Aaron’s proposal that would take him away from Alexandria… and Julian. He couldn’t stop from coming back to that. If he left, how long would it be before he got to kiss those lips again?

Rick held his own glass of an amber liquid that was certainly not water, barely any left in it.

“Heard ‘bout Sasha,” Daryl said. It had been what most of the people he passed on his walk were talking about.

Rick sighed and just nodded a quick confirmation that it had happened – Sasha had yelled at the Alexandrians for having the audacity to enjoy themselves. Sasha was self-destructing, Julian was falling apart, and he was crushing on the neighbor, if grown men could be considered to have crushes. And those were just the pressing issues concerning his group’s emotional state. There was plenty else to worry about, too.

“Julian’s sleepin’ in the basement,” Rick mumbled, partly because it had confused him from the moment he found Julian down there and partly to warn Daryl before he retreated there for the night. “I don’t know why. Kid’s got his own room. Not everyone gets their own room and he’s not sleepin’ in his.”

Daryl didn’t respond, trying to ignore the urge to rush down into the basement to see if Julian was still awake. If he was leaving with Aaron soon, a couple nights staying awake with Julian might be exactly what he needed.

“Think he feels safe down there,” Daryl mumbled, though it wasn’t the truth. Daryl really thought Julian felt safe next to him, for some reason, despite stating multiple times that he was actually afraid of Daryl.

Rick suddenly threw his glass across the room. It shattered against the wall and Rick slammed his hand down on the counter. Daryl’s muscles had tensed the moment Rick’s arm rose to throw the glass. He expected to be hit or harmed in some other way and was prepared to do everything he could to avoid it.

Rick sighed loudly. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry.”

“The hell?” Daryl grunted.

“Julian… told me…”

Daryl took a quick step back. Had Julian told Rick about whatever the hell was happening between them? Daryl wondered if Rick would kill him or just kick his ass. Daryl wondered if he’d bother trying to fight back.

He tried not to let his relief show when Rick said, “Somethin’ happened to him… Every time I think about it, I want to kill someone.”

Daryl raised his eyebrows. Rick wanting to kill someone was new. The people Rick killed _needed_ to die. It didn’t have anything to do with wanting. Or, if the want was there, it was inconsequential.

“What happened?” Daryl asked.

Rick looked at Daryl for a long time as if considering answering – sharing this secret he had been given so he didn’t have to seethe alone. But, then again, the secret was Julian’s and it wasn’t even like Daryl and Julian got along.

“Never mind,” Rick sighed.

Daryl frowned, watching as Rick walked over and started cleaning up the shards of glass. Daryl warred with himself, wanting to push further to find out what Julian was hiding from him and still just wanting to get downstairs to maybe move past just kissing with Julian.

He’d been wondering for a while if it was okay to go straight to sex, rather than taking lesser steps like the blow job Julian was going to give him. Sometimes, he still thought he was an absolute fool for turning it down. But, most of the time, he was glad he had been in control of himself enough to not let it happen. The things Julian said about his lips and the way he said it made Daryl uneasy. Either he truly believed the things he said, or he had been told them for so long, he could parrot it all back like it was the truth. Daryl didn’t want to cement it any further in Julian’s psyche.

“Shit,” Rick muttered as he cut himself on a shard of glass. It drew Daryl right out of his thoughts.

He felt extremely uncomfortable. He was starting to get concerned about the amount of time his mind spent focused on Julian. It was getting harder and harder to ignore. Julian was getting harder and harder to not care about.

Daryl didn’t need another person to care about. Not like this.

“Night,” Daryl said.

“Night,” Rick grumbled.

 Daryl forced himself to walk slowly down into the basement. He turned on the one overhead lightbulb that dimly lit the large basement, so he could see and if it happened to wake Julian up, Daryl wouldn’t complain.

Daryl’s heart sank to his stomach when he stepped off the stairs and turned to face the corner Julian was lying in. Daryl stood, frozen, for a long five seconds – they somehow seemed endless.

The way Julian was writhing on the floor, Daryl thought he was a walker. Daryl thought Julian was dead and he wanted to know what caused it, so he had something to blame. Something to shift this rage to as he pulled out a knife.

He was about to call for Rick, because maybe Rick needed to be the one to do this, when Daryl realized Julian wasn’t a walker. Walkers didn’t whimper and cry. Walkers didn’t mumble “No,” and “Please.”

_A nightmare_ , Daryl realized. _Julian must be having one of his nightmares._

Sighing, Daryl walked toward Julian to wake him.

“Please,” Julian said in the smallest voice possible. “I _can’t_.”

Julian’s voice sounded so broken and helpless, Daryl instinctively ran the last few steps toward him before crashing to his knees beside him.

Daryl grabbed Julian’s shoulder to wake him. Julian swung his fist toward Daryl, but he had been expecting it after the first time he woke Julian and ended up under him.

Daryl caught his wrist in as light of a grip as he could. “Julian.”

Julian looked up at him for barely a moment before sobbing and covering his face. Daryl didn’t know what to do. He was trying to figure out what to say when Julian lowered his hands and looked up at him shyly.

“Can we… pretend this never happened?” Julian asked quietly with a small smile.

How could he smile? He was still shaking and crying. Why did he always smile when he shouldn’t?

Daryl had his moments, but he wasn’t generally good at the whole comfort thing. He had a connection with Judith and Carol, but that was the extent of it for him. Two people in the whole world he was able to be there for when they needed him, and even then, he didn’t know what he was doing. Whatever he did just seemed to work.

Julian started wiping his cheeks. Daryl just did what felt right, reaching out and running his fingers through Julian’s soft hair. Julian actually leaned into the touch. Daryl thought he would purr if it was possible.

“You’re okay,” Daryl said softly, tucking some of Julian’s hair behind his ear so his face was less obscured. “You’re okay,” he repeated, brushing tears from Julian’s cheek with his other hand. “I’ve got ya.”

With no warning, Julian went from leaning into Daryl’s touch to sitting in his lap.

“What’re ya doin’?” Daryl asked.

“Just shut up and hold me,” Julian whispered, laying his head on Daryl’s shoulder.

Daryl hesitated. This was not what he had pictured for the night. Hell, this was not what he had pictured when he first saw Julian. But he didn’t want to push Julian away. He didn’t want to leave Julian there, alone and upset. So, he wrapped his arms around him and held him close, just as requested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this story through eighteen chapters and 30,000+ words. It really does mean a lot :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Julian spend a bit of time together. It's not all good, but it's certainly not all bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of the last chapter, the song which provided this story with its title finally makes sense to what's happened (though a bit exaggerated, because it's a sappy song; honestly it's the second verse that gets me). Therefore, if you haven't, I'd invite you to listen to Heard You Crying by Michael Schulte. It's worth the 4 minutes, especially if you've enjoyed the story :)

Julian woke with Daryl lying under him, arms wrapped around him. He smiled, his cheek resting on Daryl’s evenly rising and falling chest. He felt kind of bad, because Daryl was still wearing his long-sleeved shirt, vest, and jeans from the night before, not having had a chance to change since Julian instantly clung onto him. He looked up, expecting to see Daryl sleeping, but Daryl was staring up at the ceiling.

“You’re awake?” Julian asked sleepily.

“Yeah.”

“How long have you been awake?” Julian moved to sit up, but Daryl tightened his grip slightly, which made Julian smile bigger as he relaxed once more against Daryl’s body.

“A while,” Daryl answered.

Julian absently nuzzled against Daryl’s chest. “Why are you just lying here, then?”

Daryl looked at Julian. “You were sleepin’,” he said like it should have been obvious. “Didn’t wanna wake ya.”

Julian laughed quietly, placing his hand on Daryl’s stomach. “That’s oddly considerate of you,” he said, tracing the lines of Daryl’s abs through his shirt.

Daryl remained absolutely still. He didn’t say anything either. Julian would have thought Daryl wanted him to leave, if he hadn’t already been stopped from moving once.

“You still scared of me?” Daryl asked. His hand slid up Julian’s back to rest on the nape of his neck.

Julian laughed. “More than ever.”

Daryl grunted.

“But not for the same reasons as before,” Julian added, just in case Daryl cared. “I don’t think you’re going to, like, punch me if I talk too much anymore, or anything. Though, I have tried to talk less around you. Have you noticed?”

“No.”

“Well, I’m not going to try any harder.”

“Can’t be tryin’ that hard in the first place.”

“That’s hurtful.”

They settled into silence. Julian slipped his hand under Daryl’s shirt, continuing to trace his abs. Daryl began running his fingers through Julian’s hair. He closed his eyes and had almost fallen back asleep when Daryl said, “What do I do that scares ya?”

Julian bit his bottom lip softly. He had changed the subject of the conversation very purposefully. “Isn’t it enough to know I don’t think you’ll physically hurt me anymore?”

“No.”

Sighing, Julian sat up, ignoring the way Daryl tried to hold onto him for just a second. “Alright, listen, Dixon, I am an optimistic, sentimental fool. Which means even a guy as antisocial and grumpy as you has the potential to really mess with my head without even trying to. We’re good, right now, because you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t care about me, and, hey, I’ll ignore the way you were holding me a minute ago, because who could have done much else after coming across such a pathetic mess of a person? My point is, I’m scared of what I’ll let you do to me. Emotionally. You ever hit me, and I’ll tell Rick.”

“Good,” Daryl said. He stayed lying down, looking up at Julian with an expression he just couldn’t read. He’d never had as hard of a time guessing what someone was thinking as he did with Daryl. It was like his emotions never reached his face.

“Anyway…” Julian stood, running his own fingers through his hair, though it felt like a weak imitation of what Daryl did. “Thanks for last night… I needed someone, and you were that someone and… I’ll try not to make a habit of it, okay? The nightmares should stop soon.”

“What’re they ‘bout?” Daryl asked, sitting up so that he was resting on his elbows.

“I told you. Clowns.”

“You told Rick somethin’ ‘bout somethin’ that happened to ya.”

“So? Rick’s Rick.”

“What’s that mean?”

Julian shrugged a little. “It was clearly bothering him, that I was keeping something from him and I just thought maybe I should stop keeping things from him, but you’re different. You don’t care about me, and there are just some things you don’t talk about with people who don’t care.”

Daryl watched him silently. Julian hoped that Daryl would argue; say that maybe he did care, even just a little. But no. Daryl just watched him.

Julian sighed. “I’m gonna shower. Enjoy your day, Dixon.”

Daryl caught Julian’s hand before he walked by.

“What?” Julian asked dryly, because sometimes even he could be cynical, especially when disappointed and Daryl had disappointed him more than he had been prepared for. “You want me to suck your dick or something to repay your kindness?”

Daryl’s grip tightened slightly. “That’s somethin’ a whore would do.”

“And?”

“So, you’re a whore?”

Julian’s heart beat a little harder. “A pretty one at that,” he muttered, pulling his hand away and quickly leaving the basement.

He was in the bathroom, taking off his shirt, when the door opened, and Daryl slipped inside.

“What’re you doing?” Julian sighed.

“I shouldn’ta said that,” Daryl mumbled.

“Ah, well… I was kind of an asshole first,” Julian said, tossing his shirt onto the counter next to the pile of clean clothes for after his shower. “It’s just… it’s just that I might have a crush on you. I know, I know – how middle school of me? But I’m young and this happens sometimes, so just… I might snap at you every once in a while, when I want you to do one thing, but you do something else, because, of course you’re not going to do what I want. Shit, you’re like… all the bad guys I’ve ever been attracted to, but I avoided those guys and dated the quarterback, which backfired too. Anyway, can’t seem to avoid you. Not only are we stuck in Alexandria together, but you seem to be the… well, we’re sleeping in the basement together.”

Daryl moved from side to side silently, looking at Julian with that same unreadable expression from earlier. Finally, he said, “Ya talk too much.”

“You don’t talk enough,” Julian replied.

And then, Daryl was kissing him. Daryl was pressing him against the wall. Daryl was pushing his boxers down. And Daryl was the one on his knees. The sight caused an uproar among the butterflies which filled Julian’s stomach.

Daryl’s inexperience with men was clear when he took Julian’s half-hard cock in his mouth. He was awkward for a moment, eyes watering and unsure until they closed. But, hell, if he wasn’t putting his all into it. It felt like he wanted to swallow Julian whole. The passion alone was arousing, but then Daryl seemed to find his footing. He started swirling his tongue and _Daryl_ actually moaned softly. Julian was clenching his jaw to stop himself from moaning – Rick was in the same damn house!

Daryl was making it incredibly difficult to stay quiet. He must have stopped thinking and just did what he liked when the roles were reversed, because he was moving with more confidence and it made all the difference. Julian was struggling to keep himself together and only part of it was seeing Daryl on his knees.

Julian gripped Daryl’s hair, trying to tug him off with a whimpered, “I’m gonna-”

Daryl did not stop, or pull away, or slow down. He gripped Julian’s hips and looked up into his eyes and Julian could not control himself. He blushed darkly and just barely managed to stifle his moan by biting hard onto his bottom lip.

Daryl leaned back and licked his lips. Julian slowly let go of Daryl’s hair, breathing heavily.

“What… the hell?” he panted.

“Ya didn’t like it?” Daryl asked, and for a moment, there may have been something like vulnerability in his eyes. It made Julian’s heart flutter.

“I did… I just… I’m surprised you did it,” Julian said softly.

Daryl shrugged. “Just wanted to touch ya.”

“With your mouth?”

“Thought you’d like it.”

“I did…”

Daryl stood. Julian reached out to touch him; to return the favor, but Daryl walked over to the door.

“You don’t want me to… do anything for you?” Julian asked just before Daryl cracked open the door and glanced out into the hallway.

Daryl looked back at him. He barely shook his head, then left the bathroom. Julian just stood there, leaning against the wall for a couple minutes as he waited for his heart to settle back into its normal rhythm.

Daryl just kept surprising him, which was confusing and making these pesky feelings worse. He wondered if maybe the best thing to do would be to put some distance between the two, or at least tell Daryl to stop kissing and touching him. But, damn, he really didn’t want that.

He liked how safe he felt with Daryl. The fact that it was Daryl he felt safe enough with to be intimate with certainly complicated things, but he wasn’t willing to give up so easily. He wasn’t going to push it. Hell, he might not even try to move things along to an emotional place – he wasn’t sure he wanted that, and he didn’t see many signs of Daryl even being capable of it. But he, also, wasn’t going to stop having fun just because he had a crush.

He’d had dozens of crushes over the years. They all went away, eventually.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a little bit of Gianna and a bit of Rick, but where the hell is Daryl?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Denise a much bigger role in this story than she had in the show, because I love her from the comics and wish her show counterpart had been given more time, not just because I liked the character, but because the actress is just one of my favorites. Anyway, I realize Denise was "in seclusion" until after Pete's death, but not in this story! Here, she's just, like, his back up, because what kind of community has two doctors and only uses one? 
> 
> Also, I preferred that Julian had fun and formed more friendships, rather than dealing with just asshole-Pete at work.
> 
> I think this is my biggest diversion from the show, so far.

#### Episode 05x14

It had been one week since they had arrived at Alexandria, and Julian was settling in like he always did. People just liked him, probably because optimism was running low these days, so finding someone like him was a rarity. It most likely also helped that he had spent the past few nights sleeping peacefully next to Daryl, so his mood during the day was improved even though it hadn’t been that bad to begin with. Even Denise commented on how he was brighter than usual, which was a great relief to her, because Pete’s mood only seemed to be souring.

Gianna showed up at the infirmary early, before she had to go start work. Julian was surprised to see her. She spent a lot of her free time with Noah lately.

“Hey,” Gianna greeted dryly as she leaned against Julian’s desk.

“Hey.” Julian smiled at her. “No Noah today?”

“They’re going out looking for some… things,” Gianna mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. “I went to tell him to be careful and he’s talking to some girl named Holly, anyway.”

“Well, Noah’s probably about eighteen and you’re around sixteen, so I’m not going to be upset that he’s not returning your crush, Gia,” Julian said as he flipped through the pages of a book Denise had given him once she had finished with it, apparently thinking he could understand it as easily as she had. His brain hurt.

“I could be seventeen by now,” Gianna responded with a pout.

“Your birthday is in the winter,” Julian mumbled. “We celebrated your sixteenth birthday this winter, meaning you’re seventeenth can’t be until next winter and I’m lookin’ for eighteen anyway.”

“Age is just a number,” Gianna argued.

Julian scoffed. “An important number.”

Gianna crinkled her nose. “You’re not my dad, you know.”

Julian laughed. “I’m certainly more like a big brother, age wise.”

“Well, you’re not my big brother either.”

“Not by blood, but let’s not pretend our relationship is any less.”

Gianna sighed and put her hand on Julian’s shoulder. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just… there hasn’t been anyone my age anywhere for a long time, you know? Everyone’s a couple years older or a couple years younger and that matters, when you’re a teenager because there’s _such_ a big difference between fourteen and nineteen. I just feel alone sometimes, okay?”

Julian looked up from his book to see Gianna frowning and looking down at the floor. Julian sighed quietly and stood. He gently lifted Gianna’s chin so she was looking at him.

“First, adjust your definition of alone. You’ve got me, you’ve made friends with Carl despite him being a few years younger than you; hell, I think Enid almost looks up to you. So, you’re not alone,” Julian said, making sure to maintain eye contact with her. “What you’re feeling isn’t loneliness. It’s a special kind of fear. See, you’re afraid that you’re never going to find that special someone that you’ve been conditioned to want to find. It was in every story fed to you as a kid, you know? Prince Charming, and all that. And I understand being afraid of not finding that.”

Gianna looked at him skeptically and he cocked an eyebrow in return.

“I am a gay man in the apocalypse, Gianna,” he said sternly. “At least you grow out of being sixteen.”

“Sorry,” Gianna sighed.

“Don’t be sorry,” Julian replied. “Think of all the people we have seen.”

“Why?” Gianna asked.

“Because there’s a lot of them, isn’t there?”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s just in this little corner of the world. There’s someone out there for you, Gianna. It may not be Noah. Hell, it’s probably not. But, there’s someone.”

Gianna slowly nodded. “You’re probably right.”

“Probably?”

Gianna rolled her eyes.

“He’s right, Gianna,” Denise said from across the room at her own desk. “You never know. Aaron and Daryl could be bringing back the love of your life.”

Julian tilted his head. “Daryl?”

“Yeah. Him and Aaron left this morning,” Gianna said.

Julian tried not to look too upset or stunned. He cleared his throat. “Daryl’s a recruiter now?”

“Yeah, he’s taking Eric’s place,” Denise said, oblivious to Julian’s disappointment. “I don’t know if it’s permanent or not.”

_He’s gone_ , Julian thought, trying not to focus on the night ahead.

“Well, I need to get to work; if I stop going to work, Deanna might try to put me in school or some shit,” Gianna said after a moment. “I just stopped by to complain and you turned that shit around, so… I’ll see you later.”

“Have fun, Gia,” Julian replied.

“You’re really good with her,” Denise said after Gianna had left the infirmary.

“I just seem to know what to say when it counts,” Julian replied. “But sometimes, even I can’t get through to her. There was this… incident a while back and she thought it was all her fault. There was not a single thing I could have said to help her – I know because I said it all.”

“How’d she get over it?” Denise wondered.

“I don’t think she did. She just doesn’t let it consume her anymore. Which, is half the battle these days,” Julian explained with a shrug.

“I don’t know,” Denise sighed. “I think that’s always been half the battle.”

Julian studied for another couple of hours before Denise sent him home once more. He argued that she had yet to let him work a full day and she said that wasn’t all that rare for them. They didn’t have an endless supply of patients. They had a small community and some days no one needed anything from them. Denise spent those days learning all she could. Julian offered to do the same and Denise still sent him home early anyway.

Julian was walking up the steps of the porch of Rick’s house when the door opened, and Pete stepped outside. Julian’s eyebrows rose in surprise as Rick’s eyes landed on him a moment before Pete turned around and saw him.

“Julian!” Pete greeted boisterously. “Denise send you home early again?”

Julian nodded. “Yeah.”

“Great!” Pete’s arm was suddenly around Julian’s shoulders in a friendly manner, but his muscles tensed anyway. He could smell alcohol radiating from Pete and, when he looked to Rick, he saw that Rick did not look happy. “Hey, Rick, I heard this guy’s like one of your kids.”

Rick gave a short nod. “That’s right.”

Julian beamed at Rick. It felt great to hear that. He’d never get sick of it.

“He’s working in the infirmary with me. Did you know that, Rick?” Pete looked over at Rick with a grin. Julian’s smile faltered. This didn’t feel right.

“Yeah,” Rick answered, looking at Pete warily.

“Don’t worry.” Pete leaned closer to Rick, his grip on Julian tightening. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Then, Pete had let Julian go and was walking away with a drunken swagger. Julian looked at Rick, raising his eyebrows. “Why do I feel like I was just threatened?”

“I don’t know,” Rick answered, watching Pete until he disappeared into his own house.

“Well… I’m going to go shoot things,” Julian said, walking past Rick to enter the house.

Julian wasn’t going to lie to himself. He was upset. He was scared, for one. Not just of the nightmares he might have that night without Daryl at his side, but also for Daryl, who was outside the walls with only Aaron as back up, and Julian hadn’t exactly seen enough of Aaron to know if he was competent or not. But Julian was also angry. Because Daryl hadn’t said anything to him about leaving. And Daryl certainly hadn’t said goodbye. Their relationship wasn’t one easily defined, but Julian had thought Daryl would at least tell him he was leaving. Shit, the pair slept side by side. They usually woke up pressed against each other. Yesterday morning, Daryl had actually been holding Julian close, nuzzled into his hair. This morning, Julian had woken up to Daryl kissing his chest and before he had even realized he wasn’t dreaming, Daryl was sucking his cock again, taking his time until Julian was ready to start begging for release.

Certainly, Daryl could have found time to explain that he wouldn’t be in Alexandria for the next few days. Which meant he just hadn’t wanted to. He hadn’t cared enough to.

“What does that mean?” Rick asked, having followed Julian up to his room where he was keeping his bow.

“Well, my plan is to go hunting, but if I only come across walkers, Sunny and I will be happy to shoot them,” Julian answered.

Truthfully, he was hoping to come across a walker or two. He thought it might make him feel better to drop a few of the undead bastards.

“Can we talk about what you told me the other day?” Rick asked as Julian took Sunny out of his closet.

“I’d certainly prefer not to,” Julian answered, awkwardly.

“I’m just tryin’ to find a way to help you, Julian,” Rick said.

“Yeah, makin’ me talk about it… not really the best way to do that.”

“Talkin’ can help.”

“Not this. You don’t talk about things like this. You don’t think about them, okay? You try to move on with your life and pray something like it never happens again.”

Rick stared, not knowing what to say. He realized it may have been dumb, to ask Julian to talk about the attack when it still made his brain freeze with rage. How was he supposed to talk calmly and coherently about this?

“Did you kill the guy?” Rick asked.

Julian stared down at his bow for a long moment before looking up at Rick. “No.”

Rick clenched his fists. “Tell me how to find him.”

Julian furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Tell me where to find him,” Rick said, tone harsh. “I’ll kill him. Then you’ll know it’ll never happen again.”

Julian shook his head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Not sayin’ it’s simple, but it’ll help, right? That’s how I can help.”

“It’s not about helping. It’s about… being here…”

Rick sighed. “Just point me in his direction, Julian.”

Julian’s shoulders straightened. “No,” he said firmly, turning and walking away.

“Julian.” Rick followed him, obviously becoming somewhat irritated, not with Julian but with the situation. “Julian. Just wait and talk to me.”

“No.”

Rick followed Julian out of the house.

“Will you at least tell me why you’ve taken to sleepin’ in the basement?”

“I like it.”

“More than a bed?”

“Yes. Okay? I got used to sleeping outside and the basement’s pretty close in its uncomfortableness.”

“You’ll get used to a bed quicker.”

“Really, Grimes, _really_?” Julian grumbled.

Rick followed Julian into the armory where he retrieved his arrows. Rick also made him take a gun, though he wasn’t thrilled with that. His whole thing was going unnoticed and shooting a gun was the opposite of that. It drew in walkers and people while scaring away animals. Guns were like the antithesis of what Julian was.

“Why wouldn’t you take the flare gun?” Rick asked as he followed Julian out of the armory.

“I don’t plan on going far enough for a flare gun to be necessary,” Julian replied.

“You shouldn’t even be goin’ out alone.”

“I’m a good fighter, Grimes – you should know that. _You_ trained me. Someone got the drop on me once, but that’s not the norm. You don’t have to constantly worry about me.”

“These are normal precautions, Julian.”

“Did you make sure Sasha had a flare gun when she left?”

“Well, no.”

Julian scoffed softly. “I’m not a kid.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you treat me like one?”

“Ain’t treatin’ you like a kid,” Rick replied. “I’m treatin’ you like someone I don’t want to lose. Someone I want to protect. And, that’s easier, if ya have a flare gun.”

Julian sighed very loudly, completely exaggerating the noise. Rick had followed him all the way to the gate. One of the Alexandrians Julian had yet to really get to know started opening the gate at his request.

“Where’s the bastard that hurt ya?” Rick asked. “Just point me in a direction.”

“This again?” Julian whined.

“This again,” Rick confirmed. It was clear his mind had never really left the topic even as they argued about other things.

Julian shook his head. “I never should have told you.”

“It shoulda been the first thing you told me.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“But-”

“But nothing, Grimes.” Julian watched the gate open, turned away from Rick and hoping the man opening the gate wasn’t paying attention to their conversation. “It’s over, okay? Let it go.”

“It’s so over you’re still havin’ nightmares ‘bout it,” Rick said to Julian’s back.

Julian slowly turned to look at him, eyes narrowed.

“I’m just tryin’ to help,” Rick said quietly. “Let me help.”

“Grimes, you keep pushing and I’m going to tell you things you don’t want to hear,” Julian warned. “So, stop pushing. Accept what you know as bad enough and don’t make it any worse, okay?”

Rick didn’t say anything. His thoughts were forming too rapidly for him to be able to voice any of them. Was there more Julian wasn’t telling him? How could it be worse? And how bad was it, that Julian told him something so bad and still decided a part of it was too terrible to be said aloud?

Julian didn’t give Rick the time he needed to think of something to say. He just turned around and walked out of Alexandria, his bow gripped tightly in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't say I agree with Julian's whole "you don't talk about these things" attitude. Sometimes, talking helps a whole hell of a lot. Sometimes, it doesn't. It depends on the person and what they're comfortable with, and there is no wrong way to heal as long as you're truly healing and not masking. That is all.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people die and some people lose their shit.

#### Episode 05x15

Julian killed three squirrels and two opossums. After the first two squirrels, he noticed a walker stumbling far behind him. He ignored it. So, by the time he was ready to retreat behind the walls, the one walker had turned into a group of four.

He didn’t want to waste arrows on them; cleaning the arrows was such an annoyance. There were a lot of grooves and corners. It was just much easier to wipe off his knives. He set down the bodies of the animals he had killed, momentarily remembering how Daryl cared so little about appearances that hours after they had been accepted into Alexandria, he was gutting an opossum on Rick’s porch. Julian laughed a little. It was just _so_ Daryl.

Julian stood still and waited until there was about the length of two cars between him and the nearest walker. Then, he threw his knife. It spun through the air like artwork before landing off-center to the right of the walker’s forehead. He pursed his lips in a near pout.

 _I can do better than that_ , he thought, grabbing his second knife. Deanna had let him keep five, but he only carried three with him – two at his belt and one on his ankle where a soldier from his first group had told him to always keep one. People expected knives and guns around waist height, the woman had said. They were less likely to search for one strapped to an ankle.

Julian scoffed loudly when his second thrown knife landed fully on the right side of a walker’s face. It did its job and killed the thing, but he used to be able to throw knives much better than this – never as well as he shot a bow, but he was a really good marksman no matter what he was aiming.

 _I’m just rusty_ , Julian decided as he knelt to grab the knife from his ankle. _Shot Sunny too often and forgot how to throw a damn knife_.

The third knife landed at the center of the third walker’s face, but he had been trying to impale it right at the nose and instead sent the blade through its mouth. With a huff of annoyance, Julian rushed forward, grabbed his knife out of the first walker, and stabbed it into the skull of the last living one.

He looked at the rotten bodies lying around him and he smiled. It was exactly what he had needed.

He returned to the news of Noah and Aiden’s deaths. He was instantly directed by Carol to the infirmary to help with an injured Tara. But he couldn’t do much for Tara. Hell, Pete was right there, and Denise stood at his side, and there wasn’t a whole lot _they_ seemed to be able to do. Julian just grabbed what they needed when they needed it. They managed to get Tara stable, but he wasn’t sure how long that would last – she seemed to have been hurt pretty badly.

On his way out of the infirmary, he saw the three squirrels and two opossums he had left outside had been removed. He hoped someone had taken them to Olivia, but he didn’t go check. He just trudged back to the house.

Gianna ran out to him before he had even reached the porch steps. She collided with him as a sob tore from her chest and she clung onto him. He hugged her back tightly. They had been through this together plenty of times before. She would need his comfort for the night. But, come morning, she’d have pulled herself together. She just needed help getting through the night.

“Come on inside,” Julian said softly, pulling her toward the porch.

“I-I just wasn’t expecting it,” Gianna cried, following Julian absently. “We’re supposed to be safe now.”

Julian didn’t say anything. He certainly hadn’t been the one who put the notion that they were safe in her head. But if that was something she had needed to believe, he wasn’t going to tell her she was naïve. He had known people who needed to think they were safe to make it through the day without breaking down. He wouldn’t put it past Gianna to need the same, at least for a little bit. Especially after what they had gone through beyond the walls. The thought that she was finally safe must have been freeing. He hated that it had been taken from her.

They sat on the couch and they just talked. Gianna talked about some of her favorite memories of Noah, like the long conversation they had about constellations on the RV on the way to Alexandria, or the night of the party when she sat with him, Maggie, Glenn, and some of the others, and finally felt like she was really a part of Rick’s group. At some point, Michonne and Maggie joined, and they started talking about Tara, too.

By the end of the night, they were all sitting there, reminiscing. Only Sasha didn’t show up. Everyone had a story of either Tara or Noah. Glenn had many of both and while it was clearly emotional to talk about it, he laughed through his tears and squeezed Maggie’s hand, honoring the memory of their lost friend and celebrating the injured one.

They fell asleep there, all in one room the way they had slept the first couple of nights in Alexandria, at least for a little while. Throughout the night, some woke and headed to their own rooms, but Gianna and Carl stayed on the couch, each leaning against one of Julian’s shoulders as the three of them slept.

Carl woke when Julian whimpered and flinched away from him, causing Carl’s head to drop from his shoulder. Blearily, Carl looked at Julian’s face to see tears falling down his cheeks.

“Julian?” Carl said loudly.

He was reaching to shake Julian’s arm when his mismatched eyes snapped open, his breathing suddenly rapid.

“You okay?” Carl asked.

Julian looked quickly at Carl. “What?”

“You’re crying,” Carl said, pointing to Julian’s face.

Julian quickly wiped his cheeks. The movement woke Gianna. She sighed as soon as her eyes fell onto Julian.

“Another nightmare?” she asked, curling her arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly.

Julian nodded.

“I’m so sorry,” she said softly.

“What was it about?” Carl asked. Gianna shook her head slightly, trying to get Carl to take the question back before Julian felt the need to answer.

But Julian just muttered, “Clowns.”

“Clowns?” Carl repeated, sounding like he didn’t quite believe it. With all the horrors in the world, who could get so worked up over clowns?

“Go back to sleep, guys,” Julian said, leaning his head back. He closed his eyes as if he was also going to get some more sleep, but in his mind, he knew it was unlikely he’d fall asleep any time soon.

And he was right. Julian sat there wide awake between Carl and Gianna until the sun was rising. He did fall asleep. But only for about forty-five minutes before he was awake again, knowing he needed to go about his business for the day and wishing Daryl hadn’t left him.

Julian rushed to get ready and get to the infirmary to check on Tara. But it didn’t seem like there was much more he could do. She just needed to heal at this point.

He still stayed for a few hours, reading books and whispering with Denise. Apparently, the whole Monroe family was handling the loss of Aiden about as well as could be expected. Which, wasn’t well at all.

Julian was walking home, pulling his hairband out of his hair, when he came across Rick standing in the middle of the street, the muscles in his jaw twitching as he looked around at all the people outside their homes.

“Grimes?” Julian called. He still couldn’t bring himself to call Rick by his first name. Before all this, he had always been Deputy Grimes. It had been easy to drop the “Deputy” but switching from last to first name was much more difficult.

Rick looked over at Julian, staring blankly past him for a moment before his eyes focused.

“You okay?” Julian asked.

“Just comin’ from Jessie’s,” Rick said distantly.

“Oh.”

“I thought of stormin’ into your house and takin’ you outta there so many times,” Rick said. “But I never did.”

Julian shrugged. “Well, it would have technically been kidnapping.”

“I should of done it,” Rick said. “How much pain would it have saved you?”

Julian shrugged. “I don’t know. If it worked and you didn’t go to jail… a lot. But you did what you could with what you had.”

“Yeah…” Rick looked over his shoulder. “Yeah.”

Rick turned around.

“Where are you going?” Julian called as Rick walked away.

Rick didn’t answer. Julian watched him until he disappeared into Jessie’s house. Julian didn’t understand what was going on between Rick and Jessie, but he knew it wasn’t nothing and he knew it wouldn’t be great, if Pete found out. He considered going after Rick, to maybe advise him against being a homewrecker, but then he just shrugged. Rick was a grown-ass man. Jessie was a grown-ass woman. They could take care of themselves.

He went into the house and made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. As he poured the water, his eyes fell on the black hairband around his wrist. He had planned to put his hair back up right away before he had gotten sidetracked by Rick.

He smiled to himself. He couldn’t help but think of Daryl and he couldn’t muster up any of the anger he’d had before. Of course, Daryl had left. They all needed a job, and, now that he was thinking clearly, Julian knew Daryl would do well in Eric’s place. He probably made Aaron safer out there too, and Julian did like Aaron a lot.

 Julian still thought it was rather shitty that Daryl hadn’t told him and hadn’t bothered to say bye, but he was more sad than angry about that now. It just proved what Daryl had been saying – he truly didn’t care about Julian.

It hurt a little more than it should have.

Julian was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of crashing glass. He walked into the living room, looking through the windows for what may have caused the noise. Then, he saw Rick and Pete. Fighting. In the middle of the street.

Julian ran out of the house. He wasn’t the only one. It seemed like everyone was running to the source of the commotion. Yet, when they reached the two men, no one moved to pull them apart. That made Julian stop, too. At least, later, when he would ask himself why he hadn’t done more to stop the fight before it got out of hand, he would blame mob mentality and the inaction of those around him.

But, truthfully, he had been afraid, and he couldn’t lie to himself about that even if he’d never admit it. It was Rick punching Pete and Pete punching Rick. Both men were much stronger than Julian. Furthermore, getting punched by Rick might cause Julian to finally unravel. So, he stood back and watched as the peacefulness of Alexandria crumbled before them.

Jessie was braver than Julian. Even as she cried, she tried to pull Pete off of Rick. But Pete punched her. Julian froze. His fear rushed to the surface until he thought it might suffocate him. He swallowed and clenched his fists. Rosita helped Jessie up and away from the fighting men.

Carl tried to step in next. But Rick shoved him back. Julian took a step away. He’d never seen Rick this way. He’d seen him angry and maybe a step away from violence but never so lost _in_ mindless violence.

Julian’s face flushed when Rick managed to get the upper hand, wrapping his arm around Pete’s neck and choking him. He’d been choked like that, before. He remembered the gasping and the straining of his lungs as they worked to take in any bit of oxygen that could reach them. He remembered thinking he was going to die with someone holding so tightly onto him, they would be able to feel his heart stop.

 Julian hadn’t begged God to save him, back then. He had silently told God to screw off if this was the life he was given and if it had been given purposefully.

The first desperate breath he had taken felt like God laughing at him. He didn’t know if he believed in God anymore, but he remembered that day vividly. Watching Rick choke Pete in the same way made Julian feel ill. He clutched his stomach and desperately wished Daryl was still in Alexandria.

Rick had changed much more than Julian had known. He felt a flicker of fear in his chest. He felt guilty for it. He felt like he should know Rick would never hurt him, but…

“Stop it!”

Deanna had finally arrived. Glenn and Nicholas followed shortly from a different direction, but Julian’s eyes were locked on Deanna.

“Stop it, right now!”

Rick threatened to kill Pete. Blatantly. Right in front of everyone. Julian glanced at Jessie. Did he really like her that much? That he would risk everything they were building here? That he would attack a man instead of… anything else? Were there really no other options, here?

There were certainly other options when Rick pulled out a gun, waving it so one second it was aiming at Deanna or Reg, the next at Nicholas, Spencer, and Tobin.

Rick began yelling about how the Alexandrians didn’t know how to survive but Rick’s people did.

“We know what needs to be done and we do it,” he said, but his logic didn’t track with Julian this time. Did he and Pete really need to beat each other bloody? Was that something Rick thought needed to be done?

When Rick declared that they needed to control who lived in Alexandria, and Deanna agreed with coldness, Julian’s heart started racing.

 _Not good_ , he thought. _She means him_.

“You mean me?” Rick managed to stutter out.

 _No, no, no, no_.

Rick was still ranting. He still had the gun in his hand. Julian couldn’t take it, anymore. Rick couldn’t kill Deanna. This community was built on her dreams. Julian ran over, placing himself between Rick and Deanna. The decision clearly struck Rick wrong as he looked at Julian like he had just been betrayed.

Julian saw Michonne walking over and thought, _Good. Maybe she can talk sense into him_. But, instead of trying to talk to Rick, she hit him on the back of his head while he was giving Julian that look of disappointment that hurt more than getting hit would have. Rick immediately fell unconscious and Julian felt like he could breathe again.

Michonne stood over Rick, looking menacing as hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize Pete had to be dealt with, but I will always believe Rick dealt with it wrong because he was so infatuated with Jessie. Apparently, Julian agrees. Big surprise.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some nice character moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this out to you guys earlier, but I got distracted during the final editing process by curling. 
> 
> It was a good match.

#### Episode 05x16

Glenn and Abraham picked Rick up and carried him away. Michonne watched them a moment before she walked over to speak with a clearly flustered Reg and a seething Deanna. Tobin and Spencer carried Pete away in the same manner Glenn and Abraham had with Rick. The divide in the community had never been clearer.

Julian wasn’t sure which group to follow. These cuts and bruises were right in his wheelhouse. And, while Pete seemed to be worse off than Rick, Julian wanted to make sure Rick was okay. He didn’t really care about Pete – he hoped the guy lived so no one could claim Rick had murdered him, but Rick was Julian’s main concern.

“Julian,” Glenn called back to him. “We’re gonna need you.”

“Right, right…” Julian cleared his throat, then followed Glenn and Abraham.

Julian cleaned and patched Rick up. He wasn’t needed after that. Denise had taken care of Pete and Julian stopped by to check on Tara, but there was still no change. So, Julian headed back home. He was exhausted after his nightmare and the short amount of time he had gotten to sleep the night before, so he curled up on the couch hoping to get in a quick, dreamless nap. Sometimes, that was the best way to handle the nightmares – to not give himself enough time to dream.

Oh, but dream, he did. But this time, it felt real. This time, it was like reliving a memory and Julian forgot. He forgot he was in Alexandria. He forgot there were a dozen people around that could protect him.

He forgot it wasn’t real.

It went on for hours. He almost passed out once but was slapped awake because, apparently, it wasn’t as much fun if he was unconscious. When he started sobbing because he couldn’t take any more, and his pleas for it to end had been ignored, fabric was shoved into his mouth to shut him up. It made it harder to breathe. He thought he was going to suffocate.

“Julian!”

He didn’t recognize the voice. He tried to turn away from it.

“Oh my God, Julian, wake up!”

Julian bolted up on the couch so quickly, he thought he pulled a muscle in his back. He groaned softly, reaching back to rub the muscle while looking up at Maggie. But it wasn’t just Maggie. Glenn, Abraham, Michonne, Carol, and Rosita were all there, staring at him.

“I was… gettin’ some sleep,” Julian muttered, looking away from the group and out the window behind the couch. It looked normal on the streets of Alexandria. “Wh-what are you all doing here?”

“Deanna has scheduled a community meeting tomorrow night, to discuss Rick’s future here,” Maggie answered. “We were just… going to plan for it.”

“Oh.” Julian rubbed his eyes. He wished they would stop staring at him. “Well, don’t let me stop you.”

“Do, um… do you have anything you want to say about it?” Glenn wondered, placing a hand on Maggie’s arm. Julian hoped Glenn would pull her back – she was standing just a few steps too close.

“Um…” Julian wiped his cheeks and shook his head. “No. Hell, I’d love to get farther away from my last group, so if we’re kicked out, I’m all for it.”

“They the reason you dream like that?” Abraham asked, pointing at Julian as if he was still asleep and thrashing around. Rosita smacked Abraham’s chest.

“I have to go,” Julian grumbled, pushing himself off the couch and squeezing past Maggie on his way out of the room.

Julian was outside and heading toward the gate when Maggie caught up with him. “Do you wanna talk ‘bout it?” she asked when she was at his side.

“No. I’ve talked too much about it already. I’m tired of talking about it,” Julian huffed, crossing his arms.

“Carl mentioned you had a nightmare last night, too.”

“So?”

“And, on the ride here, Gianna asked ‘bout your nightmares.”

“And?”

“Has it been goin’ on this whole time?”

Julian sighed loudly. “No… I didn’t have ‘em when Daryl was around, but he’s too much like a wild animal to stay in one place for long. Anyway, I just… I need a minute, okay? Thanks for comin’ after me, Maggie, I appreciate it, really, I do. But that was a bad one and I-I just…”

“Need a minute,” Maggie finished. “Alright. But you know you can talk to me and Glenn ‘bout anything, right?”

“Yeah.” Julian nodded weakly and spoke with no real conviction. “Of course. Thanks.”

That night, as Julian pushed back his blanket and crawled under it, the door to his bedroom opened. He looked over in confusion with a little bit of excitement – what if Daryl and Aaron had returned in the middle of the night and Daryl’s first instinct was to find him?

He wasn’t really disappointed when Maggie and Glenn walked in. He was just confused.

“Um…” Julian tilted his head slightly as he pulled his blanket over himself.

“Scoot over,” Maggie said, walking to the right side of the bed.

Silently, Julian slowly moved to the left. But then, Glenn was standing there. He motioned for Julian to move over, but Maggie was already crawling into the right side of the bed.

Julian ended up in the middle of the bed between Maggie and Glenn.

“What are you guys doing?” Julian asked.

“You move around a lot,” Glenn said. “We figure, you’ll wake one of us up if you’re having a nightmare. Then, we’ll wake you up.”

Julian smiled even as he shook his head. “No, guys, I appreciate that you care enough to do something as weird as this, but really, that’s not a good idea. I sometimes attack if I’m woken up.”

“You didn’t attack me earlier,” Maggie responded.

“Well, you didn’t touch me. It’s more if you touch me,” Julian muttered, knowing Maggie and Glenn were both smart enough to start piecing the truth together if they learned much more. Hell, they might already have figured him out.

“Then, we won’t touch you.” Glenn ruffled Julian’s hair. “Now, go to sleep.”

Julian slowly relaxed into the bed. Maggie slung her arm over his shoulders.

“This is awkward,” he mumbled tiredly.

“Just wait until tomorrow, when it’s Rosita and Abraham’s turn,” Glenn said before yawning.

Julian did have a nightmare. And Glenn woke him, right before it got too bad. He curled up between Glenn and Maggie feeling momentarily like a child they were protecting. He fell back asleep shortly, smiling to himself.

The next morning, Julian went to check on Rick and his injuries. He was a bit surprised to walk in and find Rick and Carol talking quietly. They both looked over to him when he opened the door, letting sunlight into the unfinished house. Carol smiled at Julian as she stood up. He wasn’t sure what he thought of her drastic shift from the woman he had seen on the road to the stereotypical housewife he saw now. Part of him thought it must be an act; that she was still the same badass as before. But he also thought it was a possibility that she had just reverted back to her natural form now that they were back in some sort of society. He wished he had known her for longer, so he knew for sure.

Carol gave him a nod and put her hand momentarily on his arm before she left Rick and Julian alone. He looked at Rick with raised eyebrows. “How are you feeling?”

Rick snorted. “Like shit.”

“Ah, well, I guess that’s the kind of thing that happens when you pick fights with people,” Julian replied.

“He’s hittin’ Jessie,” Rick grumbled.

Julian pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes. “And you thought… the best way to handle that would be to attack the guy in his home in the middle of the day?”

“No, that’s not… it didn’t happen like that,” Rick sighed. “It just spun out of control too quick. I couldn’t stop it.”

Julian shook his head. “ _You_ spun out of control, Grimes. I saw it. We all saw it. I mean, the things you said may not have been entirely untrue, but they kind of rang hollow because of the gun you were pointing at people who didn’t do anything but take us in.”

Rick glared past Julian but didn’t respond. Julian sat on the edge of the bed in order to check on the small injuries to Rick’s face. For someone, apparently, practiced in the art of hurting people, Pete hadn’t done any real damage to Rick. Just some scrapes and bruises.

“Would you have fought with Pete, if you didn’t have feelings for Jessie?” Julian asked.

“No.”

“I’m not surprised.” Julian frowned, which never looked right on his face. “You were always good at your job, but that’s all it was, most of the time. You went home to your family and you sometimes struggled with what you’d seen or what you’d done, but it was still just your job. Except for when you gave a damn about the person. Then it wasn’t a job. It was personal, and you’d go to the end of the earth if Lori let you.”

Rick sat up, listening to Julian intently.

“Jessie is sweet and beautiful and she’s a mom, which you probably find very attractive.” Julian ran his hands through his hair. “I mean, despite how it began and how much I dislike her, I hope it does work out for you guys.”

“We’re not-”

“Of course, you’re not.”

Rick sighed loudly. Julian glanced around the room, purposefully avoiding Rick’s face, before pushing himself up from the bed.

“It was smart,” Rick said quickly, before Julian could walk out. “You puttin’ yourself between me and Deanna. Makes her think you’re on her side.”

Julian rolled his eyes. “I didn’t do it for the optics. I thought you were going to kill her. And, you looked damn disappointed in me.”

“No, I was…” Rick clenched his jaw. Julian could tell because of the way his muscles twitched.

“You were what?” Julian asked curiously. If Rick hadn’t been disappointed in him… had he been angry? Or had Julian just read him completely wrong?

“You looked scared,” Rick said. “Of me.”

“Oh.”

“Were ya?”

Julian hesitated before saying, “A little, yeah.”

Rick shook his head, covering his face with his hands. After a moment, his hands slid down his face and fell into his lap. “I’d never hurt ya,” he said.

Julian nodded.

“You’re like a son to me.”

Julian considered whether or not to ask the first question that came to mind when Rick said that. It’d been something he’d wondered about his whole life. So, slowly, he asked, “Why’d you care so much about me? I get it, with Jessie. But I was just some kid when we met. Why’d you care so much?”

Rick took a deep breath and said, “You were starvin’ and hurt, and you still laughed… I thought that was worth protectin’.”

“Oh.” Julian rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… I should go check on Tara.”

“Do you really dislike Jessie?” Rick asked, frowning.

“Let’s not get into that now,” Julian replied. “Pete landed a few good punches. You’ll be fine, but you need rest.”

Rick nodded. Julian smiled at him like he really believed there was reason to smile before he left the house and headed to the infirmary.

Denise sent him home early again, but this time she had more of a reason than a lack of work – she wanted Julian to have ample time to prepare for the meeting that night, and he was thankful as he tried to decide if he should speak on Rick’s behalf, and, if he did, what he should say.

On his way back to Rick’s house, Julian stopped at Aaron and Eric’s house. After a short conversation about Eric’s ankle, which was healing so well, he probably wouldn’t even have a limp after, Julian hesitated before asking, “How long did you and Aaron usually stay out before coming back here?”

Eric shrugged. The pair were sitting at the kitchen table, with mugs of tea. Julian still thought it was crazy that he was drinking tea again. “I guess, it depended on how quickly we ran out of supplies and how far out we went. Sometimes we barely went more than ten miles. Sometimes, we went further, and it took more time to come back… it’s not an easy thing to predict.”

“Right.” Julian looked down into his mug of tea. “How are you not out of your mind with worry?”

“I trust Aaron,” Eric answered easily. “He knows how to survive out there. And he’ll do everything he can to come back to me. I still worry, but I trust him more.”

Julian bit his lip, wondering if Daryl had anyone he would do anything he could to come back to. He seemed pretty close with Rick, almost like brothers, and he seemed to love Carl and Judith like an uncle. He obviously cared deeply about Carol and, if Daryl had it in him to say something so inane, he’d probably call Glenn his best friend.

“Are you worried about Daryl?” Eric asked abruptly.

Julian looked up at Eric with a furrowed brow.

“Aaron had his suspicions,” Eric continued. Julian’s eyes widened. “From how you two act around each other. Was he right?”

Julian swallowed nervously. He wondered if anyone would catch on and it didn’t surprise him that it was Aaron who figured them out.

“Was he right?” Eric repeated excitedly.

“I guess, maybe,” Julian muttered.

“Have you two gotten close?” Eric wondered, smiling and curious like this was an afterschool special. “Are you dating?”

“Nope,” Julian mumbled. “I’m just worried about the guy.”

Eric looked a little disappointed. “Oh, well, I’m sure they’re fine. Most of the time, we were just walking around – no excitement whatsoever.”

Julian took a long drink of tea. Fifty miles away, Daryl and Aaron were trapped in a car, surrounded by walkers, all with a small “W” carved into their foreheads; a detail impossible to miss as the walkers pressed their faces against the windows of the vehicle, trying to reach the men inside.

Daryl chuckled because it felt more like him than Alexandria and there was probably something really screwed up about that. But it was also kind of hilarious.

He planned to make it out of the car, but didn’t expect to make it much further. He lit a cigarette and spared a thought for the friends and family he had left behind at Alexandria.

And he regretted, for the first time, not saying goodbye to Julian. He was going to, the morning he left. Nothing heavy, just the same simple “see ya,” he gave everyone else. But he woke to Julian smiling in his damn sleep and he just wanted to touch him. He thought Julian never would have let him, if he’d known Daryl was leaving, so he didn’t say anything, and he touched.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The community meets to discuss Rick's future in Alexandria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer than usual to get out to you guys because it required some extensive editing. I realized that, when I was writing it, I was just trying to get through this part because Daryl gets back after it, and it didn't do the episode justice. So, the wait was a little longer, but, trust me, you are getting a much better chapter.

Julian was greeted with many somber hellos when he walked into the small alcove where they were having the community meeting. He just nodded at each person, not able to stop himself from giving them all a little smile. It was nice, to be welcomed even when the situation was as precarious as the one Rick had gotten them into.

He was not angry with Rick. Just confused. Pete was hurting Jessie and Julian was well aware that, if a man was willing to hit the woman he loved, his kids probably weren’t safe either. So, yes, Pete needed to be taken care of. But Rick could have separated the couple. Rick could have locked Pete up. Rick could have let someone else handle it entirely. But it wasn’t like Julian really knew what Rick should have done, just that he probably could have done better, so he wasn’t angry.

He sat and patiently waited for Rick to appear, but as the minutes ticked by in heavy, awkward silence, Julian slowly realized Rick wasn’t going to show. It seemed like he wasn’t as worried about the meeting as the others were. Deanna realized the same thing and they began the meeting without Rick there to defend himself.

 _Well,_ Julian thought as Michonne stood. _If he won’t stick up for himself, we’ll do it for him_.

Julian listened to Michonne’s heartfelt speech and he listened to Carol’s… he wasn’t sure. She certainly didn’t come off nearly as genuine as Michonne had, but she didn’t seem like she was lying. She confused Julian on a very deep level.

He stood next, and he hesitated. He knew what to say. But he didn’t know if he wanted to say it. The more he thought about Rick getting kicked out, the more he thought about where they would go next and how far they could get and how he could finally relax. If they were further away from their last group… and if they were further away from where he’d been attacked…

Well, that was what he wanted.

But Gianna loved this place. So, he took a deep breath and said what he came to say.

“Listen, Pete was hurting Jessie and you all were either too blind to see it, or you saw it and ignored it. Rick didn’t. Now, you’re going to punish him for not standing by and letting it happen? Is that really what you want from the person charged with protecting you?” Julian asked, taking his time to glance at each of the Alexandrians, trying to make eye contact with every one of them, though a few of them were looking down. Eric met his gaze and was one of the few kind faces in the crowd. “Next time you’re in trouble, you want him to just walk away ‘cause the person threatening you is still living? And, moving on from that, can anyone answer why Pete’s not here, getting his behavior discussed, too? ‘Cause, even if you think Rick had no reason and there was nothing redeemable about what he did, his behavior wasn’t any worse than Pete hitting Jessie, right?”

Julian glanced at Deanna and realized she was glaring at him, clearly not happy with the point he was trying to make. He remembered the way she had worried that he was being hurt when they first arrived. He remembered the guilt he thought he saw in her eyes.

 _She knew,_ he thought. _She knew about Pete and let it happen._

“If that doesn’t change your mind, then… You should know, what Rick did really shouldn’t matter,” he said. “Because you think you need Pete? Trust me, you need Rick more.”

Julian, then, sat down, thinking his words may have been more effective, had Rick actually shown up like a man who cared about his possible exile.

As the rest of Rick’s group praised him in an attempt to make these people see what an asset he was, even raving mad, Julian looked at the faces around them. He wasn’t sure any of it was making an impact. Even what Deanna said, apparently relaying a message from Father Gabriel about not being able to trust Rick and his group, only seemed to cause more of them to look uncomfortable rather than decided. Julian wasn’t sure these people were capable of understanding what the world was like beyond their walls and how much a person had to compromise themselves and their morals just to survive.

Julian stood to follow Maggie when she walked away with a simple “Excuse me.” He wondered if she was going to find Rick, Glenn, or Father Gabriel. But Carol grabbed Julian’s hand and pulled him back down with a strong tug. He looked at her curiously.

Carol leaned over to whisper to him. “People like you. Stay here and keep fighting for Rick.”

Julian sighed and nodded, his shoulders slumping. It was starting to feel like a lost cause. He was now focused on what they would do when they left. They’d have to stay close because Daryl was still out there somewhere, and he would be coming back here.

But after that… after that they could leave and go as far away as possible. Then he could relax, not worrying that he’d turn around to see someone from their previous community or someone that had hurt them. They could go somewhere new and start their own Alexandria and it would be fine. As long as they waited for Daryl.

Tobin stood and started talking about just wanting to keep his family safe and Julian tilted his head in confusion. He’d had a couple short conversations with Tobin. But he didn’t know the man had a family. How many families were in this place that Julian didn’t even know about? And how lucky were these people, to still have their families intact. It was probably why Deanna was so unreasonable at the moment – she’d just experienced her first bit of loss in Aiden and she hadn’t been prepared. She hadn’t realized most of them had lost more than that long ago.

Julian remembered rushing back to his most recent foster parents’ home. He hadn’t liked either of them much, though at least they hadn’t hurt him, and he rarely spoke to them after turning eighteen, but they were what he had. He also, vividly, remembered walking inside to find his foster mother eating her husband’s face. He had still been alive, so Julian killed them both.

Tobin was still speaking when Rick arrived with a body slung over his shoulder. Julian had a horrible thought that Rick had just gone off and killed Pete. But then, Rick dropped the body onto the ground, so they could all see it was a walker – more importantly, a stranger.

Rick had always been good at making speeches; Julian had certainly heard enough of them when he was a teenager to know that much. Rick just seemed to know what needed to be said and when to say it. And he used that skill now, looking around at the crowd that had gathered to weigh-in on his possible exile.

Rick revealed that the gate had been unguarded and open. Julian couldn’t believe it – what a stupid mistake someone had made. A stupid mistake Father Gabriel had made, apparently, with the help of Spencer, who Deanna sent off as if Rick hadn’t fixed the error already.

Rick warned them that the dead and the living would always try to, and eventually succeed in, getting inside the walls.

 _They’re listening_ , Julian thought, actually feeling a bit of dread at the prospect of this working out as he looked at the terrified faces surrounding him. _We might stay._

Even as Rick said he had been wondering how many people he’d have to kill in order to save the majority, the Alexandrians were listening. They were finally hearing the truth and it seemed to be sinking in as they watched a blood-covered Rick give his speech.

 _Damn him_ , Julian couldn’t stop himself from thinking. _Damn his way with words. We’re never getting out of here_.

“Luck runs out,” was the last thing Rick said before Pete walked in, shouting about how Rick wasn’t one of them.

Julian didn’t even realize Pete was carrying Michonne’s sword until it was slicing Reg’s neck. Reg collapsed back in Deanna’s arms, making a horrible gurgling sound. Julian instantly ran toward the couple as Abraham rushed forward to pin Pete to the ground. Pete kept shouting, like it was Rick’s fault. Like Rick was the one who had just slit Reg’s throat.

Julian knew applying pressure would do nothing to slow the bleeding. The cut was too deep and at least one carotid artery had to have been severed – the cut had been nearly perfect for being an accident. Julian tried to find the severed artery, to pinch it shut until they could get Reg to the infirmary. But it was so dark and there was _so_ much blood. Julian couldn’t see anything and only succeeded in feeling Reg’s pulse stop with his fingers still searching inside the wound.

Julian slowly sat back, his hands shaking and dripping with Reg’s blood.

“Rick…” Deanna said, looking over at Rick. “Do it.”

Julian had been watching Pete when the sword met Reg’s neck. He was certain Reg’s death had been an accident. But Pete was going to kill Rick, so Julian didn’t feel bad when Rick carried out the execution, shooting Pete without hesitation.

“Rick?”

Julian looked up to see a stranger standing between Aaron and Daryl. He almost smiled. Daryl was alive. Daryl was back. So, he would have smiled, if his hands weren’t covered in Reg’s blood.

This was a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know, in the comics, Deanna and Reg are gender-swapped, becoming Douglas and Regina? 
> 
> I watched the show before I read the comics, but I'm glad I took the time to still read the comics. So much is different, it's almost like an entirely different story. (One word - Carol.) Of course, the show has a leg up on the comics simply by having Daryl. 
> 
> I tried before to get into comics, and never really could until The Walking Dead. It's just a great story no matter the form of media.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Reg and Pete's deaths. Also, Daryl is back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I've been a bit worried about this chapter. See, the character I created in Julian very much still sees himself in terms of his victimization and what he thinks, in hindsight, he could have done to escape it. So, Jessie's situation isn't one he handles well. In this chapter, specifically, he says some things about Jessie that are 100% not true. But he judges her as harshly as he judges himself. 
> 
> More on this at the end of the chapter, but just know I do not actually agree with most of what Julian says here. I just couldn't see his character reacting in any other way after the trauma of the night.

#### Episode 06x01

##### (the flashbacks only)

Julian wasn’t sure what to do. People started branching off. Abraham dealt with the bodies. Daryl walked away with Rick and the stranger. Aaron helped Eric back to the house. People just… dispersed while Julian and Deanna remained sitting on the ground next to a puddle of her husband’s blood. Julian didn’t even know where Gianna disappeared to… had she even come? He couldn’t remember anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Julian whispered to Deanna.

Deanna just looked at him.

“I know it… doesn’t help, but…” Julian pushed himself to his feet. “I don’t think he would have wanted it to be anyone else. He was… nice, like that. Brave, too.”

He was almost out of the small alcove when Deanna said, “Thanks,” very weakly.

Julian, hands still covered in blood, moved slowly toward the house. He realized he must be leaving a trail as the blood dripped from his fingertips, but it certainly wasn’t the only blood trail in the community that day.

He knocked on the door to their house with a few quick kicks, so he wouldn’t get blood all over the doorknob. A moment passed before Daryl opened the door, looking at Julian in confusion.

Julian didn’t greet him. He just pushed past Daryl and headed straight for the kitchen. Rick and the stranger were in the kitchen and, from the way it looked, Daryl had just been there, eating. His theory was proved correct when Daryl came back and focused his attention back on his bowl, eating whatever was in the bowl like no one had ever taught him basic table manners or let him know such a thing existed. Rick and the stranger were both watching Julian as he walked to the sink and washed the blood from his hands.

Julian was horrified. He couldn’t remember ever seeing a better person than Reg killed. And, when he had found Rick, he’d thought he wouldn’t have to witness another execution. Maybe that was silly of him. Maybe that was justice in this new world.

He was feeling so many things. He was angry and sad and scared. He should have just walked away when Rick cautiously said, “Julian. You okay?”

But he did not walk away.

“Reg was a good man who wouldn’t have died if you had conducted yourself better from the beginning – if you hadn’t lost control. All you had to do was talk to Michonne. All you had to do was not try to handle something like this all on your own. Then, maybe, you wouldn’t have made yourself that asshole’s enemy – though, I guess that would have happened anyway seeing as you wanna screw his wife. And, any-damn-way, you were a cop. They ever teach you to rush headlong into a situation without backup? Is that what they wanted from you, Grimes?” Julian muttered, scrubbing to get the blood out from beneath his fingernails.

He didn’t know why he brought up Jessie. She was the last person he wanted to think about. She reminded him of his mother and of himself all at once and he didn’t know which he hated more.

“Things moved quick,” Rick replied.

“I have lived with men like Pete all my life,” Julian said quietly. “Jessie was not in immediate danger of dying. You had time to figure out a better way of handling things. Next time, I hope you take it.”

_God, I really need to walk away_ , Julian thought as he shut the water off. _I’m not thinking straight_.

Julian was moving to leave the room, not caring that now his hands were dripping with water, when Rick said, “Thought you’d have more sympathy for her.”

It was the worst thing anyone could have said at that moment.

“Why?” Julian turned to face Rick. “Because she’s a grown-ass woman who chose to stay with a guy who was beating her? You think I have sympathy for that because, what? She’s just like my mom, only sober? ‘Cause she’s just like-”

He had almost said ‘just like me.’ It was a miracle, really, that he stopped himself from blurting it out and revealing to Rick that he’d let himself be beaten by someone he could have easily walked away from.

“It’s not that simple,” Rick said, tone verging on angry.

“She has kids, Rick!” Julian shouted. “Do you know how many times I wished my mom would sober up enough to give a damn and get me away from my dad? What was Jessie’s excuse?”

“Julian-”

“I was a kid! I didn’t have a choice and by the time I did, I was so far gone I would have let anyone hurt me as long as they apologized after.”

Julian’s eyes suddenly widened, because Rick wasn’t stupid and saying that was just as good as giving a detailed account of the first time his boyfriend had slammed him against a wall and punched him in the stomach.

And it truly did break Rick’s heart.

“That’s what Jessie was risking with her kids,” Julian continued weakly. “That they’d turn out like me or like their father. That’s… not okay. What she did was not okay.”

Rick was going to argue, gentler than he had before, but someone suddenly called, “Julian!” from the front of the house.

“In here,” Julian called back, his eyes still on Rick.

Eugene walked in, wringing his hands. “Need you at the infirmary,” was all Eugene said before rushing back out. Julian followed Eugene out without uttering another word.

It was surprising to walk into the infirmary to find Tara awake and Glenn and Nicholas both covered with injures and dripping with blood. Maggie was supporting Glenn and Nicholas was sitting on a bed with Rosita at his side. She had some understanding of first aid, so she tended to Nicholas while Julian handled the gunshot wound in Glenn’s shoulder. No one commented on the blood staining Julian’s shirt or the slight red tint to his fingernails.

Maggie caught Julian as he left the infirmary after he had patched up Glenn, checked on Nicolas, and made sure Tara was truly okay. He knew Denise would probably be better at it than him, but he hadn’t been surprised Eugene had come to him instead. It was about trust and while Denise was a great person, the other members of Rick’s group didn’t trust her the same way they did Julian. Not yet.

“Thank you,” Maggie said before hugging Julian.

He hugged her back, a little confused. Sure, he had helped Glenn, but that was kind of his job. And it was nice, feeling useful after failing so dramatically with Reg.

Maggie smiled at him as they separated. “I’m glad you found us,” she said.

Julian chuckled softly. Maggie could make the world seem decent with just a couple words. “Yeah… me too.”

Maggie walked Julian back to the house before returning to be with Glenn, who Julian had wanted to stay the night in the infirmary with Tara as company. He had offered to stay with them, but Rosita had already settled next to Tara for the night and said she’d keep an eye on them for him. She promised that, if anything seemed off, she would come get him.

Julian didn’t look for Rick or Daryl when he entered the house. He just went up to the bathroom and showered to finally wash all the blood off his skin – there was a big smear on his stomach that had soaked through his shirt. From the bathroom, he went to his bedroom, fell forward onto his bed, and closed his eyes.

Julian wasn’t really aware that he had fallen asleep, still just lying on top of his blanket with his head nearly a foot away from his pillow, until he was being woken up by a hand stroking his hair. Julian stretched, a small squeak passing his lips, as he turned onto his back and looked up sleepily.

Daryl stood beside the bed, looking down at him.

“What’re you doing?” Julian mumbled through his sleepiness.

“Was waitin’ for ya,” Daryl replied.

“What?” Julian rubbed his eyes.

“Why ain’t ya sleepin’ downstairs?” Daryl asked.

“Oh, I’ve been sleeping here. You should have seen me yesterday, snuggled between Maggie and Glenn.”

“What?”

“So they could wake me up when I had my nightmare. I think they said Abraham and Rosita were supposed to come tonight, but Rosita’s watching the infirmary and Abraham’s burying people. Anyway, I’m sleeping up here.”

Julian wasn’t sure how, exactly, Daryl went from standing over him to lying on top of him so quickly, but he didn’t have time to understand the physics of how Daryl moved so fast so quietly before Daryl was kissing him.

He would have allowed it, any other day. This day, he pushed against Daryl’s chest and mumbled, “Stop.”

Daryl grunted dejectedly and crawled off Julian, sitting on the bed beside him.

“It’s been… such a shitty day,” Julian said, tears forming in the corners of his eyes and sounding heavy in his voice. “Why didn’t you come back a different day?”

“Almost died,” Daryl said.

Julian sat up instantly. He started touching Daryl anywhere he could reach, checking for injury. “What? Are you okay? Why didn’t you come to the infirmary?”

“I’m okay,” Daryl said, though he let Julian’s hands continue to skim over his arms and chest. “Morgan saved us.”

“Morgan…” Julian dropped his hands to rest on his own lap.

“Yeah – the guy who watched ya tear inta Rick,” Daryl said, his fingers carding through Julian’s damp hair.

“I may have gone too far,” Julian admitted, closing his eyes and loving the feeling of Daryl’s touch. It was just so gentle. It was nothing like what he was used to. “I just… I’ve always hated women like Jessie.”

“It ain’t Jessie’s fault Pete hit her,” Daryl said.

“No, but she could have left.”

“And go where?”

“There are a lot of empty houses here.”

“Would it’a stopped your dad from findin’ ya to just move ya a few houses over?”

Julian chewed on his bottom lip. “No.”

“Why would it stop Pete, then?” Daryl wondered, and Julian sighed.

“I didn’t know you were smart, Dixon,” Julian said.

Daryl said nothing, looking down at Julian and the way his silky hair wrapped around his fingers. Julian closed his eyes and just enjoyed having Daryl back.

He flinched at the suddenness of Daryl’s voice, when, at least ten minutes later, he said, “I missed ya.”

Julian slowly opened his eyes. “You didn’t even tell me you were leaving.”

“I know.”

“But you missed me?”

Daryl hesitated before saying, “Missed wakin’ up next to ya.”

Julian reached for the hand that wasn’t in his hair. Daryl didn’t move it, which Julian half expected. Instead, Daryl allowed Julian to take his hand and lace their fingers together.

“I missed you, too,” Julian sighed softly.

Daryl’s lips twitched momentarily into something that was almost a smile. Julian grinned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would have thought Daryl would be the voice of reason?
> 
> Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult and statistics show that victims of domestic abuse are in the most danger when they try to leave, and they aren't trying to leave during a lawless, zombie apocalypse. I don't know how else to say it, but Julian is wrong and it comes from his own experiences and what he views as his own failures. 
> 
> I realize I might be sounding too preachy here or something, but I don't want anyone who has experienced domestic abuse, or knows someone who has, to think that I view them the same way Julian sees Jessie.
> 
> Also... happy Valentine's Day? lol


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is calm in Alexandria, for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. A lot of edits in this chapter and a lot in the next. Sorry for the wait. Those of you who have been around since I was posting twice day were probably pretty confused. 
> 
> We aren't far from the end of this story, so I thought I'd let you know I'm still working on a part two, but this one took about four months to write and it was my only project. It might take a while to get the second half out. If you're interested, you can follow me on twitter. I haven't posted anything, but, you know, if anyone actually cares I can try to keep you updated, since I'm not sure this site has a way to communicate outside of notes in a story. Anyway, my Twitter is really simple - @metallicfey.

As Julian slowly woke, he realized there was a hand in his hair. His heart started beating harder as he, in his sleepiness, forgot who that hand belonged to. But, a moment later, the cozy bed and the comforting smell of Daryl reminded him that he was okay. There was no danger here, in this room. Especially not with Daryl… beneath him?

Julian sleepily sat up. He had been sleeping in Daryl’s lap as Daryl sat with his back propped against the headboard. He didn’t remember moving into that position but wasn’t surprised that he had. He loved cuddling with Daryl. Which, was new. He’d never been a big fan of cuddling in the past, especially without having sex beforehand. But, being so close to Daryl just made him feel safe. And that was a feeling worth holding onto.

“Ya okay?” Daryl asked, looking at Julian with something in his eyes that could have been concern. But also, could have been annoyance. It was so hard to tell with this guy.

Julian nodded. “Yeah. Just surprised you’re still here.”

“Locked the door,” Daryl said, looking past Julian at the bedroom door.

“Smart,” Julian replied. “If Rick found us like this, he’d probably kill you.”

Daryl grunted with a smirk. Julian looked out the window to see it was still dark. He had thought he was waking up to start his day when he saw Daryl awake. But it had to be the middle of the night and now he wondered why Daryl wasn’t also sleeping.

“Are _you_ okay?” Julian asked.

Daryl looked at him for a long, silent moment. Julian was slowly getting more and more worried about what he was thinking. He wished he could read something on Daryl’s face but all he could tell was that Daryl was not about to kiss him, which was also worrying because Daryl almost always looked like he wanted to kiss him.

“Can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout how ya told Rick somethin’,” Daryl finally said.

“I’ve told Rick a lot,” Julian muttered, instantly knowing what Daryl was talking about and dreading this.

He wondered if Daryl needed to know. He wondered if Daryl deserved to know. They had entered into some weird pseudo-relationship already, with the kissing and the touching and the sleeping side by side like it was the most natural thing in the world. Did Daryl need to know, so he wouldn’t accidently hurt Julian or trigger some trauma? Did he deserve to know how messed up Julian really was over what had happened before they went any further?

“Somethin’ that pissed him off,” Daryl replied. “Can only imagine a few things that woulda made him so angry.”

Julian was silent, staring into Daryl’s eyes as he wrestled with himself. What if Daryl was disgusted? What if Daryl never wanted to touch him again? Daryl’s hand landed softly on Julian’s cheek and he leaned into the touch, wondering if he’d lose this.

“Can only think of a few things that could give ya those nightmares,” Daryl said.

Julian swallowed nervously.

_This is it_ , he thought. _I’m going to lose him, and I don’t even know if I have him_.

“Daryl, I-”

The doorknob rattled. Julian looked over with wide eyes, both relieved and terrified. Thankfully, Daryl hadn’t been lying. He had locked the door.

“Holy shit,” Julian muttered, quietly removing himself from Daryl.

There was a gentle knock on the door. “Julian?” Maggie called softly.

“Shit, hide,” Julian whispered, wildly motioning to the closed closet door.

Daryl didn’t go into the closet. Maggie knocked again as Daryl slipped out of the window, never mind that they were on the second floor. When Julian grabbed his shirt to try to stop him, Daryl pulled him close and kissed him deeply until Maggie said, “Jules?”

“Coming,” Julian called back, looking out the window and watching until Daryl was on the ground. He had done that surprisingly easily and Julian wondered just how many windows he had crawled out of.

Julian rushed to the door and opened it, rubbing his eyes like he had just been woken up. “Maggie?” he asked. “Is Glenn okay?”

“Oh, he’s fine,” Maggie said with a smile. “No, it’s just, I had a nightmare, and it made me remember your nightmares and that Rosita was in the infirmary and I didn’t think Abraham would remember without her to remind him and, even if he did, I wasn’t sure he’d show up. Looks like I was right.”

“I appreciate it, but I think the nightmares are over,” Julian said, though he had been sleeping with Daryl beside him, so he wasn’t sure if that was true or not. He certainly felt more at peace than he had in a while.

Maggie looked apprehensive as she smiled. “Good, good, then… I’ll go back to Glenn.”

“Do you want to talk about your nightmare?” Julian wondered before she could walk away.

Maggie bit her bottom lip softly before she said, “It was ‘bout my family. I’ve just… lost all of them, you know?”

Julian nodded and stepped out of the way to invite Maggie into the room. They sat on the bed and Maggie talked like she had needed to talk for years but had been too wrapped up in the chaos around her to do so. She told Julian about her father; how he had thought the walkers were still people for so long and how broken it made him, and her, to realize they weren’t. That brokenness went away, she said, thanks to Rick and Glenn. She talked about her sister. How she had a beautiful singing voice and how she hadn’t been sure she could live in this world, but she ended up being so strong when she needed to be. She still cared about people, Maggie said, which wasn’t always easy. It was something she saw also in Glenn and she loved it. She loved, and she was afraid to lose what she loved. And in her nightmare, she had relived those losses and lost more. Julian let her lean on his shoulder and he just listened. That was what she needed.

By the time she stopped talking, he had learned almost everything the group had gone through since they left the Greene farm so long ago – what they had been through to be sleeping in Alexandria that night.

“We can’t keep them forever,” Julian said softly as the sun started to rise. He saw Gianna’s face in his mind. “But that’s always been part of life. We just have to treasure the time we have with them.”

“Yeah…” Maggie sighed. “I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so glad we found you.”

Julian chuckled softly. “Not half as glad as I am. It was just me and Gianna for a long time and we both needed more than that.”

“Do you think you’d ever leave us, the way you left your last group?” Maggie asked with concern in her voice that Julian couldn’t help but smile at.

“No,” Julian said, thinking of Maggie and Rick and Daryl. Even if they turned into bad people, Julian wasn’t sure he would be able to leave them, and they were just his favorites. He also couldn’t imagine leaving behind Eric or Glenn or even Carol. They all meant the world to him now, which was new, because his world had just been Gianna for so long. “I think you’re stuck with me.”

Maggie laughed. “Good.”

Maggie left a little later to go check on Glenn. Julian slept about an hour more before he made his way downstairs, where he found Carl eating breakfast.

“Hey, kid,” he greeted.

“Hey. You just missed Gianna,” Carl responded.

“I wasn’t looking for her, but thanks. How are you dealing with everything that happened yesterday?” Julian asked, pouring himself a glass of water.

“I’m fine,” Carl said, and it didn’t sound like a lie. The kid hadn’t let what happened affect him despite his dad executing his friend’s dad who had tried to kill him.

“Maybe it’s a blessing, that you’ve grown up in this mess,” Julian mused absently. “You’re better able to handle the horrible things that happen.”

“It doesn’t sound like your childhood was puppies and rainbows either,” Carl replied, bringing a smile to Julian’s face.

“Well, I can definitely take a punch better than you,” Julian said.

Carl almost looked like he didn’t believe it and Julian wouldn’t blame him. He certainly didn’t look like the strongest of people, but he’d had plenty of practice. Either way, Carl didn’t choose to challenge his assertion.

“Where’s your dad?” Julian asked, thinking he probably owed Rick an apology for the day before.

“I don’t know,” Carl admitted, looking around like Rick might actually be in the same room as them and they just hadn’t noticed.

“What are your plans for the day?”

Carl just shrugged.

“Nice talking to you, kid,” Julian chuckled.

Julian headed over to the infirmary where Denise quickly sent him to check on Morgan – she had meant to do it earlier but got caught up with Tara. As far as Julian could tell, Denise meant she and Tara had spent all morning talking.

Although the unfinished townhouse was kind of a makeshift holding cell, Julian still knocked. Morgan called for him to come inside, so Julian did. He walked into the building and found Morgan sitting in one of the rooms, remarkably calm for all that had happened.

“Hi,” Julian greeted as he walked into the room. “I’m Julian, certified E.M.T. here to make sure you’re not secretly dying. Any injuries?”

Morgan smiled and pointed toward Julian’s face. “Rick told me about you. Did he tell you about me?”

Julian shook his head, leading Morgan to explain how he and his son found Rick after he had woken up from his coma in the middle of an apocalypse. Julian didn’t ask where Morgan’s son was – his absence was answer enough.

“And he told you about me?” Julian asked curiously.

“He considered going to your house, to see if you made it out, but… well, he said you weren’t much of a fighter,” Morgan explained.

“No, but I sure as hell am a survivor,” Julian replied with a grin. “So, no injuries?”

“No injuries,” Morgan confirmed with his own smile, holding his arms out so Julian could clearly see his torso.

“Good, then I can try to find Rick,” Julian said. “I may have a few things to apologize for.”

“A few,” Morgan agreed. “But not all.”

Julian raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“You said some stupid things, kid,” Morgan stated. “But you were right about some other things. Rick needs people like you, and me, reminding him that killing isn’t the answer to every problem.”

“Well… it’s the answer to some problems.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Julian thought about everything he and Gianna had been through. He thought about everything Maggie had told him they had been through. “I don’t know,” Julian said as he backed away from Morgan. “I’d like to think you’re right, but I don’t think you are.”

Morgan smiled at him. “We shall see.”

Julian checked on Nicholas and he checked on Glenn and everyone was healing just fine. Though, Glenn and Nicholas would certainly be sore for a couple weeks. He didn’t believe the story Glenn had given about fighting off walkers together. Their knuckles were bloody like they had beaten each other, and Nicholas seemed like a completely different person; meek now where he used to be arrogant. But, if they weren’t going to explain it themselves, Julian would just let it be. He wasn’t the type of person to pry.

On a last-minute whim, he stopped by Aaron and Eric’s home. Eric’s ankle was doing really well, and Julian worried it wouldn’t have been healing so perfectly without Pete’s expertise. He really liked Denise, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure she was capable of replacing an actual surgeon with experience. Julian certainly wasn’t capable of doing much more than he already was, no matter what Denise tried to teach him.

Rick was the one who found Julian. He was walking back to the infirmary simply because he didn’t know what else to do with himself and he wasn’t exactly good at doing nothing.

“Julian,” Rick said, approaching from the right.

Julian turned to him with a natural and easy smile. “Hey, I was looking for you.”

“You were?” Rick asked.

“Yeah, just wanted to, you know, apologize for the things I said about Jessie, yesterday,” Julian said, scratching the back of his neck. “Daryl, of all people, pointed out that it probably wasn’t as simple as just moving houses for Jessie. I… definitely made it more about me than her and her family. I just… I was shaken, Rick, and I shouldn’t have said all I said about her. I still don’t think you handled the situation very well, but it was also shitty of me to imply you got Reg killed. That was all Pete.”

Rick looked at Julian just dumbfounded for a moment.

“You’re not used to people actually apologizing to you, are you?” Julian asked.

“Just… didn’t think you needed to apologize. I know perfectly well what was goin’ through your head. You said some dumb things, but you weren’t sayin’ it all to be mean. You were just…”

“Triggered.”

Rick looked at him curiously.

“The whole thing with Pete and you messed with my head, then I literally felt Reg bleed out and I just… I wasn’t in a mood to be compassionate,” Julian explained.

“It’s okay, Julian,” Rick assured him.

“It’s not. I was pretty dick-ish, telling you that you lost control while I was currently out of control.”

“The irony was not lost on me.”

Julian laughed.

“Are you doin’ better now?” Rick asked.

Julian nodded. “Yeah, I’m thinkin’ clearly again.”

“Good, good,” Rick patted Julian’s shoulder. “I’ve got to go outside the walls with Morgan.”

“Need an extra bow?” Julian asked.

“No, we’re just buryin’ Pete,” Rick answered like it was nothing.

Julian looked at Rick questioningly.

“We’re not buryin’ killers inside the walls,” Rick explained.

“Oh.” Julian frowned. He decided not to point out that, by this point, basically everyone Rick loved was a killer. Instead, he focused on the family he had trash-talked the night before. “And… you’re not takin’ Jessie or his kids?”

“Why would I?”

“Pete was an asshole, but he mattered to them.”

Rick shook his head. “It’s too dangerous to take ‘em.”

“You’re probably right about that…. Just be careful out there, okay?”

Julian waited for Rick to respond, but Rick was just staring at him with his eyes narrowed. Julian shoved his hands into his pockets. “You got something you wanna say, Grimes?”

“What’d you mean, yesterday, when you said you were so far gone, you’d let anyone hurt ya, if they just apologized after?” Rick asked.

Julian raised an eyebrow. “You remember that, huh? Basically… word for word, which totally isn’t weird.”

“Can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout it,” Rick confirmed.

"Yeah, I seem to have that effect on people lately," Julian sighed loudly. This was something he had hoped to never tell Rick. “So, um… you remember that boyfriend I got, shortly after high school?”

“Robert?” Rick remembered, for some reason.

“Yeah, well… you know, he wasn’t as good of a guy as I let you think,” Julian admitted, looking past Rick because looking at him would be too much.

“He hurt you?”

“He hit me a few times, yeah.”

“You were… still with him, when I got shot.”

Julian nodded. It had been a tumultuous relationship that ended and began more times than he had been comfortable telling Rick. But it didn’t really end until Robert got bit by a walker on the shoulder very early on and Julian had to put him down.

Rick’s hand landed heavy on Julian’s shoulder. Julian finally looked into Rick’s eyes and saw nothing but affection.

“Never accept that again, Julian,” Rick said. “You’re worth so much more.”

“You really think I’m going to find a boyfriend now?” Julian chuckled, trying to bring humor to the intense conversation.

To Julian’s relief, Rick smiled. “I have no doubt. But that doesn’t mean I’ll like him.”

Julian grinned, thinking of Daryl. It was silly, but Daryl had said he missed him. Daryl had stayed with him almost all night for no reason other than to be near him. That meant something, right? It had to.

“I’ll let you know when we get back, alright, kid?” Rick asked, squeezing Julian’s shoulder gently.

Julian nodded. “Yeah.”

Rick patted his shoulder before walking away.

Julian turned away from the infirmary. He didn’t have a destination in mind, but he wanted to be alone with his thoughts for a moment and he couldn’t do that with Denise and Tara still there.

The last thing he had been planning on doing was going home to a house empty of everyone except Daryl. He certainly didn’t mean to end up having sex with Daryl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the biggest change I've made (besides adding in two characters) is giving Denise more of a role earlier on, which means her relationship with Tara starts a little sooner. It's not a big deal, but I wanted to acknowledge it.


	26. Chapter 26

After arriving home and realizing there was absolutely nothing to do but maybe relax for a minute, Julian walked into the bathroom and took his shirt off before he had closed the door because there was an amazing bathtub right there in front of him and he’d taken nothing but showers. He saw Daryl walk by and Daryl just naturally, barely, glanced in, because the door was open, and, at some point, he had gotten used to glancing into open doors and expecting something to run out at him. But no one ran out. Instead, Julian was standing there shirtless with his jeans unzipped.

“Never learn to close a door?” Daryl muttered, reaching for the doorknob.

Julian didn’t hesitate. How many more chances would they have? “Wanna join?”

So, Daryl stepped into the bathroom before closing the door.

Julian finished undressing without looking at Daryl. He turned the water on and was about to place his hand beneath it to check the temperature when Daryl caught his wrist and turned him to face him. Julian looked up at him curiously, noting that Daryl hadn’t taken any of his own clothes off.

Daryl’s eyes roved over Julian’s body as his hands stroked his sides before landing on his hips. Julian whimpered softly at the touch, leaning toward Daryl’s body, really wishing Daryl had taken his clothes off so their skin would be touching.

Against his instinct, and because of the hungry look in Daryl’s eyes, Julian didn’t turn his face away when Daryl surged downward to crash their lips together.

Daryl’s breathing quickly became unsteady, his hard cock pressing through his pants against Julian. And Julian _wanted_. He wanted it so badly. It had been so long since he had even felt like this, wanting someone to touch him again. To be inside him again. He needed it. He didn’t think it would make him feel whole, but maybe it was just important to feel like this again.

He pushed Daryl away, so they could both breathe properly once more. He stroked Daryl through his jeans, earning himself a tighter grip on his hips and a moan that somehow seemed to be grunted. “You ever have sex with a guy?” Julian asked.

Daryl shook his head, his eyes locked on Julian’s lips.

“Well, you’re gonna have to be more cautious than usual, okay? Especially without lube. I’ve never even-” Julian stopped talking when Daryl just turned away and walked out. Julian furrowed his brow and waited, glancing at the slowly filling bathtub.

Daryl returned with a small bottle of lube and Julian didn’t have time to ask where he’d gotten it from, really hoping he hadn’t stolen it from Glenn and Maggie, because Daryl turned him toward the sink and bent him over the counter.

Julian had a sinking feeling that Daryl didn’t want to look at his face. That feeling was quickly chased away by Daryl’s slick finger slipping inside him.

Julian gasped and gripped the counter, biting his lip softly. He hadn’t expected this. He had been fully expecting to prepare himself.

Daryl never took his clothes off. His pants came down just enough for his cock to be freed, and this only happened a moment before he slipped on a condom and lined himself up after a good fifteen minutes of slowly fingering Julian. Julian kept glancing into the mirror directly in front of him to find Daryl practically studying his body; the way he would twitch when Daryl slipped his fingers in as deep as they would go and the way he was shaking by the time Daryl finally thought he was ready.

Julian was biting his lip hard, this time to stop himself from begging for Daryl to hurry up. He didn’t know if Daryl was enjoying this or just trying to make sure he didn’t cause Julian any pain, but he felt overly sensitive and close to orgasm already when Daryl finally pushed inside him.

It was almost clumsy, and it certainly was as passionate as he had been expecting. Daryl leaned down to press his chest against Julian’s back. He kissed Julian’s neck and nibbled on his earlobe. Julian just tried to keep himself silent in case anyone else had come home.

For all the passion and hunger in Daryl’s touch, he was surprisingly gentle. Julian wasn’t sure he’d ever been with anyone who took such care to not hurt him. The feeling of being safe with Daryl when at his most vulnerable was more of a turn on than he would have ever guessed, and he reached his climax before Daryl finished as well due to Julian’s muscles tightening around him.

Daryl held onto him, still inside him. Julian kept his cheek pressed against the counter, waiting for his heart to return to normal and his breathing to steady.

Daryl kissed his neck again before gently pulling out. Julian remained braced against the counter, not trusting his legs to hold him if he tried to straighten up and move away. But Daryl had other plans, supporting Julian and turning him around. Daryl kissed him, and Julian kissed back clumsily. It was their shortest kiss yet. Daryl ended it, tucked himself back into his pants, and left the bathroom without a word.

Julian stared after him for a moment, very confused. He had planned on taking a bath together, before, during, or after sex. Instead, he bathed alone, trying to work through Daryl’s thought process – trying to convince himself this hadn’t meant nothing.

He’d said he missed Julian. Why would he say that if he still didn’t care about him? But who just left after sex with someone they cared about? Who just left without saying anything at all?

Why was Daryl so damn hard to figure out?

Julian would have liked to just relax after his bath, and he sure as hell stayed in that tub until his fingertips were nothing but wrinkles, but a community meeting was called. He was certainly nervous, as he walked into Deanna’s house and stood next to Eric and Aaron, after the way the last town meeting had ended. His nerves weren’t calmed when Rick informed Alexandria that there was a massive herd of walkers basically on their doorstep.

What boggled his mind was that some of these people, including the newly returned Heath, already knew about the ravine of walkers – though, from what Heath said, it hadn’t been nearly as massive when he last saw it. It made sense, now, how the community survived with so little contact with the walkers. It also made sense that Rick wanted to deal with it before one of the pathways opened and led the walkers right to Alexandria.

_This should scare me more_ , he thought as Rick walked through his plan, as simple and unformed as it was. It wasn’t like Julian was nonchalant about the herd. The thought of so many walkers in one place was a terrifying one. But, walkers died easily. Walkers were dumb, following a base instinct. They could be dealt with. He’d rather be confronted with a herd of walkers than a handful of strangers.

And then, Rick declared Daryl would be leading the walkers away. Julian felt his stomach drop as he looked over at Daryl, sitting silently in a windowsill.

Daryl’s eyes flickered toward Julian, but there was no emotion in his expression. He might not have even meant to look at him.

It was only a slight relief when Sasha and Abraham volunteered to go with Daryl. Daryl not being alone was a comfort, but it was still probably the most dangerous part of the plan and he would be right there. Daryl might not make it back from this one.

As a man named Carter continued arguing with Rick about whether or not they really needed to do this, Julian realized everyone leaving for this may not make it back. He looked at Rick and Glenn and Michonne and Daryl and Abraham and Sasha, and Julian felt ill.

He had forgotten about this part of being in a community – the constant worry. The knowledge that someone would eventually be lost because there were just too many. Keeping everyone alive was simple when it was two people moving from place to place. It was a lot more complicated when it was dozens of people. Hell, it was impossible. It was impossible that all these faces would make it back.

As he was walking out, Gianna appeared at Julian’s side and wrapped her arm in his. “Hi,” she greeted, looking at him with a slight smile. “I’m surprised you didn’t volunteer to help lead the walkers away.”

“I plan to, but it’s gonna be tough, I think, convincing Rick to let me,” Julian responded. “I decided it’d be best to ask him in private, so he doesn’t treat me like a kid in front of everyone.”

“I hope he says no,” Gianna admitted. “It seems dangerous.”

“It seems very dangerous,” Julian agreed, thinking of all the people they would be risking. Daryl and Rick would be right in the middle of it.

“How long do you think it’ll take? To plan and everything?” Gianna wondered.

“I don’t know. Rick seems to be in a hurry. I’m just glad he’s actually trying to form a plan rather than rushing headlong into it the way he did with Pete.”

“Well, this is a bigger deal than Pete was.”

“More people could certainly die.”

“Maybe… if there’s time, I could, like, plan a big meal or something, right?” Gianna asked nervously, like Julian would tell her it was a stupid idea, especially after the way the first party in Alexandria had gone.

Julian thought it over for a moment. From what he had gathered, Rick was going out tomorrow to survey the route they would be taking with the herd. So, that was at least one day.

“Talk to Rick – see how much time he’s thinking we have before this happens. I bet you’ll at least have two days, so start planning,” he said.

Gianna jumped a little in her excitement. Julian grinned at her, so thankful for these moments. She had never been this happy before. These people and this place were _so_ good for her.

“I’ll go out tomorrow and do some hunting for you,” Julian said, unable to stop himself from trying to help her.

“Oh, that’s what I was hoping for!” she cheered, drawing Daryl’s attention to the pair as he stomped past them. “Do you think you’ll be able to find a deer?”

“I will track down the last living cow if that’s what you want,” Julian replied.

“Great! Thank you so much, Jules! This is going to be great,” Gianna said, excitedly, before rushing off to Carol’s side.

Julian imagined she was going to start begging Carol to make cookies for the dinner.

Rick stayed behind at Deanna’s house with Carter, Michonne, Heath, Deanna, Eugene, and Morgan. From afar, Julian watched as they spread a map out in front of them. He figured they would be planning for a while, so he headed back toward the house.

When he saw Carl on the porch, he grinned and called, “Hey, you wanna learn to shoot Sunny?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In editing this chapter, I created an extra chapter.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl's not great with communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, oh no.  
> I haven't watched the latest episode yet.   
> I'm, like, dreading it.   
> Already heartbroken.   
> Genuinely avoiding watching it.   
> So, here's the next chapter.

Julian spent two hours teaching Carl how to shoot his bow and Carl was annoyed he didn’t get to start off continually shooting arrows into the side of the empty, unused barn Julian had led him to. But it took a while to correct Carl’s stance and get him used to the movement behind pulling the string back and aiming. Carl’s knowledge with a gun certainly helped with his aiming, but shooting a bow was a different beast. It took much more muscle to pull the string back again and again and again.

About forty minutes before calling it for the day, Julian let Carl start shooting actual arrows. And Carl was pissed, for only a moment, when Julian burst out laughing at his first arrow, which flew about five feet before plopping down into the ground and falling over. Then, Carl laughed too, and Julian corrected what he was doing wrong. The next three arrows each went further than the last until the fourth thudded into the side of the barn.

“You’ll be sore as shit tomorrow,” Julian warned as they walked back to the house with Carl rubbing his bicep already.

“Yeah, but a bow’s a good weapon to have,” Carl replied. “For when you need to be quiet.”

“It’s only a good weapon if you don’t miss,” Julian said. “And until you run out of arrows.”

Carl didn’t respond, and when Julian looked over he realized it was because Carl’s attention had been drawn to Enid, who was walking quickly toward someone’s backyard in a way that made it seem like she didn’t want to be noticed.

“I’ll meet ya at home,” Carl said before dashing off after Enid.

Julian shook his head. Rick wanted Pete’s widow and Carl wanted Ron’s girlfriend. It was quite the family he found himself to be part of recently.

_Oh well,_ Julian thought. _Can’t control who you have feelings for._

When Julian returned to the house, he found Rick with the hopes of being able to convince him to let Julian join the upcoming fray. Rick was holding Judith in the living room and Julian wondered if he was spending time with his daughter in case he didn’t make it back.

“Hey,” Julian said, kind of awkward since the last time they talked he had revealed one of the few secrets he kept from Rick.

“Hey, kid,” Rick greeted, none of that awkwardness reaching him.

“You gonna let me go wi-”

“Nope.”

Julian sighed loudly. “Come on.”

“You’re staying here,” Rick demanded.

“And that’s it? There’s no discussion?” Julian asked, trying to remain calm. He was used to Rick being overprotective, but Rick never had the ability to actually stop him from doing something before.

“That’s it,” Rick confirmed.

“You’re taking people who aren’t even half as good at killing dead things as me,” Julian argued.

"Don’t care,” Rick replied. “Ain’t takin’ you, Julian.”

“You acting like this would be acceptable if you were going to take out another community or something, but this is what I’m good at, man,” Julian groaned. “I’m great with herds. I’ve made it through, like, four.”

Daryl walked in. Without hesitation, Daryl walked over and took Judith from Rick’s arms like she was his daughter. Rick didn’t seem to mind, his eyes remaining locked with Julian’s.

“Carl’s staying behind, too,” Rick said.

“Carl’s a kid,” Julian scoffed. “It makes sense to leave him behind.”

“You’re staying, Julian,” Rick said, tone stern.

“But-”

“Ya heard ‘im,” Daryl suddenly snapped.

Julian glared at Daryl. After being left unceremoniously after sex, he definitely wasn’t in the mood for Daryl to be talking down to him.

“You’re stayin,” Daryl said.

“You know what, screw you guys,” Julian responded bitterly. “You leave me here alone and I’m gonna seduce Spencer,” he added, knowing it would make Rick uncomfortable and hoping it would bother Daryl.

“No one likes a whore.” Daryl didn’t sound angry when he said it. He sounded like it was just part of the conversation and he didn’t actually care if Julian went off and screwed Spencer.

Rick, however, sounded furious when he practically snarled, “Daryl!”

Julian could have prevented the verbal beating Daryl was about to receive from Rick with a few placating words. But, he didn’t. He just turned and walked out before anyone could say anything else. Because it hurt like hell. Daryl calling him a whore, after treating him like a whore he could use and discard, hurt way more than Julian was ready for and he needed to get away quickly, before Rick or Daryl noticed.

He didn’t speak to Rick again that night. But Daryl showed up in his room just as he was crawling beneath his blanket, prepared for a restless night’s sleep.

“Shouldn’t of said what I said,” Daryl mumbled as he locked the door.

“Whatever. If you came here for another go at it, you can turn around right now,” Julian said, turning on his side so his back was facing Daryl, who inched slightly closer. “We’re not doin’ it twice in one day – I’m too sore for that nonsense.”

_Not to mention angry_ , Julian thought, though he wouldn’t admit that. He didn’t need Daryl knowing just how much his stupid little crush had grown.

“Did I hurt you?” Daryl asked, the concern in his voice causing a warm, fuzzy feeling to fill Julian’s limbs.

Julian knew it shouldn’t make him happy, but Daryl’s disappointment at just the notion of physically hurting him was comforting. And, Daryl didn’t even know what Julian had been through. He was just a good guy.

_I’m angry at him_ , Julian reminded himself unhappily. _He’s an asshole._

Still, Julian couldn’t help but smile. “Not really. Not during. It’s just… the general soreness you get after having someone’s dick in you, okay? I’m not a woman. My body’s not, you know, made for that kind of thing. I mean, it likes it, but it’s not made for it.”

Daryl didn’t say anything. Julian turned slightly back toward him to see what he was doing. Daryl was staring at him, looking like he was thinking hard. Slowly, Daryl walked toward the bed.

“Thought I was careful,” Daryl mumbled. “Tried to be, anyway.”

“Are you not listening? It’s nothing you did. You honestly couldn’t have done more to prevent it. I mean, none of the guys I…” Julian rubbed his hand over his face. Daryl sat beside him, barely perched on the edge of the bed. “It’s rare for anyone to care if I’m in pain. And, you know, sometimes, a little pain isn’t a bad thing. I’m not like, a kinky bastard or anything, but I’ve enjoyed a good-”

“You’re talkin’ too much,” Daryl said quickly.

“Sorry.”

“How many guys you been with?”

Julian’s eyes widened. “What? Why are you asking that shit? Screw off, Dixon.”

“Just, Rick said-”

“I can guess what Rick said,” Julian snapped. “Does it disappoint you that you weren’t my first? Or my second or my third? Do I disgust you, Daryl?”

“Don’t have ta get so defensive.”

“You called me a whore.”

“I shouldn’t of said that.”

“Screw off.”

“Julian.”

“Screw off!”

Daryl quickly backed away from the bed. “Ya don’t get it,” he said quietly.

“I don’t want to,” Julian mumbled. “I’m tired. If you’re not here to sleep, get out.”

He heard a soft click, the door open, then shut. He peeked over, and Daryl was gone. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes.

_What a pain in the ass_ , he thought.

He didn’t have a nightmare that night. Which, he realized when he woke the next morning fully rested, meant the nightmares were over, for the moment. He didn’t even have a night of that deep sleep that freaked Gianna out, likely thanks to the breaks Daryl, Maggie, and Glenn provided him with by just being near him.

Gianna must have been waiting for him to wake up, he decided, when he had barely stepped off the staircase before she was standing in front of him.

“They’re building a wall,” Gianna declared.

“What?” Julian mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he moved past her and into the kitchen.

“There’s a fork in the road or something, and they’re building a wall there to keep the walkers going in one direction,” Gianna explained, following him.

“Okay?”

“I talked to Carol and she thinks it will take, at least, a few days to get it done.”

“Okay.”

“That means we have time to actually pull off a big community dinner, Jules!”

“Oh, right.”

“Will you still go hunting for me?”

Julian chuckled. “Of course. Anything for you.”

Julian knew why she was doing this. She needed something to throw herself into, so she wouldn’t have to think about the loss of Noah and the potential loss of every person going out to move the herd along. Julian was just thankful she was finding some way to cope rather than sitting around thinking about all the ways this could go wrong.

Because there were so many ways this could go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter resolves quite a bit and I'm excited for it.  
> We're getting close to the end! I need to get a move on with part two!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Daryl go out hunting.

Rick found Julian in the armory. Julian wasn’t sure how Rick knew where he had gone. But Rick appeared in the doorway with a disapproving look and, for some reason, Daryl was behind him.

“What are you doin’, Julian?” Rick asked as Olivia returned with his arrows.

“Gia wants to make a big meal before half of you walk off to your possible deaths,” Julian said, rather cheerfully for the words he was saying. “I figured, she’d need at least a deer or two for that… two for sure, now that I’m thinking about it. Maybe more… It might take a while.”

“You’re not goin’ out alone,” Rick said sternly. “There are dangerous people out there.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Julian grumbled, causing Rick to wince. Daryl noticed, looking at his friend in confusion.

“Morgan ran into people out there. People I don’t want you runnin’ into,” Rick explained.

“I’ll see if someone wants to go with me, but-”

“I’ll go,” Daryl volunteered.

Julian actually glared at him. “I’m pretty sure you’ll be more useful building that wall,” he said tightly.

“I’ll go,” Daryl repeated.

“Ugh!” Julian pushed past Rick and Daryl. “You two are impossible!”

“I got ‘im,” Daryl sighed heavily, following Julian out of the armory.

Julian didn’t acknowledge Daryl as they waited for Eugene to get the gate open. Well, that wasn’t quite true. He didn’t say anything to Daryl, but he acknowledged him by continually glancing over his shoulder. He wanted to tell Daryl to screw off and leave him alone, but he didn’t. Daryl was probably the only reason Rick was letting him leave. He didn’t need to be chasing Daryl away.

_Don’t think about him_ , Julian told himself, facing forward. _You’re hunting. You don’t have to talk when you’re hunting._

“Thanks, Eugene.” Julian gave him a smile and a slight pat on his arm.

“We still on for cards tomorrow?” Eugene wondered before Julian and Daryl could leave.

“I hope to be back by then, but we’ll see,” Julian replied.

Once they were through the gate and walking down the road, Daryl asked, “You play cards with ‘im?”

“No, that’s code for sex,” Julian said dryly.

“Don’t know if Eugene knows what to do with his dick,” Daryl responded, and Julian laughed despite himself.

“I can teach him,” Julian joked.

When Daryl didn’t respond, Julian looked over to see his jaw clenched tightly, so the muscles in his cheek were twitching. And Julian couldn’t stop himself. In his most sarcastic tone, he asked, “What? Not gonna call me a whore this time?”

“Ya were just jokin’,” Daryl mumbled.

“And you really thought I was being serious yesterday?”

“Makes sense, don’t it?”

“How? What have I done that makes you think I want anyone but you?”

Julian was watching Daryl, so he clearly saw the rise in his brow and the tension slightly leaving his muscles. It was strange, seeing Daryl’s expression shift.

“How does it make sense, Daryl?” he asked, because he wasn’t going to let this go. It felt like they were making progress. Or about to make progress.

Daryl grunted, softer than usual, before saying, “He’s good lookin’. And your age.”

“I think he’s still a bit older than me,” Julian said.

The tension was back in Daryl’s jaw. It was incredibly interesting to see him effected by Julian’s words when, before this, it felt like Julian had to be attached to his lips to see him show any emotion whatsoever.

“Are you jealous?”

Daryl shrugged. “Guess so.”

Julian stopped walking. Daryl did so too, begrudgingly turning to look at Julian.

“Is that why you called me a whore? ‘Cause you’re, like… jealous of anyone who came before you? Pun intended.”

Daryl glared at Julian. And the bit of fear Julian had left where Daryl was concerned flared up, causing him to take a small step back.

“I ain’t dumb,” Daryl said after a long moment of silence that left Julian on edge and incredibly nervous. “You said what ya said ‘bout Spencer to piss me off. It worked, so I said what I said to hurt ya.”

“It worked,” Julian replied.

Daryl grunted, and Julian recognized it as one of his displeased grunts.

“And I didn’t ask ya ‘bout the guys you’d been with ta make ya feel bad. I’ve been with…” Daryl looked away and ran his fingers through the back of his hair. “I ain’t exactly a virgin. And I felt… guilty. After touchin’ ya. Felt like I shouldn’t of done it. Like I dirtied ya. I was just tryin’ to feel better ‘bout it.”

Daryl began walking again. Julian hesitated before following so he was a step behind.

“Remember when I told you that you don’t talk enough?” Julian asked.

Daryl grunted affirmatively.

“Maybe, next time, talk to me. Instead of leaving after sex without a damn word, tell me you’re feeling guilty. Instead of calling me a whore, tell me you’re feeling insecure.”

Daryl scoffed. “Right.”

“We’re both immature assholes,” Julian grumbled.

They walked for about a half hour in silence, during which time Daryl killed a walker before Julian had even grabbed an arrow. Daryl looked at him with a smirk and Julian rolled his eyes.

“Quick release,” Daryl said.

“That’s what she said,” Julian replied.

There was another hour spent in silence, but it was becoming more and more comfortable. Julian wasn’t sure Daryl was aware of it, but it felt like, no matter what was said or what was done, they would eventually drift back to comfort. Or, maybe, that was just how Julian felt. Because the next thing Daryl said was, “Don’t want ya sleepin’ with Spencer.”

Julian sighed. “Daryl.”

“Don’t think he’s into guys, but don’t think it matters with you.”

“So, is this your really messed up way of telling me that you care about me now?” Julian asked, actually impressed that he didn’t sound hopeful at all.

“Nah,” Daryl answered with a shrug.

“But you’re still jealous?

“Think so.”

“Which means you see me as some sort of possession.”

Daryl’s eyes widened.

“Something you can use. Something you don’t want to share, but something you don’t have to care about either.”

“No, that ain't-”

“I’m just a sex toy to you. Like a god damn blow up doll.”

“That ain’t how I see ya,” Daryl said, moving closer. Reaching forward.

Julian backed further away.

“I’m not okay with this,” Julian said. His tone was weak, at first, but when he continued, he was surer of himself. “I’ve put up with a lot from the guys I’ve slept with. And I wouldn’t put up with that shit today. So, I’m not going to put up with something I wouldn’t have then, either, just because I like you and you might be the last decent, single, non-straight guy on earth.”

“You’re talkin’ too much,” Daryl said.

“Well you’re gonna listen anyway, because screw you. How do you still not care about me? Everyone loves me. I’m _damn_ loveable.”

“Ya talk too much. You’re needy and clingy. You’re too pretty for your own good and ya make stupid decisions.”

“Well, you’re not exactly pleasant yourself.”

“But I know it.”

Julian frowned. His stomach twisted uncomfortably at what he saw in Daryl’s eyes. Julian’s anger was gone. His resolve to stay away from Daryl was gone. His heart broke for the man standing in front of him.

“You really hate yourself, huh?” Julian asked quietly.

“Shut up,” Daryl murmured.

“Fine,” Julian huffed.

They kept walking what Julian estimated was about five miles, not talking to each other. There were no signs of anything other than a couple walkers in the area. Julian had warned Gianna that he might have to stay out a couple nights in order to find anything. He hadn’t thought to tell Rick. He hoped that wouldn’t be an issue.

He was about to complain about how Daryl led him to a nearby, abandoned neighborhood where animals were going to be as scarce as people, when he looked over and saw an overgrown community garden with a broken sign fallen on the ground in front of it. Julian was grinning as he veered off course toward the garden.

“I’mma find a place to stay for the night,” Daryl called from the road.

Julian waved over his shoulder with a careless shrug. He heard Daryl’s footsteps continuing down the road. Julian just focused his attention on the garden. There was a little bit of everything and a lot of a few things, and Julian’s mouth was already watering at the sight of the berries, corn, peppers, green beans, potatoes, and, Julian was thrilled to see, sweet potatoes.

Julian was lowering onto his knees to start picking up the food when he noticed an apple tree. He leapt up and rushed over, quickly picking over two dozen apples from the heavy branches. Daryl showed up, silently, a few minutes later. Julian had no clue he was there until he turned and saw Daryl standing over the pile of apples.

“Find a place?” Julian asked.

Daryl grunted affirmatively.

“Do you know how happy Gianna will be if I can get this back to her?” Julian pointed to the overgrown garden. It was really a miracle, that weeds, animals, and walkers hadn’t ruined it. There were obvious signs of animal scavenging and the weeds were about as prevalent as the plants, but there were still a lot of fresh vegetables and fruit for them to eat.

Daryl jogged off without a word. Julian sighed and got onto his hands and knees to crawl through the garden, pulling out what he could. He moved cautiously, well aware that the weeds could be hiding anything. Daryl returned a few minutes later with a light blue pillowcase. He started picking up what Julian had left behind him to grab later and he put them in the pillowcase.

“I always forget you’re smart,” Julian chuckled.

“Ain’t smart,” Daryl said. “I just ain’t dumb.”

“That might be the best way to be,” Julian said, brushing dirt off a strange shaped potato.

When they finished, the pillowcase was stuffed so full Daryl barely had any slack to be able to hold it by. Julian stood up, grinning. He wiped his hands on his jeans. The sun was moments from setting and it created a glimmer in Daryl’s eyes.

“God, you’re handsome,” Julian said longingly.

Daryl’s brow furrowed. He turned away and said, “Come on.”

Julian sighed and followed as Daryl led him down the street. It was one of those moments he shouldn’t have said what he was thinking. Gianna told him he did it too often and one day someone _really_ wouldn’t like what they heard. But he’d never taken the advice to heart and, now, maybe Daryl was really sick of him and the stupid things he said.

Daryl led him into one of the few houses that still had a front door. He set the pillowcase of fresh food on an armchair, then turned to Julian.

“Cleared this place out. Move.” Daryl pushed Julian out of the doorway, so he could close the door.

Julian went to the pillowcase and fished out an apple. “Even if we don’t kill anything out here, this is pretty awesome. It’s been a while since I’ve had actual fruit. Always find dried stuff or artificially flavored Jell-O and shit. Do you think we could start a garden in Alexandria?”

“I ain’t farmin’,” Daryl said.

“I asked if you thought it was possible, not if you’d start it or something,” Julian scoffed. “I’m gonna cut up an apple. You want one?”

Daryl shook his head and moved over to the leather couch sitting beside the armchair. As Julian left the room, Daryl pushed the couch in front of the door.

In the kitchen, Julian was thankful to find a clean set of kitchen knives. The house wasn’t badly looted. It seemed like a place that had been left and forgotten early on.

Julian pulled a bottle of water out of his backpack and quickly washed off the apple. He also gave the knife he grabbed a quick wash before slicing the apple in six even slices. He looked down at the core and the seeds in it, trying to imagine where a garden could go in Alexandria.

Daryl walked in, grabbed a slice of the apple, and walked out as he bit loudly into it. Julian stared down at the five slices, pursing his lips and furrowing his brow. Daryl was going to drive him crazy. Daryl might even be _trying_ to drive him crazy.

Julian stayed in the kitchen, angrily chomping on the apple while glaring at the door Daryl disappeared through.

Less than five minutes later, Daryl stormed back into the room, crowding Julian against the counter. He laid his hand on Daryl’s chest. Daryl’s heart was racing. Julian looked up into his eyes and was reminded of the first time they had kissed.

“Are you going to hit me or kiss me?” Julian asked, only a little worried.

Daryl growled. Like, _really_ growled, enough to frighten Julian even more a moment before Daryl was gripping his hair and kissing him. This time, Daryl tasted like apples and cigarettes.

Julian shoved Daryl away. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Julian asked. “You don’t talk about what we talked about, not resolve shit, and then have sex.”

Daryl seemed unbothered. He shrugged and said, “Don’t want that. Just wanted to kiss ya.”

“And what was the one thing I asked?” Julian replied softly. “Don’t kiss me.”

Julian grabbed the last slice of apple and walked out of the room, ignoring Daryl’s questioning grunt behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we reach another point where I leave canon behind just to get Julian and Daryl a little more time together. See, at this point, everyone goes out to build the wall and Daryl is with them. Obviously, that changes in this story. However, there was an important conversation while they built that wall between Rick and Daryl where Daryl tells Rick they need to keep bringing new people into the community. Because Daryl no longer goes to the construction site, I imagine he was having that conversation with Rick as they were getting ready to leave and the pair just so happened to see their favorite blonde walk into the armory with Sunny. 
> 
> Just so you know.   
> I like to point out where I've left behind canon.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some big stuff happens.

When Daryl walked back into the living room, Julian was kicking the leather couch. “Why’d you put this here already?” he asked. “I was going to do some hunting tonight. No one said I can’t shoot things just because the sun is down, okay? Move it.”

“Why don’t ya like when I kiss ya?” Daryl asked.

Julian sighed loudly and just flopped down on the couch. “It’s not that I don’t like it. I obviously like it. I thought I’d get you to, like, come undone or something, but you’re always so damn stoic, even when you’re screwing me. I’m the one that basically melts when you touch me, okay?”

Daryl looked so confused, it was adorable. Julian looked away from him bitterly.

“Then… why can’t I kiss ya?” Daryl asked.

Julian silently stared at the ceiling. He was debating with himself, trying to decide if he should tell Daryl. It might make Daryl distance himself even more, to really know how damaged Julian was. Maybe he wouldn’t want to touch Julian again. Maybe he’d pity Julian. Maybe he’d look at him differently.

But he was so sick of hiding it. Especially from someone like Daryl, who, maybe, needed to know more than anyone else.

“There was… me and Gianna were in a bad place. I ended up… getting attacked,” Julian muttered, surprised that this had been easier to tell Rick than Daryl. Probably because Rick cared for and loved Julian. Daryl… tolerated him? “I, um, I was raped. That’s what I told Rick. That’s what made him so angry – what made him start treating me like I’m helpless…What I didn’t tell Rick… what Rick can never know, is that it wasn’t one guy. And I’m only telling you this because we’re currently sleeping together, so maybe you deserve to know. The whole kissing thing is… one of them; he seemed like the ringleader, he kept kissing me. Whether he was holding me down for someone else or doing the deed himself, he just kept kissing me.”

Julian took a deep breath. Not a sound was coming from Daryl. He wondered what Daryl was doing but couldn’t bring himself to look over.

“I hated it. This horrible thing was happening, and some guy decided to kiss me like it was romantic. But… eventually, I started focusing on him. Because he wasn’t hurting me the way the others were, and I was just trying to not focus on how bad it hurt. So… it’s not that I don’t like when you kiss me, it’s just that I don’t want to kiss anyone who doesn’t care about me ever again. Don’t take it personally, okay? It’s not about you or how you kiss, it’s just about the fact that I got _really_ screwed up.”

Julian looked over when he heard Daryl walking toward him. But Daryl just easily pushed the couch out of the way of the door with Julian still on it. He threw the door open, so it slammed against the wall.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Julian asked, sitting up. He really hadn’t thought Daryl would leave him so suddenly.

“Huntin’,” Daryl barely said before leaving the house.

Julian followed him quickly. “We’re supposed to do that together.”

“ _No_ ,” Daryl said harshly. He spun around and walked toward Julian – looming over him. Julian backed right back into the house. “I’m supposed to keep ya safe. Wait inside.”

“Daryl, if you don’t want anything to do with me-”

And Daryl was kissing him. Softly. Cradling his cheek and not pressing their bodies together, which was a first.

“Don’t know how I feel ‘bout ya anymore,” Daryl admitted, a breath away from Julian’s lips. “Don’t like it, whatever it is.”

“Are you lying just so you can kiss me?” Julian asked cautiously.

“No.”

“Are you lying to comfort me?”

“Ain’t lyin’.”

“But you just told me,” Julian whispered, resting his forehead on Daryl’s chest. “You just said you _didn’t_ care about me.”

“’Cause I… I don’t know what this is,” Daryl mumbled awkwardly. “I just, I want ya. To be ‘round ya. Ain’t a possessive thing. Ain’t even a sex thing. Just… it is what it is.”

“And… you still want me? Even after what I told you.”

“That don’t change a thing.”

“You… you aren’t disgusted?”

“Not by you.”

Julian just wanted to cling onto Daryl. He wanted to wrap himself around Daryl and never part. Instead, he asked, “Why are you leaving, then?”

“Angry,” Daryl said. “I’m angry. Need to kill somethin’.”

“Oh. I can help, you know. I’m good with a bow and a knife.”

“No.” Daryl brushed the side of his thumb against Julian’s bottom lip.

Julian sighed loudly. “Fine. But don’t go far.”

“I won’t,” Daryl said as he turned away.

Julian closed the door behind Daryl and sat heavily on the couch.

Daryl hadn’t really admitted to _liking_ Julian, but… did he really care about him now? It was easy to believe because of the way Daryl would sometimes hold him, but it was also hard to believe because of some of the things Daryl said and did.

He wanted it to be true, so badly. He wanted to love Daryl, because he thought this crush could evolve into love, and he wanted Daryl to love him.

Julian covered his face with his hands and let out a soft sigh. He wanted it to work out so badly, but it felt like it couldn’t. It felt like something terrible was bound to happen. It always felt like something terrible was going to happen.

_There’s always a chance_ , Julian thought desperately. _There’s always a chance it could work out._

Daryl returned a couple hours later with just a rabbit and he cooked it for them to eat that night. He carefully started a fire in a garage two houses down from where they were staying. It had a huge hole in the roof, so the smoke could escape but the light wouldn’t attract anyone. They sat on opposite sides of the embers as they ate. Every time Julian looked up, Daryl was watching him. But when Julian’s gaze rose, Daryl’s dropped.

“Just say whatever you’re thinking,” Julian said with a slight frown.

“Never been raped,” Daryl said. Hearing that was actually a bit of a relief. “But my old man…”

Daryl didn’t say anything else. Instead, he stood, took off his shirt, and turned around. Julian’s eyes widened as his gaze landed on the many severe scars crisscrossing over Daryl’s back.  

Julian hadn’t thought it was strange when Daryl kept his shirt on when they were sleeping. While the less clothes Julian had on when he was trying to sleep, the better, he knew some people just didn’t sleep that way.

He had thought it was strange when Daryl hadn’t taken any of his clothes off when they had sex. Now, it made sense.

Daryl quickly put his shirt back on and sat down, saying nothing more. Julian stood and walked around to Daryl’s side of the fire. He knelt in front of Daryl and smiled. “Thanks for telling me,” he said softly before leaning forward and kissing Daryl lightly.

It was the first real kiss Julian had initiated.

Daryl pulled him closer and kissed him harder. Julian crawled into Daryl’s lap, running his hands through Daryl’s hair. When Daryl pulled Julian’s shirt off, he didn’t stop it. He knew where they were heading as Daryl kissed down his neck to his chest. But he leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and moaned as Daryl’s tongue swept over his nipple.

Without much effort at all, Daryl lifted Julian and carried him out of the garage, through the yards, and into the house they were staying in that night.

This time, Daryl didn’t turn him around. They landed on the couch and Daryl looked into Julian’s eyes the whole time and it felt so much more intimate.

Daryl kissed him the whole time, too. And, Julian didn’t just allow it. He enjoyed it fully. He moaned against Daryl’s lips and gave in to how perfect their bodies fit together. When they were finished, Daryl didn’t just get up and walk away. Hell, Daryl didn’t even pull out of Julian’s body, tightening and clenching around him as the waves of pleasure slowed and faded. Daryl just held Julian close and they fell asleep tangled together.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Julian make it back to Alexandria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, this took longer than expected. But there was a lot to edit. And, these edits added an extra 2 chapters. So, it's still ending soon, but not as soon.

“We shouldn’t have had sex again this morning,” Julian grumbled as he and Daryl walked back to Alexandria after waking up just before dawn and shooting two deer, one more rabbit, and three opossums throughout the morning and afternoon – Julian had never known anyone who could track as well as Daryl. Finding the animals had almost been easier than shooting them. It helped that deer populations had sky-rocketed without a large number of humans hunting them or hitting them with cars. “And I can’t believe you brought lube and condoms out here. A little presumptuous, don’t you think?”

Daryl grunted in amusement and Julian couldn’t help but grin; he realized he understood Daryl’s grunts almost as well as his words now.

“Ended up needin’ ‘em,” Daryl said. “You okay?”

“I’m a little sore,” Julian admitted. “But it was worth it.”

“How do I keep it from hurtin’ ya?”

“It’s nothing you’re doing. It’s not even like I’m in pain.”

“You just said-”

“Daryl, you didn’t hurt me, and I love that you care so much, but knock it off.”

Daryl huffed in annoyance.

“I’m not going to make my card game with Eugene,” Julian said thoughtfully, glancing up to check where the sun was – they were probably only two, or so, hours away from dusk. He couldn’t help but wonder how much progress the others had made on the wall.

Would Daryl and Rick be leaving tomorrow? It felt too soon. Julian looked at the side of Daryl’s face and thought, _It’s too soon_.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Julian wondered.

Daryl just shrugged.

“Are you gay, bi, or something else?” Julian asked.

“Does it matter?” Daryl responded.

“Well, it’d be nice to know how much competition I have,” Julian said, only partly joking.

“Ya don’t have any.”

“What, you’re the very specific sexuality turned on by just me? We gotta figure out what to call it.”

“Been attracted to lots of people. Never lost control ‘til you.”

Julian chuckled. “I’m honored.”

They walked about five more minutes in silence before Julian had to ask, “What other guys have you been attracted to?”

“Glenn,” Daryl admitted without hesitation, and it made Julian feel like Daryl trusted him.

“He _is_ gorgeous,” Julian agreed. “You’d have to be blind or straight to not be attracted to him. Or racist, I guess. Anyone else?”

Daryl scratched the back of his neck. “Rick, at one point. Not anymore… what ‘bout you? You ever been attracted to Rick?”

There was more than curiosity in Daryl’s question. There was uncertainty and, Julian thought, maybe some jealousy. He kind of understood. He was pretty close with Rick. Someone who hadn’t seen their interactions over the first eighteen years of Julian’s life might question that closeness.

“Nah,” he assured Daryl. “He’s the closest thing I ever had to a dad. Now, I did have a thing for Shane. Did you meet Shane?”

“Hated the guy,” Daryl said.

“Oh.”

Julian didn’t know how to respond, and they, once again, just continued walking in silence. Daryl was carrying all the dead animals, having pulled apart an old shed to create a type of sled they could carry the deer on. Julian carried the pillowcase full of fruit and the bags they had brought out with them. And the fruit was heavy. Julian knew they weren’t far from Alexandria – probably close enough for someone in the watchtower to look out and see them with the help of a scope, but he still needed a break. He set the fruit on the ground and leaned back against a car parked on the side of the road. Daryl watched him, unhappy with the break.

Julian laughed softly at Daryl’s frown and furrowed brow. “Just you wait, Daryl Dixon. I’m gonna make you fall in love with me.”

Daryl scoffed and started walking again. Julian groaned and grabbed the fruit before rushing after him. He should have kept his thoughts to himself again.

Daryl didn’t say anything to him as they completed the trip. But, as they were standing outside the gate waiting for it to be opened, Daryl looked toward him. “Start sleepin’ in the basement again.”

Julian smiled brightly. “Not a chance.”

“Why?”

“It’s musty and cold and I only slept down there to be closer to you.”

The gate rattled open. Daryl was staring at him. Julian thought he probably shouldn’t. He looked over to tell Daryl to hide his lust better, but Gianna squeezed through the gate as soon as she would fit, and she was hugging Julian before the words could leave his mouth. He chuckled and awkwardly wrapped an arm around her shoulders while supporting the pillowcase of fruits and vegetables with the other arm. It was a relief when she stepped away because the pillowcase was heavy and he couldn’t have held onto it with one arm for much longer.

 “I was just gone for a day,” he said.

“And I was worried the whole time,” Gianna replied. She then looked at Daryl. “Hi. Glad you’re alive, too.”

Daryl snorted in amusement and dragged the sled of animal corpses into Alexandria. Gianna looked down and grinned. “Oh wow! That’s more than I hoped for. I was thinking you’d come back with, like, a couple rabbits, at best.”

“Daryl’s an impressive tracker. If I had been on my own, you’d be trying to feed everyone with a single opossum,” Julian explained as they walked inside. “Though, I am the one that found all this.”

Julian motioned with his chin toward the opening of the pillowcase. Gianna looked down into it and her face lit up. It was one of the greatest sights of Julian’s life.

“I don’t even know what to do with this,” Gianna said in awe, reaching in and pulling out a potato. “I never expected this. It changes everything.”

“Everything?” Julian laughed, waving at Holly as they continued walking. She smiled at him while closing the gate.

“All my plans. Like I said, I was just expecting some rabbits, so that’s what I planned for,” Gianna explained. “Maybe Carol will have some ideas.”

“Check with Olivia, too. She might have an idea based on what’s in the pantry.”

“Trust me, I have been at Olivia’s side all day. We’ve been planning and planning and now you’ve brought us all this, so we gotta start over. Do you think Carol will come with me to discuss this stuff with Olivia, or will she think it’s stupid?”

Julian chuckled. “Both, probably.”

Gianna took the fruit and ran off, too excited to remain at Julian’s side when there was planning to be done. Julian looked around and saw Daryl and Rick standing a few yards away, talking quietly. Julian considered walking past, or maybe taking the sled of animals from Daryl to get them in the freezer, but he got caught up in Rick and Daryl – in wanting to know what they were discussing.

However, as soon as Rick saw him, the conversation stopped. A sick feeling clawed at Julian’s insides. He’d told Rick a half-truth. He told Daryl the whole truth. If the two compared notes, the last thing Julian hid from Rick wouldn’t be hidden anymore.

“Hey,” Julian said quickly to derail his own thoughts. “How’d buildin’ the wall go?”

“Fine,” Rick answered. “It’s good. Everyone workin’ together. We need it.”

“When do you think you’ll leave?” Julian asked, barely glancing at Daryl.

“Wall should be finished in three days; we’ll do a dry run the next day, and actually do it the day after that,” Rick answered.

“Oh, good, so Gianna will have time to put together her dinner for everyone,” Julian said happily.

“She better,” Rick replied. “Everyone was lookin’ forward to it even before you guys showed up with fruit and meat. I heard Carol’s makin’ cookies again.”

“Sam will love that,” Julian chuckled.

“Found this,” Daryl said, taking a chocolate bar out of his pocket. “Was gonna give it to Carl, but if ya think Carol can use it…”

“Either way, it’ll go to good use, I’m sure,” Rick assured him.

Julian separated from the two men as they started talking about the plan for the practice run. This wasn’t what he was worried about them discussing and he couldn’t just hang around in case they started talking about him. Would Daryl even risk something like that? Would Daryl risk outing himself just to commiserate with Rick over how angry they were at what had happened to Julian?

Julian couldn’t stop thinking about it. He showered and thought about how bad it would be if Rick found out. Rick had barely let him go hunting with Daryl. What would he do if he knew how bad it had really been? Would he ever leave Julian alone? Could he handle it?

Julian was still thinking about it as he walked to the pantry, to make sure Daryl got the animals to Olivia. Which, he had. But Daryl had dropped the animals off and left with Rick, so Olivia was currently trying to figure out how to fit two whole deer into the freezer. So, Julian ended up taking the deer out onto the porch to butcher them. But even the gruesome task ahead of him could not prevent him from thinking about Rick and Daryl.

Sometimes Rick seemed so on edge, like he was ready to kill the whole world to keep them safe. Julian didn’t want to add to that.

He didn’t know why he told Daryl the whole truth anyway. He didn’t regret it. It had been a relief, really, to say it out loud. He and Gianna had avoided talking about it, and if it ever came up, which it only did right after when he was still healing, they didn’t talk about how many there were. They didn’t talk about how lucky they were that the rapists were men of their word and didn’t touch Gianna when they were finished with him. They didn’t talk about how idiotic those men were to not tie him up when they slept, so he could struggle to his feet and murder two of them before Gianna convinced him that they needed to get out of there before the others woke up and decided they hadn’t had enough. They just didn’t talk about it. They couldn’t. It hurt too much, for both of them.

So, it was a relief, to finally say it. To be heard. And, maybe, one day, he’d tell Rick the truth. But he wasn’t ready. Not for that. Not for Rick to know.

“I was gonna do that.”

Julian looked up to find Daryl standing in front of him with his arms crossed so his muscles were on display and Julian just stared at him appreciatively.

“What’re ya thinkin’ ‘bout?” Daryl wondered, eyes searching Julian’s face.

“You’re not gonna tell Rick, right?” Julian asked quietly. “About what I told you.”

“’Bout what happened to ya?”

“What else could I be talking about?”

Daryl shrugged.

“Are you gonna tell him?” Julian asked.

“Nah.” Daryl looked down at the deer and Julian’s hands inside its stomach. “But ya shouldn’t keep lyin’ to him.”

“I’m not lying,” Julian said defensively. “I’m just not telling him everything and I don’t think I need to.”

“Ain’t somethin’ small.”

“So?”

“It matters. Rick should know.”

“What would it change, if Rick knew there was more than one guy?”

“We could hunt ‘em down,” Daryl suggested.

Julian rolled his eyes. “I killed two of them, Daryl. It didn’t make me feel any better.”

“Ya make ‘em suffer?”

Julian scoffed softly. “That really the kind of man you want to be? The kind of man that tortures people?”

“I’ll be whatever kinda man I needta be.”

Julian shook his head. “No one needs you to be _that_ guy, Daryl. If you have to kill someone, you should do it as quickly and painlessly as possible. No matter what they’ve done to you.”

“That’s dumb.”

“Well, that’s me. Dumb and brave.”

Daryl’s frown deepened. “That ain’t what I said.”

“So, you don’t think I’m brave?”

“ _Julian_.”

Julian couldn’t stop himself from grinning as Daryl glared at him. He chuckled and pointed at Daryl’s face. “Just like old times.”

“Hey.” Rick jogged up the porch steps and Julian’s eyes widened. He had been so focused on Daryl, he had no clue Rick was approaching. He was glad he and Daryl hadn’t been talking about anything at that moment that would be mortifying for Rick to overhear.

“Hey,” Julian greeted. “What’s up?”

“Need to talk to ya,” Rick said.

“Well…” Julian tugged the intestines out of the deer with a grimace. “Talk.”

“I let you go out today ‘cause Daryl was with ya. But I need him with me from here on out, so I’mma need you to stay inside the walls. Hear me?” Rick asked, crossing his arms.

“Is this a forever thing?” Julian asked in response.

“That an option?”

“No.”

“Then it’s a ‘til-the-run-is-done thing.”

Julian sighed. “I’m not a kid, Rick.”

“You’re _my_ kid,” Rick said. “That’s what matters.”

And Julian didn’t know how to argue against that. It just made him feel too warm and fuzzy on the inside and he couldn’t even care that Rick was treating him like he was helpless. Not at the moment, anyway. He was sure the anger would come back eventually, but, for now, he was just happy.

“Whatever,” he said, looking down as he tried to hide his smile.

“I’m serious. You stay inside Alexandria,” Rick said.

“I’ll think about it,” Julian replied, grinning.

“Julian,” Rick groaned. “You don’t have to be so stubborn all the time.”

Daryl chuckled a little.

“Hey, you guys, I’m trying to get two deer butchered before dark, so they’ll fit in the freezer. Get outta here if you aren’t going to help.”

Julian rolled his eyes as they both backed up. He shook his head and laughed softly to himself as, almost in unison, they turned and walked away.

Julian did not get both deer butchered before dark. Ron stopped by to watch for a while. Julian tried to engage him in conversation, but Ron just glared at him for a moment before scampering off. Shelly Neudermeyer also showed up, just to remind Julian to save the bones for bone broth. Julian managed to keep the look of disgust off his face until she had turned to leave.

On his way back to the house, Julian was stopped outside Aaron and Eric’s house, because Eric came running out.

“Be careful!” Julian scolded. “I’ve barely given you the all-clear for that ankle.”

“Screw the ankle,” Eric said, barely containing his excitement. “Tell me about you and Daryl.”

“What about us?”

“Oh, come on! I see the way you guys look at each other when you think the other one isn’t looking. So, what’s going on between you guys?”

“I don’t know,” Julian admitted. “But it’s not nothing.”

Eric grinned like an idiot. It made Julian laugh.

“I don’t know why you’re so happy about it,” Julian said.

“Me either,” Eric replied. “But I am.”

“You’re a dork,” Julian chuckled.

“You want to come in for dinner?” Eric asked.

Julian looked down the street at their house. He saw someone sitting on the porch and he could have sworn from the long hair that it was Daryl. He then looked at Eric and smiled. “Sure. Dinner sounds nice.”  

By the time he got back home, no one was on the porch. He hesitated in front of the basement door before going up to his room and crawling into his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some character moments before we start wrapping this thing up.

Julian yawned and stretched when he woke the next morning. His first thought was that he was running out of time before half the people he had made into his new family left to risk their lives to protect this place they were making into their new home. It felt weird. To have so much to protect and lose. Even before, in his previous groups, he wasn’t this close to this many people. And they certainly hadn’t had homes – they’d had shelter but there was a huge difference. Julian was starting to think a large part of that difference was the people.

_I love these people_ , he thought with desperation. _I don’t want to lose these people_.

He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. Only when his hands dropped back to his lap did his vision clear and he became aware of Daryl sitting on his bed. Julian looked at him in confusion.

“Leavin’ soon. To work on the wall,” Daryl said.

“Think Rick will let me go too?” Julian wondered, cracking his knuckles.

“Ain’t likely,” Daryl said.

“Well, why are you here?” Julian asked. “It’s clearly not to wake me up so I’m ready to go with you.”

“Left before, without sayin’ anythin’. Ya didn’t like that,” Daryl muttered. “Just sayin’ somethin’ now.”

“Ah, you’re learning,” Julian joked. “You’ll make someone a fine boyfriend someday.”

Daryl scoffed at the notion. It made Julian smile.

“How do you even date in the apocalypse?” Julian wondered, laying back down and turning on his side to face Daryl.

Daryl stood from the bed. “Ya don’t.”

“Plenty of people are dating,” Julian argued.

“Nah.” Daryl backed up to the door. Julian’s eyes followed him. “People are fallin’ in love or they’re not. No one’s datin’ anymore.”

Julian quickly sat up. “What are we doing, then?” he asked as Daryl’s hand landed on the doorknob.

Daryl said nothing for a long moment. Too long of a moment. Slowly, he said, “Don’t know. But it ain’t datin’.”

Julian thought that was either really good or really bad.

He showered and wrapped his hair into a bun. He paused to look at the hairband. It had meant a lot to him when Daryl got it for him. Hell, it was probably why he ever let Daryl kiss him in the first place. He wasn’t even sure he should use it anymore – it had basically become a keepsake and if it ever stretched so far it snapped, it might break his heart.

When he made his way downstairs, damp hair cascading down his shoulders and the hairband safe in his room, he just found Carl and Michonne. He told himself he wasn’t disappointed that Daryl wasn’t with them.

“Hey,” he greeted.

Michonne gave him a big smile. “Morning.”

“Aren’t you going out to build the wall?” Julian wondered.

“Just finishing breakfast with Carl,” Michonne said, motioning with the mug in her hand toward where Carl was sitting. As far as Julian could tell, she meant her drink was her breakfast.

“Hey, kid,” Julian said in Carl’s direction as he finished whatever was in his bowl.

“Hey. You weren’t gone hunting for long,” Carl observed. “Thought you’d be gone longer.”

“Yeah, it seemed like maybe the animals forgot they had to be afraid of people.” Julian shrugged. “And Daryl’s a pretty great tracker.”

“I’m just glad he doesn’t seem to hate you anymore,” Michonne said, sounding like she was only half joking.

Julian grinned. Daryl certainly didn’t hate him anymore. He hadn’t exactly made it clear what he felt, but it was something and it wasn’t hate.

“I’m hard to hate for long,” Julian said after a moment, before reaching over and bumping up the sheriff’s hat on Carl’s head. “Right, kid?”

Carl rolled his eyes and pushed Julian’s hand away even though he couldn’t hold back a small laugh.

“Can we do some more shooting with Sunny?” Carl asked before Julian could leave the room.

“Your arm feeling better?” Julian asked with a slight smirk.

“Not even a little sore,” Carl answered in a way that made Julian think he was lying.

“Well, I’m gonna be spending a while helping Gianna with her dinner,” Julian said. “But I think we’ll have some time for Sunny.”

“Cool, thanks,” Carl said, trying to suppress his smile.

Julian tapped his knuckles against the counter and looked at Michonne as she smiled lovingly at Carl. If Julian didn’t know any better, he would be convinced that Michonne was Carl’s mother and always had been by the way she looked at him – like he was the greatest thing in her life. It was heartwarming. Julian loved watching the pair.

Rick might have had his eyes on Jessie, but Julian had seen the way Michonne looked at him. He knew she must have feelings for him, because it was the same way he caught himself looking at Daryl recently. And, Julian personally thought Rick would be better off with Michonne. They seemed like a better fit and Michonne already loved his kids like they were hers. Shit, they were already living together, granted there were a few other people in the house too.

Not to mention, Rick trusted Michonne. Rick listened to her and seemed to really take what she said to heart. At least, he never seemed to instantly write her off the way he did with Julian.

“I was raped,” Julian said suddenly. It wasn’t necessarily easy to say it, but the unflinching acceptance of Rick and Daryl certainly made it easier than it had been when he was still worried what had happened to him would define him in their eyes. “Well, I was given a choice – me or Gianna and I picked me, so call it what you will. It didn’t feel like much of a choice.”

Michonne looked at Julian with wide eyes. Wide, angry eyes and Julian wondered if there was anyone who wouldn’t get angry for him. He didn’t need their anger. It didn’t do them any good. But he’d had a lot longer to come to terms with it than them. His anger had faded. They needed more time.

“It happened a while ago. It was bad. It’s what my nightmares are about,” Julian admitted, as Michonne slowly set her mug on the counter. He watched her, unable to look at Carl. The kid was young. Maybe he wouldn’t understand the way an adult would. “Anyway, the only other people who know are Rick and Daryl, and… well, I think Rick needs to talk about it. And I don’t really think him and Daryl are going to talk about their feelings with each other. Also, if someone could get Rick to stop treating me like a kid, that’d be nice too. I know he’s just worried and he wants to protect me. But he can’t make me useless in an attempt to protect me from something that’s already happened. I just… I don’t know… I guess, if, you know, you can give Rick someone to talk to? He listens to you; opens up to you. I just thought, if I had to tell somebody else, it should be you, Michonne.”

As soon as he finished speaking, Michonne walked over and hugged him. He could feel in her tense muscles that she was still angry. But hers was the best response yet and he smiled against her shoulder.

“Thanks,” he said softly.

“I’ll talk to Rick,” Michonne said. “You’re not a kid and shouldn’t be treated like one.”

“Exactly,” Julian said with a forced chuckle. “That’s all I’m saying.”

When Julian glanced around, he realized Carl was no longer in the room. He frowned and Michonne placed her hand on his arm.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, just… I thought of asking to talk to you privately, but I didn’t want Carl to feel like I was keeping secrets or something.” Julian sighed. “I knew it was a risk. I was just making some headway with him, and now…”

Michonne gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “It’s not about you, I’m sure.”

Julian nodded a little, barely keeping himself from asking what it was about.

He couldn’t fall asleep that night. There was too much to think about. There was the nearby herd of walkers, the run so many people were about to be going on, the fact that Daryl would probably be gone for days, Carl seemed to hate him all over again, apparently there were crazy people with W’s carved into their foreheads, and he had to help Gianna cook, though he was terrible at cooking no matter how many times Gianna told him it was easy if he would just follow the recipe.

He rose from his bed and exited his room, planning on… he wasn’t sure. One part of him wanted to exit the house completely and take a stroll around Alexandria, reminding himself that it was, at the moment, still safe. This home he was helping to build wouldn’t be ruined tonight, at least. Another part of him wanted to slip into the basement and crawl into Daryl’s arms.

Julian still hadn’t decided which he was going to do when he walked past the living room to see Rick and Daryl still up, illuminated just by a lamp on a table. Daryl was drinking a bottle of beer and sitting on the couch while Rick occupied the armchair, a map in his hand.

Rick looked up from the map when he heard Julian’s footsteps. “Hey,” he said, frowning. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Julian answered. “Just couldn’t fall asleep.”

“You’re not the only one,” Rick sighed.

“Can I… join you?” Julian asked.

“Of course,” Rick answered, eyes falling back to the map.

Julian looked to Daryl for his permission. Daryl didn’t miss it – he had been watching Julian carefully.

“Sure,” Daryl said after a moment, nodding toward the empty spot next to him.

Julian sat on the couch and sighed softly, looking from Daryl to Rick. These were the two men he felt safest with. Rick, he had learned to trust many years ago. Daryl, he seemed to naturally trust from the beginning. Being between them felt just like home. It was a gift, he realized; this moment.  

Julian smiled and leaned against Daryl’s shoulder. Daryl grunted like he wasn’t pleased with this development, but Julian figured that was for Rick’s benefit, because at the same time, Daryl gently brushed his fingers against Julian’s knuckles.

It was a gift and he wouldn’t take it for granted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, we get some insight into Daryl's thoughts.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl has a suggestion for Rick.

Daryl couldn’t figure Julian out. When they first met, Daryl just assumed that Julian hadn’t lost much – hadn’t been through much. It took a while, but he knew now that Julian had been through hell and, still, he smiled. All the time. And it was Daryl’s favorite smile, except for now, when that smile was aimed toward Spencer of all people.

Daryl didn’t hate Spencer. He didn’t care much about the guy – he was wary of him now, after walking inside the pantry to find Spencer among a small group of original Alexandrians talking about taking the community back. Sure, it wasn’t Spencer holding the gun to Eugene’s head, but it also wasn’t Spencer stepping forward to stop it. So, no, Spencer couldn’t be trusted. But Daryl didn’t hate him. Still, Daryl wanted to walk over and punch the asshole repeatedly until his lips split and his nose was crushed. Because Spencer was tall and handsome and looking at Julian’s lips. At his smile. And why the hell was Julian still smiling at the guy?

“Hey,” Rick greeted as he stepped up to Daryl’s side.

Daryl quickly looked down and turned his back to Julian and Spencer. He mumbled out a quick “hey,” in response.

“Ready?” Rick asked. “There ain’t much left to do on the wall.”

Daryl nodded. He wondered if Julian was still smiling at Spencer. He wondered what Julian and Spencer were talking about. He wasn’t even listening to Rick anymore, but Rick was still talking. He glanced back at Julian. He wasn’t laughing anymore. He was still smiling, but it wasn’t the big, brilliant smile it had been, and that comforted Daryl. He thought it probably shouldn’t.

“He ain’t gonna stay,” Daryl blurted out, interrupting whatever Rick was saying.

Rick tilted his head a little to the right and his left eyebrow rose in confusion. “What?”

“Julian. He ain’t gonna stay,” Daryl repeated. “He likes it too much. Bein’ out there. Defyin’ ya. We’re gonna leave and so’s he.”

Rick sighed. “It’s definitely a possibility.”

“Take ‘im with ya,” Daryl suggested. “On the run.”

“What?”

“Ya ain’t doin’ much. Just shootin’ some guns. Takin’ ‘im with ya’s the best way to keep him safe.”

“Since when have you cared if Julian’s safe?” Rick wondered. He had noticed that Daryl finally stopped glaring at Julian. He noticed that Julian no longer appeared uncertain of Daryl or uncomfortable around him. But Rick still wouldn’t have guessed that the two were friends, or that the friendship had become something that would cause Daryl to start questioning Rick.

“Tried to hate him,” Daryl said. “Couldn’t.”

Rick smiled. Daryl had come a long way since they first met. He didn’t even want to think about how Daryl would have reacted to Julian, had Rick found him back then. Now, it was a relief to have his best friend looking out for Julian too. But not enough of a relief for Rick to allow Julian outside of Alexandria during the run.

“He’s better off here, behind walls,” Rick said.

“He’s good with walkers,” Daryl argued without much conviction. “Ain’t so good with people and you’re plannin’ on leavin’ him with people.”

“ _Our_ people, Daryl,” Rick reminded him.

“Our people who’re talkin’ ‘bout killin’ ya to take Alexandria back.”

“That was one guy.”

“We don’t know how many of ‘em think the same. Don’t know what they’ll do to ‘im.”

“He told you, ‘bout what happened to him, didn’t he?” Rick asked, seeing something in Daryl’s eyes. Probably his anger. It was a special kind of rage that manifested when he thought of what had been done to Julian and Rick recognized it.

Daryl nodded.

Rick sighed. His eyes scanned Daryl’s face. Daryl tried to hide how concerned he really was. He had spent as long as he could denying it. Even before knowing what had happened to Julian, he hadn’t been a fan of the idea of leaving him behind without Rick or Michonne or Glenn or Abraham or any of the people who were capable of protecting him. After learning about the attack, it was all he could think about. They had walked back to Alexandria from their short hunting trip and he kept glancing at Julian. He kept trying to picture how he must have looked, hurt and broken, thinking he was ruined. And he couldn’t. All Daryl could see was that beautiful face with that stunning smile and the thought of someone hurting Julian, let alone violating him, made Daryl so angry. As he helped build the wall the day before, all he had been able to think about was getting his hands on the men who had hurt Julian and murdering them. He pictured hundreds of ways to do it, with varying degrees of cruelty. The worst he could think of was feeding them to a walker. It would be slow. Agonizing. And then he could kill them again.

But then, Daryl had stopped his work to wipe the sweat from his brow and he had looked at the wall, nearly complete, and it had scared him. Not going out there on his bike to lure the walkers away. That he could do. What was scaring him was leaving Julian behind. He didn’t want to leave Julian again. He didn’t want to wonder if Julian was okay the whole time – and it could be days. It probably would be. And Daryl would spend that whole time wondering if anyone inside of Alexandria would hurt Julian, either to get back at Rick or just because some people couldn’t stop themselves from touching what was beautiful and Daryl had never seen anyone as beautiful as Julian.

He just wanted Julian to be with someone who could keep him safe from people. The walkers were one thing. Julian dealt with them rather easily – the guy had made his way through a herd without any thought and he survived. So, walkers, he could handle. People… Daryl had not seen a single sign that Julian was capable of protecting himself from people, so he needed someone to protect him. And Daryl couldn’t think of anyone better for the job than Rick.

“We got good people here, Daryl. Maybe not all of ‘em, but most of ‘em,” Rick said. “And even the bad ones… I don’t think we got anyone capable of that here.”

“Don’t know what people are capable of anymore.”

Rick sighed again and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose momentarily before saying, “Even if you’re right, we’re takin’ Carter and he’s the instigator.”

“We’re takin’ everyone that could protect Julian, too.”

“Ain’t taking Carol. Or Carl.”

Daryl looked down. He knew, really, that Rick was right. He knew. It made sense. It did. He knew.

“I don’t like it,” Daryl muttered. “Haven’t… wanted to leave him alone, since he told me.”

“When’d he tell you?” Rick asked.

“The other day. When we were huntin’,” Daryl answered.

“He told Michonne yesterday,” Rick mumbled. “That’s a good thing, right? That he’s talkin’ ‘bout it? That he’s not lying ‘bout it anymore?”

Daryl glanced back to where Julian and Spencer had been, but Julian was gone, and Spencer was talking to Deanna.

“Who says he ain’t still lyin’?” Daryl grumbled.

Rick wasn’t sure how to respond and he didn’t get a chance, because Daryl walked away. He went searching for Julian because he was leaving to work on that wall soon. They’d finish it early tomorrow, have Gianna’s dinner that night, and he’d leave come the next morning. So, he wanted to be with Julian.

And he hated that he wanted to be with Julian. He hated that he kept thinking about Julian. He hated this, and it was probably why Julian looked at him with concern when Daryl stepped into the living room where Julian was chatting with Glenn and Tara. It was probably written all over his face that he couldn’t stand what he was feeling.

“Everything okay?” Glenn asked.

Daryl nodded. “Just… gotta talk to Julian before we go.”

Julian instantly stood from the couch. Daryl didn’t like it. Julian shouldn’t be so eager. It just made it easier for people to hurt him. It made it easier for Daryl to hurt him and Daryl didn’t want that. The thought of it made him angry. But he was pretty used to being angry with himself, so that was less of a drain on him than whatever it was he was feeling for Julian.

Daryl wanted to lead Julian into the basement, but he knew if they went there, he’d end up doing more than just talking, and he didn’t have time for that. If he started kissing Julian he’d start touching him and Rick would come looking for them and it wouldn’t end well, so Daryl led him out onto the porch.

“Is something wrong? I was expecting...” Julian looked around. “Something else.”

“Sleep in the basement,” Daryl said, hoping Julian’s response would be different from the last time he brought this up.

“No,” Julian said without hesitation and Daryl instantly turned to leave. There was nothing else for him to say. But Julian grabbed his arm and Daryl couldn’t bring himself to walk away if Julian didn’t want him to. “But you can sleep in my room, you know. On my comfy bed. And, we’re less likely to get caught, ‘cause my door locks and I have a closet you can hide in if you ever need to – and yes, I see the irony in making you hide in a closet.”

Daryl’s jaw clenched. It bothered him that Julian was worried about them getting caught. He wasn’t sure why, because he didn’t want anyone to know about whatever was happening between them either. But it still bothered him. So, he didn’t say anything. He just walked away, and Julian let him with a soft sigh.

Daryl didn’t know what he felt. And he didn’t know what to do about it or what all of this meant. But, that night, after retreating into the basement, he couldn’t fall asleep. He was so restless he couldn’t even lye down. He walked a few circles around the basement before he gave in and went up to Julian’s room.

Julian was already asleep, so Daryl tried to slip into the bed as carefully as possible. But the moment his weight was on the mattress, Julian was sitting up. Daryl wondered if he was scared by the sudden, unexpected appearance of someone in his room, but Julian just looked at him and gave him a sleepy smile.

He moved closer without a word, pressing a soft kiss to Daryl’s lips before lying his head on his chest. Daryl ran his fingers through Julian’s hair. He was surprised by how happy this made him. He didn’t need to kiss Julian more. Or touch him. And, in the morning, that would bother him. For now, he wrapped an arm over Julian and closed his eyes.

It had been so much easier when he only wanted Julian’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooooo excited to get these final few chapters out to you guys. Expect them soon due to that excitement.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's getting ready for Gianna's dinner party.

Julian spent all of the next day going from one house’s kitchen to the next as Gianna had dragged almost anyone who could cook into helping make a meal big enough for the entire community to enjoy. He helped a little here and there, doing what he could with his limited cooking skills. Really, he just chopped vegetables and stirred things while whoever he was helping did the complicated work that actually created a meal. Carol was the only one who didn’t want his help – Sam was already driving her crazy trying to help her.

It was exhausting. Julian never knew cooking could be so difficult and tiring, probably because he’d never actually attempted to cook anything. He’d just watched from afar.

Gianna was rushing around trying to make sure everything was perfect. He saw her run from Rick’s house to Aaron and Eric’s house, over to Deanna’s house, and then back into Rick’s house before he had even finished peeling a bunch of potatoes in Jessie’s kitchen. He hadn’t realized he’d grabbed so many potatoes.

Jessie and Julian hadn’t said much to each other. Neither had chosen to make the mashed potatoes, they were just assigned it by Gianna when she counted the potatoes and declared they had enough to make “a mountain!” So, their little bit of conversation had been discussing how to make mashed potatoes – Jessie said it was pretty easy and Julian looked at her skeptically.

As they were waiting for the potato-filled water to boil, they stood at Jessie’s table and Julian tried to think of something to say.

“How’re Ron and Sam doing?” Julian asked after a couple of moments of silence.

Jessie sighed loudly, and Julian knew it probably wasn’t the right question to have asked. “Sam is… he’s always been a little sensitive and this hasn’t helped him toughen up any. And Ron… he’s just angry.”

Julian nodded, lightly biting his lip before saying, “It’s gonna take time for them to be okay with everything that happened. When my dad went to jail, it took me a long time to get used to it. It’s not exactly the same, but I kinda get it still.”

Jessie raised an eyebrow. “Why’d your dad go to jail?”

“Oh, right. You don’t know – my dad beat the shit outta me,” Julian told her. “He almost killed me and went to jail for it. He could still be there now. Or he could be dead. I don’t know. I didn’t stick around to find out.”

“Oh…” Jessie looked down at the counter. “I’m sorry, I-”

“I also had a boyfriend that beat me,” Julian said. Jessie suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable. “You probably feel guilty now, either because you miss Pete, or you don’t. You might even shift between the two depending on the time of day… so let me relay something I learned after losing my boyfriend: you’re gonna feel some things that don’t make sense. You’re gonna miss someone who made your life hell. That’s okay. We don’t get to pick who we love and I’m sure Pete was worth loving at some point.”

There were tears in Jessie’s eyes when she said, “He was.”

“And he gave you two amazing children,” Julian said softly.

“He did,” Jessie whispered.

“It’s okay to love him and it’s okay to hate him. Everything you’re going to feel… it’s okay to feel it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jessie nodded and wiped at her eyes. “Thanks, Julian.”

Julian smiled. “Sorry to get all heavy with you.”

“You know, people have been walking on eggshells around me, worried to say something wrong, which means they don’t say anything, so they can’t say anything _right_ either.”

“I don’t generally think about whether or not I should say something,” Julian admitted. “Gianna hates it.”

“Oh, I love Gianna,” Jessie said with a smile, looking relieved to have the chance to change the subject even if she appreciated what Julian had said. “She’s such a sweet girl.”

“If you think that, it means you’ve never caught her on an off day,” Julian joked.

Jessie laughed. “Well, it’s really great, her putting this meal together for everyone. I know we’re all helping out, but she’s organized everything. It wouldn’t be happening without her.”

“She loves doing things like this, where everyone can get together and forget their problems for a night. And she’s never been part of a group small enough to actually accommodate everyone.”

“Really? Your other groups were bigger.”

“Oh yeah. This place is great, but actually kind of small.”

Ron suddenly walked into the house, slamming the door behind him. He ran past the kitchen without saying anything. Jessie ran her hand over her face with a sigh.

“It hasn’t helped that Enid and him are on the rocks,” Jessie whispered. “I always worried she was bad for him. She’s so… withdrawn. I didn’t want to see him follow that path but now, I wish she’d just spend some time with him, you know?”

“It’s a crazy world these days,” Julian said. “The worst things that could have happened back then are even worse now. Which just means it takes longer to recover from them.”

“If he doesn’t recover?” Jessie asked.

“With the support Ron has, he just needs time.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Julian walked away from Jessie’s house feeling better than he had when he arrived. He hadn’t been able to help but feel guilty after the things he said about Jessie, even after apologizing to Rick for it all. It wasn’t even like he said it in front of her to hurt her or anything, but that didn’t make him feel better. He just thought of how it would have felt for someone to say those things about him, and they could have been said about him, and he knew they were words that should have never left his mouth.

He finally felt like he’d made up for it by opening up to her. At least, he wouldn’t have tried too hard to comfort her if he hadn’t said what he did to Rick.

Julian was looking for Gianna when Daryl fell into step beside him.

“How didn’t I hear you?” Julian asked when he noticed Daryl. “How do you move so quietly? Damn.”

“Need to talk,” Daryl said.

“Then talk.”

“Not here.”

Daryl then led him back to their house, upstairs, and into Julian’s room. At this point, Julian had already guessed that Daryl didn’t actually want to do any talking. His guess was confirmed when Daryl started kissing him before the door had even swung shut. Daryl’s hands slid down Julian’s body and gripped his ass, pulling him closer until they were tightly pressed against each other.

Julian squeezed his hands between them, so he could unbutton Daryl’s jeans. But Daryl gently grabbed his wrists and stepped back so the pair was separated.

“We ain’t havin’ sex,” Daryl said. “Not ‘til I know how to keep it from hurtin’ ya.”

Julian rolled his eyes. “You never actually hurt me. That sort of soreness goes away quickly, like sore muscles after a good workout. It’s nothing like-”

“Don’t,” Daryl said. “I just wanna kiss ya.”

“If we can’t have sex, let me give you a blow job,” Julian suggested.

“No,” Daryl said sternly.

“Come on. I’m really good at it.”

“I’m sure ya are.”

“So, I’ll just…” Julian started to move to kneel in front of Daryl, but Daryl caught him before he reached the ground, lifted him up, and kissed him hard.

The door opened. Julian barely had time to register what the sound meant before someone said, “Hey, Jul…ian…”

Julian expected Daryl to push him away. But Daryl’s grip tightened on him, his gaze focused over Julian’s shoulder at whoever was standing in the doorway. Daryl looked mortified. It broke Julian’s heart to see him so scared about someone finding out about something so natural.

Julian turned to be able to look over his shoulder at the door.

He sighed heavily. “Carl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jessie may come off as slightly OOC here, and that's because they just glossed completely over any emotion she would be feeling after seeing her husband shot right in front of her. It just didn't feel realistic to me. I mean, sometimes it feels like the writers think a woman is either tough or emotional and can't be both. So, I've given Jessie a moment to be emotional over the death of her husband. Domestic violence is complex and you don't hate someone just because they've hurt you, especially if you loved them first. I get the anger Jessie shows later, but I just wanted her to have a moment with Julian and I thought this fit with where she'd be at mentally by this point.
> 
> Also, Carl! Knock first!


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gianna has her dinner party. We start wrapping things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait any longer for this chapter.

“Sorry!” Carl said quickly as he closed the door. “I’m sorry!”

Julian turned back to Daryl and gripped his face with both hands. “Don’t panic. I’ll talk to him.”

Julian thought Daryl wasn’t blinking as much as normal. He almost seemed frozen as he stared at the closed door while tightly gripping Julian.      

“Probably should leave my room,” Julian added before slipping away and following Carl out of the room.

Carl was down in the kitchen, staring wide eyed at a glass of water in his hands. When he saw Julian, his eyes somehow got wider.

“Um… can we talk?” Julian asked awkwardly. “Maybe while walking?”

Carl looked around, as if searching for an excuse to stay. But after a moment he set the glass down and simply followed Julian out of the house, waiting for him to say something.

Julian glanced around them to make sure no one was listening. When he was sure it was just Carl able to hear him, Julian said, “So, you’ve got a pretty great dad. And I know he taught you not to think any less of someone because of their race or, say, sexuality. Right?”

“Yeah,” Carl said, almost sounding confused like he didn’t understand what that had to do with the situation.

“Okay, well, Daryl hasn’t actually said anything, but I’m pretty sure his dad taught him the opposite,” Julian said, still keeping an eye out for anyone walking too close. “His dad taught him some people are better than others and some, like people who aren’t straight, are inherently wrong in some way. So, he has spent years denying who he really is and things he wants, because he thought it was wrong. He was taught it was wrong. Now, he’s exploring some things and it’d be really nice if he could do that without more people finding out before he’s ready.”

“So, don’t tell anyone?” Carl asked.

“I think that’s best for Daryl, yeah,” Julian answered while nodding.

“Are you guys dating?” Carl wondered.

“No,” Julian said, thinking of Daryl’s assertion that people didn’t date anymore. Were he and Daryl falling in love, then? He was starting to worry that he was. What about Daryl? “We’re just… Honestly, Carl, I don’t know what we are.”

“Well, whatever you are, you guys should start locking the door,” Carl said good humoredly.

“I’ll try to remember that,” Julian chuckled. “Are you good?”

“Yeah. It was just surprising.”

“I know, right? Daryl doesn’t exactly give off the usual vibes, does he? I was shocked, too.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks, kid.”

“And, about the other day…” Carl cleared his throat and looked across the street, away from Julian. “I wanted to tell you… Michonne said you might have… got the wrong idea. I didn’t leave because of you, but because… well, someone tried hurting me, like that, once. Dad stopped him before anything happened, but we didn’t really… address it, after. Things got crazy – we ran into a group of cannibals.”

“Cannibals, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“That’d distract anyone.”

“Yeah.” Carl chuckled a little, though it was weak. “And I guess I just hadn’t thought about it. But when you said what you said I just…”

“You thought about it,” Julian finished.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Carl scoffed. “It’s nothing compared to what happened to you.”

“That’s not true. Something happened to you and no matter what you compare it to, that doesn’t change that it happened and that it was terrible.”

Carl didn’t say anything.

“I hope you’re thinking about what I said and not ignoring it,” Julian mumbled.

“I’m thinkin’,” Carl replied, rolling his eyes.

“Good for you,” Julian said happily.

So, Carl didn’t hate him. Carl didn’t think he was disgusting because unwanted hands had touched him. It seemed like a silly thing to worry about now – Carl was a good kid and good people didn’t think that way – but it was still such a relief to talk to the kid again and to understand what had been going through his mind when he rushed off like he did.

“What should I say?” Carl asked as they made a loop and headed back toward the house. “To Daryl? I’ve never… I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“You don’t treat him any differently. He’s the same guy he’s always been. You just know something you didn’t know before,” Julian advised.

“Yeah, but, I’m the first person who found out, right?” Carl asked. “Besides you.”

“As far as I know, yeah,” Julian confirmed.

“So, what do I say? Or what don’t I say?”

“Why do you have to say anything?”

“Because, if I don’t say anything, it might seem like I’m avoiding him.”

“Or it’ll just seem like nothing’s changed,” Julian said.

“Fine. I’ll act like nothing’s changed,” Carl said skeptically.

When they reached the house, Julian went right into the basement where he expected to find Daryl. But Daryl wasn’t there, and Julian tried not to worry. He wondered if leaving Daryl alone had been smart. He’d just thought it was more important to preserve Daryl’s secret. But what if Daryl had needed him to stay? Maybe that was why he held onto Julian so tightly.

He was going to go looking for Daryl, but Gianna ran in, needing his help with… something. She spoke so quickly, he had no clue what she was saying before she dragged him out of the house.

He spent the next few hours helping set up Aaron and Eric’s house for the dinner. Gianna had hoped to have the dinner at Deanna’s larger house, and Deanna had been considering it, but apparently decided at the last minute that she just wasn’t up to hosting. Julian wasn’t even sure she’d make an appearance. She went from having not lost much to having lost a son and her husband. Of course, she was struggling. Anyone would be.

After the house was set for dinner, Julian rushed back to his home to quickly change and run a brush through his hair. He still hadn’t seen Daryl, and he had kept an eye out, continually glancing out the window toward the street.

He didn’t make the same mistake he did at the last party. He just wore his normal clothes and his hair up out of his face, tied loosely with a strip of torn fabric because he wasn’t risking Daryl’s hairband. This, though, caused locks of his hair to fall forward, framing his face.

When he arrived, he tried not to search every face in the house for Daryl. He tried not to think about Daryl as he said hello to everyone and made small talk with a few of them. He laughed at a joke Tara made and sat with Glenn and Maggie for a while. Apparently, Maggie had already picked out a spot for a garden in Alexandria and Julian just hadn’t heard about it or the seeds that had been found. Julian spent way too long talking to her about that. They were still discussing the progress on the wall expansion that would make the plot of land she picked out for the garden safe and what could be grown when Gianna called everyone for dinner. Maggie, Glenn, Julian, and Tara ended up sitting back on the couch as they ate, since there wasn’t nearly enough room at Aaron and Eric’s table for everyone. It was still nice, coming together as a community. Julian was well aware that there was still some tension between the old Alexandrians and the new, but for the night, it was all set aside and they just enjoyed a meal together.

Julian only realized Daryl had shown up when he walked by with Judith in his arms. Julian nearly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he told Maggie about the garden he and Daryl had come across.

“Do you think you could find it again?” Glenn asked, his arm around Maggie and an empty plate on his lap.

“Yeah, I think so,” Julian said. “If I can’t, Daryl probably can. He always seems to know where to go.”

“We can check it out after we deal with the herd,” Glenn suggested. “We might be gone for a couple days.”

Julian glanced across the room at Daryl. He didn’t want him to leave on even the practice run while they still hadn’t talked. He worried Daryl was mad at him, or maybe mad at himself.

He really hoped Daryl wasn’t mad at himself. If he’d learned one thing about Daryl Dixon, it was that he did not like himself one bit. Julian’s heart ached for him, because he’d lived like that before and it was a difficult path to turn away from. It was just so easy, to blame oneself for all that went wrong. It was easier than blaming loved ones or having no one to blame at all.

Toward the end of the dinner party, Rick came up to Julian as he discussed new rules for their card game that Eugene wanted to try out when everyone got back from the run. Rick was grinning like an idiot, so when Julian’s eyes landed on him, he thought maybe something good had happened between Rick and Jessie.

“That’s too many wild cards, man,” Julian told Eugene before turning toward Rick. “Someone looks happy.”

“Carl’s in a good mood,” Rick stated. “The best mood I’ve seen him in in a long time.”

“Everyone’s in a decent mood,” Julian said as he looked around. Even Sasha was there, listening to something Abraham was saying to Tobin. “We’ve had time to settle in and this doesn’t feel as frivolous as it used to.”

“Careful with the big words. They don’t usually understand,” Eugene warned, and Julian thought he was joking, but also didn’t think he was joking. It was very hard to tell with Eugene, but Julian had come to think he should probably just always assume Eugene was being serious.

“I know what frivolous is,” Rick said. Eugene looked like he didn’t believe it. “It ain’t that big a word.”

“Isn’t,” Julian said, then laughed.

Rick shook his head but was smiling again. “Thank you, for this, Julian.”

Julian grinned. “I hope you thanked Gianna first.”

“Multiple times,” Rick said. “And she told me she couldn’t have done it without you.”

“To be fair, I couldn’t have done it without Daryl, either,” Julian said, shrugging.

“I’ll thank him next,” Rick assured Julian before walking over to where Morgan stood with Michonne.

“The number of wild cards is nonnegotiable,” Eugene declared.

“Everything’s negotiable when you have the right leverage,” Julian said.

Eugene’s interest perked. “Your leverage bein’?”

“What leverage do you have to get my leverage?”

Eugene furrowed his brow. “Why would I need leverage just to find-”

“Julian.”

Julian turned around so quickly, it may have been rude to Eugene. But that was Daryl’s voice and he had been hoping to hear it all night.

“Gianna needs ya in the kitchen,” Daryl said.

“Oh. Thanks,” Julian said even as Daryl walked away. He then turned back to Eugene, trying to keep his disappointment off his face and out of his voice. “We will be finishing this conversation.”

“Agreed,” Eugene replied.

As soon as Julian stepped into the messy kitchen, Gianna was hugging him tightly. It instantly made him feel better. “It’s gone so well!” she said excitedly. “No one even yelled at anyone!”

Julian laughed and squeezed her tightly. “It’s just what we needed. You’re a genius.”

“I know,” Gianna giggled as she separated from him to start cleaning the kitchen. “Jules… I know you wanted to get further away from The Saviors, but I really like it here.”

Julian smiled and started gathering empty dishes. “I do, too.”

Gianna looked at her reflection in the kitchen window. She’d gained weight since joining Alexandria, but just enough so she no longer looked like she was starving. She was able to regularly wash her hair and brush her teeth and she loved this place.

Her eyes slid to Julian’s reflection. He was biting his lip and she knew what he was thinking. Alexandria was wonderful, and they wouldn’t leave now, but still, it was too close. If The Saviors ever stumbled across it…

“I mean, Negan’s not gonna still be looking for us anymore, right?” she said, hoping to see Julian relax. “We didn’t take anything or hurt anyone.”

Instead of responding, Julian walked over with a pile of plates in his hands. He set them beside the sink before turning and kissing the side of Gianna’s head. “You did great, today, Gia. No matter what comes next, you made tonight perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting for this reveal for sooooooo long.
> 
> Check back tomorrow, March 15th, for the last chapter in Part One. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with this story for so long. I've appreciated all the views, kudos, and comments :D


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this. Thanks for every comment and kudo. You guys are awesome.   
> Enjoy.

Julian stayed with Gianna at Aaron and Eric’s house until it was spotless. Daryl did as well, reminding Julian that Daryl and Aaron had bonded when they were out looking for new community members. It was good. The more blending the new members did with the old, the better. They needed to stop thinking of themselves as separate from each other. This dinner was a step in the right direction, but there were probably a few more steps ahead.

Gianna, Daryl, and Julian all left at the same time, but Julian and Gianna walked slower, talking softly about how the only one who didn’t show up was Deanna. Gianna had told her it was alright, though, to stay home, not wanting to push her into interacting with so many people so quickly.

“Next time, it’ll be all of us,” Gianna said, sounding hopeful.

Julian went up to his room after saying goodnight to her, but he looked at his empty bed and frowned. Daryl would be leaving Alexandria soon, and anything could happen beyond the walls. Julian didn’t want this unease hanging over him until Daryl returned.

The light was still on in the basement. Daryl was taking off his button up shirt, his vest already lying at his feet. He looked at Julian and actually frowned, like he used to when they first met.

“It’s Rick, ain’t it?” Daryl asked before Julian could say anything.

“What?”

“Ya didn’t want Rick to know, ‘bout us,” Daryl said. “That’s why ya went after Carl so quick.”

“What? No.” Julian shook his head, utterly confused by Daryl’s way of thinking. “I went after Carl to keep him from outing you.”

“Ta Rick,” Daryl grumbled.

“You’re kidding me right now, right? Are you jealous of Rick?”

“Ain’t jealous.”

“Then what is this, Daryl?”

“I don’t know,” Daryl said angrily. “Ya don’t think I’m good ‘nough.”

“That’s not what I think at all,” Julian said quietly.

“You’re wastin’ your time with me,” Daryl said, shifting even further away from Julian. “We ain’t ever gonna be a happy couple.”

“Have I asked you for that?” Julian’s confusion was now tinted with irritation.

Daryl backed away.

“Have I asked you for any sort of commitment at all?” Julian wondered. “Anything you didn’t already want to freely give? Where is this coming from? Because it sure as hell isn’t coming from me.”

Daryl swallowed.

“Are you trying to push me away?” Julian asked, sounding half as hurt as he was.

“Don’t like… how much I want ya.”

Julian looked at the ground; this was such a weird problem to have. 

“Don’t like how it feels that ya wanna hide me from Rick… Don’t like how it feels, leavin’ ya here… Didn’t like how Spencer looked at your lips.”

Julian opened his mouth but had no clue what to say. 

“You screwed me up.” Daryl approached Julian threateningly. Julian stood his ground. He no longer thought Daryl would physically hurt him.

“Hell, Daryl, would you just accept that you like me already?” Julian snapped in frustration. “You have romantic feelings for me. Stop denying it or you’re going to hurt us both.”

Daryl’s eyes widened. He really looked terrified by the notion. Julian's heart broke a little.

“Listen,” Julian sighed, shoulders slumping some. “We’ve moved pretty fast, considering we just met a bit ago and you couldn’t even stand me then. I mean, I’m having a hard time with this and it’s not my first time screwing around with a guy. I’m sure you’re confused or freaked out. We can just… take a few steps back from each other, okay?”

“No.”

Julian’s brow furrowed. “No?”

“Unless… that’s what ya want,” Daryl mumbled.

“I already told you I have a crush on you. You think sleeping with you changed that?”

“We ain’t ever gonna be like Aaron and Eric.”

“Oh. Okay. So, that’s what brought this on.”

Daryl scoffed and turned away. Julian’s eyes instinctively fell to Daryl’s scarred back before he forced himself to look up.

“Do you want something like Aaron and Eric have?” Julian asked cautiously.

“No, but… but somethin’ like it, with me and you… I don’t hate it,” Daryl grumbled, still with his back turned to Julian.

Julian quickly walked to Daryl and hugged him from behind, his cheek pressed against Daryl’s scars. Daryl was very tense in his arms.

“I don’t hate it either.” He very softly kissed the edge of a scar. He thought, maybe, Daryl relaxed the tiniest bit. “But you gotta remember, Aaron and Eric have known each other for a long time. How long have we known each other, Daryl?”

“A month,” Daryl answered.

“If there is something between us, then we can explore it,” Julian said as Daryl turned around, so they were chest to chest. “If there isn’t, we stop. Or we just keep screwin’ around. The important thing is, if you want to try, we try.”

“Try what?” Daryl asked, his eyes locked on Julian’s lips.

“Dating, I guess?” Julian answered, still unsure about the process of starting a new relationship in the current world. They couldn’t really go on dates, could they? “Or… as you put it, falling in love. Slowly, of course. Why’d you have to go and say people aren’t dating anymore?”

“’Cause they ain’t.” Daryl looked down at him for a long moment before adding, “But we can try.”

Julian smiled and nuzzled Daryl’s chest. Daryl ran his fingers through Julian’s hair, knocking the fabric holding it in a bun onto the ground without a thought. Julian was thankful he had the forethought to protect the hairband that started all this, otherwise it’d be on the floor and, with the way the night was going, it may have been forgotten there.      

“This means no one else gets to touch ya, right?”  Daryl suddenly asked.

Julian glanced to the side. “It means you are the only person who will have my permission to touch me.”

“So, no one else will touch ya,” Daryl said with a stern edge.

Julian smiled and buried his face in the crook of Daryl’s neck, standing on tiptoe to do so. “God, you make me feel safe, which makes me feel like an idiot. I’m not safe. None of us are. We never will be.”

Daryl took a small step back, so they were still breathing each other’s air, but their chests were no longer touching.

“Ya feel safe with me?” he asked.

“Yeah. I thought I told you that. Didn’t I tell you that?”

Daryl shook his head. “I thought ya did but… ya never said anythin’.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I feel safe with you. I don’t mean to. It’s just like… instinctual. I don’t even have nightmares around you.”

“Really?”

“Wow, I’ve kept a lot from you, haven’t I?” Julian chuckled. “I’ve never had a nightmare when you were nearby. I don’t know quite what it means, but…”

Daryl brushed his thumb across Julian’s bottom lip.

“I was scared that I’d never… that I could never let myself be touched again. And then you come along, and you touch me and…” Julian kissed Daryl’s neck before looking into his eyes. “I wasn’t scared that you would hurt me.”

Daryl smiled, and Julian wondered if this was the first time he’d ever seen Daryl really smile _at him_. His heart fluttered, and he made a soft noise of happiness that was just about the opposite of Daryl’s grunts.

“Ya were scared I’d hit ya,” Daryl said suddenly.

“Well, you looked at me like you wanted to hit me.”

“Just wanted to kiss ya.”

Julian laughed. “You don’t look at me like you want to hit me, now.”

“I get to kiss ya now,” Daryl responded.

“Yes.” Julian grinned. “Whenever you want.”

So, Daryl kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not a climatic ending or anything, but it's the ending I wanted.
> 
> Keep an eye out for Part Two. I'm torn on the title, but it will likely be either Rusted Blood or Falling Apart. (Yes, those are Michael Schulte songs too.) I don't know when it'll be ready for you guys - I'm on chapter 5 of the rough draft now. 
> 
> Thanks again!  
> <3


	36. Chapter 36

Hello there 😊

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have started posting part two of this story. It’s called Rusted Blood. There are two chapters currently posted, but I believe the third will be up very soon.

I’ll be taking this little message down in a month or so. I just wanted anyone who liked this enough to have bookmarked it to know the next part is out.

If you’ve already been reading Rusted Blood, thanks! I hope you’re enjoying it.


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